Skins not-so-deep

The Skins Game is running out of gimmicks

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a turkey. Which, I'm pretty sure, is why The Skins Game is always scheduled to air during the holiday weekend. This event is deadlier than a Walker, Texas Ranger marathon on TNT.

I wrote in Golf magazine last year that it should be "renamed the Skin Crawl, because that's what it makes mine do." I also wrote that the Skins Game was in need of major changes or, preferably, cancellation. My suggestions for changes included replacing Fred Couples or Mark O'Meara with Annika Sorenstam.

Well, they got it half right. It was announced recently that Annika will, indeed, be part of the 2003 Skins Game field, making this year's event at least a curiosity. O'Meara and Couples are also back. O'Meara returns because he's the defending champ. The Skins is the only thing he's won since the 1998 British Open. Couples is back because ... well, I'm not really sure why, except that he was America's favorite, and the coolest golfer around about 12 years and one Tiger Woods ago. Freddy also loves made-for-TV events because there's no pressure and lots of money. He has won $2.27 million from the Skins Game alone. He's the event's career money-leader, in fact -- a stat that is exceeded in esoteric value only by this tidbit: Couples has won more skins (58) than anyone else in Skins Game history.

Woods will not be playing this year; Sorenstam is replacing him in the field. (Insert your own politically incorrect wisecrack here.) Phil Mickelson is the fourth and if he can't win this event against this field, he's definitely never going to get that major championship.

With any luck, this is the beginning of the end for the Skins Game. It's an idea whose time is long past. It began in 1983 as a novelty, an interesting one because the first foursome (or should I say First Foursome?) -- Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, Gary Player and Tom Watson -- teed it up for big money ($360,000). It was as much about pride as it was about money and it truly does rank as a historic moment in the history of fake golf. The problem now is that money has been devalued in this big-purse era. Annika and friends will play for $1 million, or about half of Tiger's usual appearance fee. Holes 13 through 17 are going to be worth $70,000 while the 18th will be worth $200,000. By today's PGA Tour standards, this is chump change.

As an entertaining TV show (which is what tournament golf is turning into, including the majors, I might add), the Skins Game is an utter failure. There is little byplay between the players, who are miked but apparently unwilling or unable to cough up any interesting conversation. Maybe Annika's arrival will spice up the chatter, but I doubt it. She's a super-serious competitor who will be totally into the shots and the event -- this is a stage for her that is only slight less big than her riveting Colonial appearance. And she's not exactly Jay Leno when it comes to small talk, anyway. Come to think of it, neither was Woods last year. Also, the show needs to be severely edited. Most of the telecast seems to be filled with commercials and thrilling footage the foursome making long walks to their tee shots. Gee, riveting stuff. If I want to spend three hours watching nine holes, I'll go to my local muny course on the weekend. It should be edited down to an hour each day. Most of us have computers and remotes and as a result have tiny little attention spans.

I don't think raising the Skins purse would help. What amount of money, in an era when athletes such as Alex Rodriguez earn $25 million a year, would impress us? Would the Skins Game be more exciting if the competitors played for $1 million a hole? No. Mickelson has already earned $23 million on the golf course during his career. Another million is just a few more decimal points for his children's trust fund.

MAILBAG MAILBAG Gary Van Sickle will answer select questions from SI.com users each week in Underground Golfer. Your name: Your e-mail address: Your home town: Enter your question:

After Annika, the Skins Game is running out of gimmicks. Money isn't enough. The players need to play for something that affects them. Like the winner gets to dress the other three in kilts for the next hole. Or make them wear nuns' habits. Or gets to take two clubs out of the others' bag for a hole. Or make them perform a skit. Or read poetry out loud. Better yet, just pull the plug on this obsolete show after this year. Unless, of course, Annika wins. Then it has a reason to live for at least one year. If they can just keep it going until Michelle Wie turns pro...

Meanwhile, back at the Mailbag...

Players are not allowed to be coached during a round, which is fine. Why, then, are caddies allowed to read putts, line up the player over the ball and basically coach? I think if a player is not that adept at reading putts, he shouldn't have the advantage of a good reading caddie. Let only the skill of the player determine the outcome. --John Lees, Wappingers Falls, N.Y.

 Go to Scotland, John-boy, and take a real Scottish caddie around for 18 holes at the Old Course. You'll never suggest anything so sacrilegious again.

The World Golf Hall of Fame changed venue from somewhere in Ohio (I think) to St. Augustine, Fla. I heard somewhere that following that transition, approximately 10 inductees into the first Hall of Fame were not included in the new Hall. Is this true? If so, why? This sounds preposterous to me.        --Patrick Linehan, Washington, D.C.

The Golf Hall used to be next door to Pinehurst, actually. Don't think of it as some sacred museum. Think of it as a convenience store that anybody can open. You could start a Golf Hall of Fame tomorrow, make your own decisions on who should be in it, and sell tickets to the buying public. The Golf Hall historically was a weak attempt at a tourist attraction with loose rules about who voted for the inductees. Several different groups have run something they called the Hall. Now the PGA Tour has taken it over and tried to include every tour. Yes, some inductees in an earlier version of the Hall aren't in the current one. But hey, you can go next door now at the World Golf Village and eat in a really good restaurant (Caddyshack) owned by Bill Murray and his brothers.

I know there's been too much fuss about Tiger's play this year. Watching Tiger in the Buick a couple of weeks back I couldn't help but notice that he had a hard time turning his game up a notch on the last nine holes. Where do you think Tiger ranks all time among golfers who can turn on their game and make a charge from behind? Has there been anyone in golf who could consistently pull a Michael Jordan (e.g. playing with the flu in Game 5 of the '95 finals), or is it just impossible to do in golf?                       --Kerwin, New York

If you're only 9 years old, I forgive your question, K-Pax, but have you seen half of Tiger's wins? And close calls like last year's PGA, when he birdied the last four holes to put the pressure on Rich Beem? Like Jack Nicklaus, Tiger has a knack for shooting low final rounds, even when he's not in contention. He hasn't played his best golf this year but the nature of the sport is such that no one plays their best all the time, year in and year out.

Why does golf allow for customized equipment, souped up for one guy, while all other sports have standardized equipment in competitive events? The solution is for the USGA and the PGA to tell the equipment manufacturers to take a hike for the majors and have a standardized line of equipment that everyone has to use. End of story. The balls then could be governed for distance without doing anything to the average amateur players. It's between sad and ridiculous that Merion is too short or that Medinah doesn't qualify for a major any longer. --Marcel Deste, San Francisco

I liked you better as a mime, Marcel. Your simplistic solution overlooks the fact that the USGA and PGA have no real power over manufacturers and that if a standardized ball rule was instituted, numerous restraint-of-trade lawsuits would ensue, costing millions and snagging the whole process in court for years. Guess you don't remember the whole square grooves suit, eh? The only tournament that might be able to implement a one-ball rule like this is the Masters. And, in fact, I think Masters czar Hootie Johnson is liable to do just that in the not-too-distant future.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Gary Van Sickle writes for the magazine's Golf Plus section and is a regular contributor to SI.com.