Our top two teams have byes this weekend, so you know what to expect with next week's rankings, unless Carolina positively murders the Texans on Sunday. Then I'll have to think it through -- and come up with the same top two anyway. Am I taking a serious matter too lightly? Not hardly. If you listen carefully, you will hear the clanking of heavy chains. And here they come.

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 1 Kansas City Chiefs (8-0) It's starting already. The sound bites for TV. The interviews. What are your chances of going undefeated? And if they ask enough players, they'll find one poor fool who'll admit, "You know, that's all we've been thinking about." And the K.C. brass will have to grab him and shove him in the decompression tank and slap him around a little and say, "Now, what do you tell them next time?" And he'll say, "All we're thinking about is our next opponent, which happens to be, uh, bye, that's who we're thinking about." OK, just remember it. 2 3 Tennessee Titans (6-2) Steve McNair has achieved true star status. How do I know? Because opponents are complaining that he gets preferred treatment from the officials (Remember when Brett Favre smacked former Lions defensive end Kerwin Waldroup right in front of the referee a few years ago and all he got was a "Tut, tut, now behave"?). From Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio, whose defensive tackle -- Marcus Stroud -- was flagged twice for very marginal roughing-the-passer infractions: "I know the NFL is going to protect the hot quarterback, and McNair is a guy playing MVP-caliber football right now. So they'll certainly be extra cautious with him." When Stroud was asked if McNair got star treatment, he responded in his best imitation of Tami Mauriello in On the Waterfront. "Definitely." 3 4 Carolina Panthers (6-1) Ya gotta believe. Three OT wins for John Fox's boys this season, all on the road. Destiny's darlings. Cinderella. Cardiac Kids. Let's see, what haven't we used yet? Gas House Gang? Bear Bryant's Junction Babies? Nope, those are taken already. 4 5 Indianapolis Colts (6-1) They're sleek, they're smooth. I liken them to a dolphin, gliding gracefully through turbulent waters. Best of all, they have all their offensive weapons in place. Let's see how they do in Miami. 5 2 Minnesota Vikings (6-1) Red McCombs, the fightin' car dealer (yes, that's how the Vikes' owner got his start) let 'em have it in the locker room after they were upset by the Giants last week. "You've humiliated the franchise!" Oooh, what a thing to tell a bunch of proud athletes. Not their families, nor their country, but The Franchise. Secretaries will spit on them, maintenance workers will swing their mops at them. How will they ever regain their dignity? 6 8 New England Patriots (6-2) By golly, their story is so inspiring that I'm gonna sell the film rights. And I'll do the casting myself. Tom Hanks will play Bill Belichick, Danny DeVito will be Bob Kraft, James Gandolfini will be Scott Pioli, Tom Brady will play himself and Denzel Washington will be Ty Law. We'll make a million. 7 9 Miami Dolphins (5-2) Brian Griese on Monday night was the perfect quarterback for this era. Everything underneath, medium speed, accurate, conscientious, high percentage, low risk. So why did I get a feeling that when a little fire and brimstone would be called for, some real action downfield, he might come up a bit short? Well, I'm sure the coaching staff prefers Griese's style to the more emotional, but not as precise, modus operandi of Jay Fiedler. It still doesn't seem to me that the QB picture is complete. 8 11 St. Louis Rams (5-2) The Marc Bulger legend is growing. An emotional day in Pittsburgh last Sunday. One thousandth game. Legends galore in attendance. Heavy raindrops. Wildly cheering, soggy crowd. And the kid from Central Catholic High quiets 'em down with a 375-yard afternoon. Won't be long before he's endorsing Brillo or foundation garments or something lucrative. 9 13 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) Oh, did the clock ever roll back last weekend. A defense that attacked with fury. An offense keyed to the galloping hoofbeats of a passionate running game. A passing attack that, eh? I guess we need some semblance of it, as everyone else does. The formula is there, all right, but it has to be sustained every week, and that might not be possible. 10 6 Dallas Cowboys (5-2) This is going to sound dopey to you. Do you know who was my choice for best player on the field in the Tampa Bay game? Dat Nguyen, MLB, Dallas Cowboys. He was that good. Everyone keeps touting free safety Roy Williams as a future this, future that ... All-Pro, I even heard Hall of Famer from the announcing booth. Personally, I don't see it. A big hitter, yes, but why wasn't he crowding the line Sunday, stuffing Michael Pittman? And his coverage skills are still a work in progress. 