There's a morning haze on the Hudson, the coffee's hot and over on SportsCenter, Scott Van Pelt somehow just worked an Ali G/Borat reference -- "Hi-ugh Five!" -- into the Cleveland Browns-Baltimore Ravens highlights.

Not to be outdone, Stuart Scott just followed with one of his signature phrases, referring to Daunte Culpepper as "as cool as the other side of the pillow." Little-known fact: Prince is a big Stuart Scott fan.

Some Monday thoughts ...

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1. It seems that as the countdown to 700 HRs continues, Barry Bonds has become warm and fuzzy. Or at least temperate. Not only is he talking to the media on a more regular basis (a rare phenomenon that my colleague Albert Chen nicely described last week), but the media appears to be softening up on the whole Barry-is-evil theme. When was the last time you heard Bonds and steroids in the same sentence? To answer my own question, I ran a query through LexisNexis, a newspaper search engine (and much, much more), and found just two occurrences in the last week from all U.S. and main international newspapers (searching for "Bonds" within seven words of "steroids"). The first, from The Dallas Morning News, briefly mentions BALCO and then defends Bonds, concluding with "All the steroids in the world do not help a hitter make better contact." The second is from the Agence France Presse (or, in Rumsfeld-speak, the Agence Freedom Press), and that must be some sort of United Nations thing.

2. Speaking of Bonds, my favorite quote of the week came from Giants manager Felipe Alou. After the Diamondbacks serially walked Bonds during the teams' recent series, causing the Arizona fans to boo with the fervor of Philadelphians greeting Mike Schmidt at an old-timers game, Bonds connected on No. 699 last night in the ninth inning. Afterwards, Alou said, "People living in a capitalistic country like this, they want their money's worth. I believe they came to see that guy swing a bat." Because, presumably, only bunts are allowed in a communist state. And even then, there shall be only sauntering to first base.

3. In the wake of the Kevin Brown-concrete wall TKO, some unique advice for the temperamental Yankee comes from Yahoo baseball columnist and former pitcher Jack McDowell. McDowell draws on his own experience and recommends, among other things, that Brown learn how to rip off his uniform pants to take out his aggression. Then McDowell goes into extended detail about exactly how to do this. For example: "As the zipper reaches its endpoint and has nowhere to go, this is where the fun part begins." Which is a reminder to all of us that fun is where you find it.

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4. In a year, people will be talking about Roger Federer's dominance of men's tennis the way they used to talk about Tiger Woods' dominance of golf. What struck me yesterday was how easy he made the game look while dismantling Lleyton Hewitt in the U.S. Open final. And I love the fact that Federer runs around his forehand, something former high school standout Albert Chen would be wise to do more often when playing fellow Daily Bloggers.

5. The other day, while eating at a diner with some friends, the talk turned -- as it inevitably does -- to baking. Pillsbury baking, to be exact. Every two years, Pillsbury holds a bake-off open to anyone -- think of it as the World Cup of Cupcakes. All you need is a recipe that includes Pillsbury ingredients. In and of itself, this information is not particularly interesting. What is interesting is the prize: $1 million. And just how is the winner decided? Judges, of course, which might lead some to argue for baking's inclusion as an Olympic sport, if the e-mails that fellow Blogger Josh Elliott received after his defense of non-judged sports are any indication).

6. Anyway, this may not come as a surprise, but last year, out of the 100 finalists, 95 were women. Which leads me to my proclamation: I will win the 2006 Pillsbury Bake-Off!

7. Just kidding. Maybe if it was a grilled-cheese-making contest, I'd have a shot (gotta put a light coating of butter on both the bread and the pan, then cook 'til golden brown. Helps to put a pot lid over the whole thing to centralize the heat). But it does lead me to my point: I think it would make a great Will Ferrell movie. (Or, alternately, Christopher Guest mockumentary). It's already too good to be true. This year's finals were held at the Renaissance Hollywood Hotel and emceed by -- who else could it be -- Dick Clark. I'm picturing a roomful of contestants with Laura Bush hair helmets, though surely that is stereotyping. According to a press release, they were all "stylishly attired" in aprons created by "noted Target designer" Isaac Mizrahi. The big winner: Suzanne Conrad, a mother of two from Findlay, Ohio. She won with Oats 'n Honey Granola Pie. It followed in the tradition of such culinary classics as the "Orange Kiss-Me Cake" from 1950 by Lily Wuebel and "Open Sesame Pie" in 1954 (The secret ingredient? Chopped dates, baby).

8. So the movie could be a Cinderella story. Ferrell's character, who is basically Frank the Tank with an apron, tries to impress a girl by making pancakes the morning after, but he ends up getting sucked into watching Sixteen Candles and cooks them too long. So he throws everything else in his fridge in a bowl, bakes it and calls it "Banana Fig Surprise." It is, of course, curiously tasty. One thing leads to another, he follows a winding, Rocky-esque road with many musical montages (I'm thinking Hit Me with Your Best Shot as he trains for the finals, puffs of flour shooting into the air as he punches the dough) and ends up furiously cooking on stage as Dick Clark does play-by-play. Or something like that.

From the Mailbag ...

In response to last week's mention of the Joe Paterno story in the New York Times Magazine, Dan from Austin (by way of Lancaster, Pa.) wrote in. "As for the question of whether he should retire, here's my take: Screw football. He probably has done more for that university than any coach has for his or hers. He draws students, he gives his own money and he gets other people to give theirs. The move to the Big Ten, while unsuccessful in football, has worked well for some other sports but, more importantly, opened up some intriguing academic collaborations. These are good things that go beyond football, which is what we all say we want from college coaches. Unfortunately, we're a bunch of hypocrites. Despite the lip service, we want wins. Paterno has delivered more of them in Division I than anyone other than Bobby Bowden. And he's done far more off the field. Primarily for these reasons, he should be able to call his own shots. He should be allowed the chance to rebound from his worst-ever season."

I tend to agree with you Dan -- though I think we've moved long past the point of pretending that big-time Division I football has anything at all to do with academics.

Finally, as the SI Cover Jinx works its magic on the Red Sox (i.e.. "Hot Sox"), a certain sports sage weighs in with a different theory as to what will cause their demise. Here it is, the Important Sports Though from My Friend Owen, which I received at 1:19 a.m. last Thursday (Owen never rests).

"When the Red Sox disintegrate, Pedro Astacio will be on the hill. I said this Sept. 9, 2004.

"What on earth were they thinking picking up Astacio?! (AL debut: 1 2/3, two runs, three walks.) Only the late Darryl Kile ever came back effectively from the career-ruining experience of pitching for the Colorado Rockies. Putting into the bullpen a former Rockie -- a class of pitcher capable of the dispassionate surrender of extra-base hits to any batter, any situation -- is just a feckless, fate-tempting, ignorant move. It is worse than signing Armando Benitez."

SportsCenter's over. Now they're showing ads for Tom Sizemore and his bad wig in Hu$tle. Time for me to go.

Chris Ballard is a staff writer for Sports Illustrated and writes a Daily Blog every Monday for SI.com.