Backstage at The Show

Bill Scheft has a few parting shots for Daytona, A-Rod

Jeffrey A. Salter/SI

Before we begin, one complaint about the swimsuit issue: Every time I finish leafing through it, my lap is covered with sand.

Dale Jr. wins first Daytona 500

Jeff Burton finished next-to-last running in the "TNT NBA All-Star Game" car. Well, sure. With Ernie Johnson's face on the back, it couldn't get in edgewise.

For the first time in the history of the Great American Race, smoking was not allowed in the press box. However, a section was set aside for all members of the media with wet, hacking coughs.

Yanks play Powerball, reel in A-Rod

The Yankees have acquired Alex Rodriguez. You knew it was going to happen last week when Tom Hicks promoted A-Rod from captain to colonel.

Here's what I don't get. The minute news of the blockbuster trade was reported, Manny Ramirez started packing.

And Jesse Orosco finally retired. He had signed a minor league deal with the Diamondbacks, but his nurse couldn't pass the physical.

Miami's top football recruit surrenders after violating probation during recruiting trip

Willie Williams was charged with misdemeanor battery for hugging a woman in a bar without her permission. I don't know. Sounds like an appropriate way to celebrate the Maurice Clarett ruling.

Others charges are pending, including five alleged felonies in the span of five hours. Unfortunately, because they happened in February, they can't be listed until next season's Hurricanes media guide.

Four men charged in BALCO steroid trial

Dozens of athletes have testified before the grand jury in exchange for immunity. Thank goodness. The last thing you want to hear in court is, "Place your left hand on the Bible and raise the specimen cup in your right..."

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with David Letterman.