11 10 Seattle Seahawks (5-2) I will be criticized for not punishing the 'Hawks more severely for losing to Cincy. But who would I move into this spot? Baltimore at 4-3? Nope, I don't think the Ravens are as good as Seattle. Quarterbackless Denver? Struggling Philly? The Bengals on a nine-step vault? So what about the teams that beat Cincy? No, I have the 'Hawks right where I want them, so hold the rips -- at least for one more week. 12 16 Baltimore Ravens (4-3) Someone asked me who I would compare Jamal Lewis to. I'd say Herschel Walker. Impressive but not eye-popping. But right now Lewis is the frontrunner for All-Pro, wouldn't you say? I hear you out there. You're sticking with Priest Holmes. Sorry, but I don't think he's the same runner he was last year. 13 7 Denver Broncos (5-3) Six spots is a hell of a demotion after a loss to a decent team, but there aren't many clubs the Broncs are gonna beat with their QB situation the way it is now. 14 14 Green Bay Packers (3-4) Nasty repercussions from their Rams game. Green Bay's offensive coaches claim that the way St. Louis shut down Ahman Green (20 carries, 35 yards) was to dive under the blocking fullback and the pulling guards, grabbing, illegally leg-whipping, doing anything to create a pile-up and a traffic jam. This is interesting. I'll be watching closely to see if other teams adopt this technique against the Pack. Or if the Rams use it when faced with another keynote runner. I think there is a way for teams to handle this stuff without pestering the league office too much. When a player is on the ground, you see, all sorts of things can happen to him. And can I get my license revoked for suggesting nasty stuff? 15 17 Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) Who was my No. 1 player on the field in the Jets' game? (Yes, I do pick one for every contest I watch). Ndukwe Kalu, DRE, Philly. You've never heard of him? Situational pass rusher. Bounced around for a while, from the Eagles, then to the Redskins, back to the Eagles. Slated for the same type of duty this year, with top draft Jerome McDougle projected to take over Hugh Douglas' starting spot. Then McDougle was lost with a sprained ankle. Kalu has been terrific, in your faithful narrator's humble opinion. At the end of the game, when the Jets needed half a yard to stay alive, they aimed the thrust at Kalu. I mean, the guy only goes 265. And he met it with perfect leverage and form and led the charge that stuffed the ball carrier, LaMont Jordan. And if I were reading all this I'd be asking, "Well, if he's so great, why did the Redskins get rid of him?" And the answer to that (kind of) will come six places from now, when we're dealing with that strange, mysterious organization. 16 18 New York Giants (3-4) I love Giants games because they always involve great drama. The plot in Minnesota centered around TE Jeremy Shockey and the special play -- a shallow cross -- he was begging Jim Fassel to call. Finally, on the crucial drive, the coach called it, and with LB Chris Claiborne in vain pursuit Shockey broke it for 46 yards. "I had it in my hip pocket," Fassel said later. Cut to the action. The Metrodome crowd is screaming. The sideline is in turmoil. Fassel pushes back his headset and reaches into his hip pocket. What's this? Expired fishing license. Postcard from Hawaii. "For God's sake, coach!" they're yelling from the field. Matchbook from The Golden Ox restaurant in Kansas City. Hmmm, wonder when I was there. "Coach! Coach!" they're screaming. Hey, here it is. "Shockey! Shockey! I found it!" 17 12 San Francisco 49ers (3-5) Hey, don't ask me. A week after humiliating the Bucs they suffer the same treatment they inflicted -- in Arizona. Contact a psychiatrist. The Bay Area's loaded with 'em ... 18 15 Buffalo Bills (4-4) ... But Buffalo's not. Unless they're disguised as countermen in the pizzeria. 19 20 Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) QB Jon Kitna has a shot at the Pro Bowl, an honor that's eluded him in his five previous,full NFL seasons. His last four games have shown eight TDs, no picks, pushing his rating up near the 90-point mark. Last year three of the six QBs who played in that February classic were below 90. So unless the selectors stiff him because he isn't a big enough name, he could make it. 20 19 Pittsburgh Steelers (2-5) Well, they tried Amos Zereoue and that didn't work. Then last week they decided the running game needed that old-fashioned, strongly brewed punch, so Jerome Bettis got the call, and that didn't help much, either. Hey, guys, when your QB goes 12 for 28 with three picks, you can bring back the Franco Harris, Rocky Bleier backfield and you'll still get nowhere. 21 21 Washington Redskins (3-4) Steve Spurrier's protection scheme was getting his QB, Patrick Ramsey, killed. So Danny Boy brought in old warhorse Joe Bugel to teach the coach about guarding the passer. Spurrier got mad and threatened to install his U. of Florida offense, kind of a run 'n shoot, except that in the NFL it's the run 'n shout -- the shout being, "Look out!" Then he placed a call to Danny Wuerffel, the QB he didn't want to release but had to because Danny Boy and his house man, Vinny Cerrato, cast the deciding votes in favor of that move. Wuerffel said no thanks, I'm happy with my work in the ministry, but I'll certainly pray for you. Well, I will, too, because, goldurn it, this is just a swell bunch of guys and they don't deserve all the bad luck they've been getting. In answer to the question of why they released Kalu, it seems that Danny and Vinny don't like players with four or less letters in their name. 22 22 Cleveland Browns (3-5) After watching that San Diego OL in action against the Dolphins Monday night, I asked myself how, under the wide, blue sky, could these slobs bang out 200 yards for LaDainian Tomlinson against Cleveland the week before? The answer is that the Browns have worse slobs on defense. 