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Fastest "You, Man" Alive

Posted: Tuesday August 24, 2004 10:20AM; Updated: Tuesday August 24, 2004 4:36PM
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American Justin Gatlin was the surprise gold medalist in the men's 100 meters, winning in 11.85. No, I'm sorry. He won in 9.85. 11.85 is how long it'll take Maurice Greene to get that G.O.A.T. tattoo removed.

Despite two defeats, the U.S. men's basketball team can still run the table and win the gold. I believe that, and I believe all those empty seats everywhere are there to serve as a batter's eye.

Come on. Michael Phelps spent $50 and got front-row seats to beach volleyball for himself and his medals.

Speaking of tickets, I'm out $1,700. And I don't want to complain, but somebody should have told me Buick didn't have a corporate luxury box for the shot put finals.

The shot put was the first competition held in Olympia in 16 centuries. If you don't count the annual Eastern Sectional Pita Bake-Off.

By the way, should I be worried that none of the U.S. women gymnasts has a voice higher than Rowdy Gaines?

Deion and the Balt. Mounts?

Ray Lewis and Corey Fuller are trying to talk the former All-Pro corner into coming out of retirement and playing nickelback for the Ravens. I don't know. I think they could get better coverage from Deion's tailor.

Last week, Ravens RB Jamal Lewis, already awaiting trial for drug conspiracy, was hit with an additional federal charge -- attempting to possess cocaine. He faces no additional time if convicted, but if cleared, the government could get 15 yards for piling on.

White Sox headed south of Central

Chicago GM Ken Williams is getting a little testy. Next Thursday at Comiskey Park is "Magglio Ordonez Tamper-Proof Cap Night."

Tiger No. 2 at WGC/NEC, good enough for No. 1

Despite finishing second at Firestone, Woods virtually clinched the number one ranking. Okay, now that that's been decided, the only thing left is for Hal Sutton to design some really hideous Ryder Cup shirts.

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