Super Bowl XXXVIII's halftime show was the real Lingerie Bowl
So this is how far Janet Jackson's career has plummeted -- playing the part of an "unwitting" boob? And let's be honest here: It was staged, whether MTV, CBS or the NFL wants to admit it. Why else would she be wearing some medieval nipple plate over that certain area that just so happened to unexpectedly get more exposure than her last album?
There are manhole covers smaller than that starburst Miss Jackson (since we're being nasty) was sporting. And who was Johnny-on-the-spot in charge of flipping off the lights after the bosom was exposed? Notice we all saw just enough to know it happened, and then -- boob! er, boom! -- it was over. Tell me again this wasn't staged.
The Super Bowl has evolved into sport's biggest spectacle, and Sunday night only furthered its standing as must-see TV, especially for the nincompoop crowd to whom these halftime shows cater. Apparently, wannabe pop icon Justin Timberlake wanted to make sure his name went down with the other notable halftime acts, like ... umm, well ... just go sit next to Ricky Martin. Again, convince me it wasn't staged.
Oh the humanity, feigned the NFL. We've likely seen the last of MTV's halftime productions, said league executive VP Joe Browne. Whew, there's no telling what the folks at Music Television would have concocted given another 52 weeks to ponder; Lil Kim exposing both breasts, perhaps? But really, it wasn't staged. It was a "wardrobe malfunction," according to Timberlake. It was his only on-cue lip-sync of the night.
And after extensive examination of photos taken immediately following the "wardrobe malfunction," this reporter would like it known for the record that a) the leather was not torn and b) neither was the brassiere. There are no tell-tale signs of distress to either garment. (It was an exhaustive effort to closely examine the photos, but hey, someone had to do it.)
What, the black leather was supposed to rip, revealing only the polka-dotted red lace bra? Dude, c'mon, we've all seen more than that on the Victoria's Secret made-for-TV special. I mean, this is the "boob tube" we're talking about.
Of course the lyrics to the song left little to the imagination. Rock Your Body ends with the line, 'Cause I gotta have you naked by the end of this song.' Apropos, don't you think? But, say it again: It was not staged. And be sure to drink the Kool-Aid on your way out.
However, there is one other thing clearly evident in the wake of the Breast Damn Sports Show, Period fallout: At least those who saw Janet's bosom didn't ante up $19.99 to watch the Lingerie Bowl. The folks who paid for that are the biggest boobs of all.
B. Duane Cross is a senior producer for SI.com.