23 23 Oakland Raiders (2-5) Let's see now, at this writing, Rich Gannon might or might not have something torn in his shoulder. News from Oakland is always shrouded in secrecy. And Darrell Russell ended his 18-month suspension and then found out that his $10 million contract would not be renewed by the Raiders, whose Senior Assistant, Bruce Allen, said, "We decided it was better that he try to rejuvenate his career elsewhere." Such as Washington, home of such noted rejuvenations as Big Daddy Wilkinson, Deion Sanders and Jeff George. 24 25 New Orleans Saints (3-5) They were trying to move in for the tying field goal against the Panthers in OT. They were at the Carolina 37, fourth-and-one, and Julius Peppers cracked down hard and hit Deuce McAllister and forced a fumble. Even if he hadn't fumbled, he wouldn't have gotten the first down. Tight end Ernie Conwell apologized for missing the block on Peppers. McAllister said, no, it was my fault for failing to get the yard. Well, now that we have the guilt thing all worked out, can we please win a few games? 25 24 New York Jets (2-5) Vince Testaverde was on a hot streak against the Eagles. But Herman Edwards had promised the media and the fans that Chad Pennington would make his return in this game, so after three series (two scores) in came Chad, and six possessions produced one score and he threw a key pick at the end. Here's what was wrong: You don't lift a hot QB. And certain fighters have the perfect style for certain opponents. Testaverde is a big puncher, strong right hand, a kayo artist. Pennington is a jabber and hooker, smart, light on his feet. Philly's a roughneck type of fighter, but susceptible to a right cross. The Eagles can be kayoed. So after Testaverde had 'em on the ropes, Chad came in and let 'em off. Stay tuned for next week, when we'll present our bowling analogy. 26 26 Houston Texans (2-5) Last year, when David Carr was sacked a record 76 times, he still took every offensive snap. Now he's out with a sprained ankle and the club has given up only 12 sacks. Now I don't want to be the one to say that sacks are good for a quarterback's health, I just want to ... want to ... now what the hell do I want to say? Not quite sure, but there's a message in here somewhere. 27 29 Chicago Bears (2-5) Top receiver Marty Booker was out against the Lions. Top two runners also out. Baby-sitting rookie fill-ins such as WRs Justin Gage and Bobby Wade and RB Brock Forsey was 38-year old Chris Chandler. Defensively, it was Brian Urlacher shepherding around another unit that had three rooks starting. "They have fun," Urlacher says. "They fly around and they're always smiling. They don't know when they screw up." And they also win. At least against Detroit. 28 31 Arizona Cardinals (2-5) They came into the Niners game as the league's worst running team and they rushed for 221. Their sack total for the season, coming in, was four. So they got a pair against S.F. and chased Jeff Garcia all over the place. This furious, churning action got the Cards a three-spot hike on my chart, which also has been a site for some furious churning. 29 27 Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) Is Hugh Douglas on the lam or something? The Jaguars gave him $27 million over five years and now he has gone six straight games without a sack. Or maybe he's playing under an assumed name. 30 28 San Diego Chargers (1-6) Lorenzo Neal, once a serious slam-'em type of fullback, is now a position blocker and the Dolphins' Jason Taylor was manhandling him Monday night and stuffing him back into the ballcarrier; on one of the few occasions the Chargers got down near the Miami goal line, Tomlinson lost yardage on a fourth-down pitchout, and downfield, 240-pound wideout David Boston was tip-toeing around like a guy who never threw a block in his life; 350-pound left guard Kelvin Garmon dropped to his knees without being touched, and his man, Jeff Zgonina, slammed into Drew Brees for an easy nine-yard sack. Is Marty Schottenheimer still coaching these guys 31 30 Detroit Lions (1-6) Six dropped balls, two picks, nine penalties against Chicago. "You bench people," Steve Mariucci said, "and then where do you go?" Washington, Steve. Washington. Haven for lost souls. 32 32 Atlanta Falcons (1-6) Man, are they sorry they bye'd last weekend, when any effort at all could have lifted them a few places.

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Sports Illustrated senior writer Paul Zimmerman covers the NFL for the magazine and SI.com. Click here to send Dr. Z a question.