Kerry Collins' strong arm would fit well in Norv Turner's offense in Oakland. Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

By now you know the names and you've heard the speculation. We've all spent the last few weeks patiently reading the tea leaves, listening to the bleatings of the agents, and diligently keeping an eye peeled for that first key deal that serves to set off the domino effect.

Still, there's nothing doing on the NFL's second-tier quarterback carousel, and the marketplace is getting more and more crowded every day. Just ask Steve Beuerlein.

I think I speak for NFL pundits and fans everywhere when I say enough is enough. If the available quarterbacks and the passer-needy teams aren't going to get down to brass tacks and signing bonuses, we're just going to have to kick-start the May and June roundup and call the press conferences ourselves.

Tim Couch, we're looking in your direction. Kurt Warner, front and center. And we'd like a word with you too, Kerry Collins. We're making assignments, and we're not interested in your wish list. Too late for that. We gave you guys weeks to shop yourselves, and nothing got done. We're taking charge because it's long past time to start getting some of these familiar faces hooked up with new places.

Hey, there's a mere 10-11 weeks left until training camps spring to life. Fantasy football geeks need time to plan their drafts.

Understand, we're not trying to predict where you're going to end up come late July. We're telling you. Right to your face mask. We're going on what seems logical to us, and our take on the best possible destination for this particular stage of your career. Check your egos at the door and keep in mind that your actual results -- and salary demands -- may vary:

• Tim Couch, Green Bay: Memo to the NFL's first overall pick in 1999 --  Kentucky was a long, long time ago. You've made a ton of money, and you got more than your fair shot in Cleveland. Let it go, swallow your pride, and join the Packers as Brett Favre's understudy. There are worse assignments in life.

You may be more err apparent than heir apparent, but you'll never know until you get traded to Green Bay and find out. Ancient Chinese proverb says a career rehabilitation of 1,000 miles starts with one step. Or something like that. Tell your powerful agent that a one-year deal is fine, and that you want to wear green and gold and chase a new dream. Do it today. Call now. Mike Sherman is standing by.

• Kurt Warner, Chicago: If getting another shot at starting is really all that Warner cares about at this point in his tsunami ride of a career, then San Francisco is probably the place for him. With Tim Rattay sidelined by injury until at least August, Warner, who'll be released in June, would be a Ken Dorsey away from being No. 1 by the bay. How many QBs wouldn't kill to say that?

But do you have any idea of how sieve-like the 49ers offensive line could be this year? And have you seen how Warner has reacted to a heavy rush in the past two years? It's not the best of fits, Kurt, my boy. Chicago makes more sense, even if the Bears are trying to pretend that Rex Grossman's three career starts make him the unquestioned No. 1. After all, the Windy City is close to Iowa, and maybe another dose of that Arenaball magic will rub off on Warner.

• Kerry Collins, Oakland: Again, with Rattay so iffy and Jeff Garcia now in Cleveland, the 49ers should be all over Collins, the safest bet in the deep veteran quarterback pool. But you still get the feeling that the Misers, I mean, Niners are more interested in keeping their budget viable than their playoff chances.

So if I'm the Raiders -- who are not about to pay 38-year-old Rich Gannon $7 million this year when he's coming off a torn labrum that shortened his 2003 season -- I'm making sure I know every little nuance about Collins' market. Collins has the best available arm that fits Norv Turner's deep passing offense, and he has to believe the Raiders have upgraded their talent level as much as anyone in the AFC this year.

Dallas, Chicago and the 49ers might all get into the Collins' bidding, but we're taking a hint from -- and this pains us to say it -- Warren Sapp and going with the Silver and Black.

• Rich Gannon, Tampa Bay: OK, here's a scenario that is not as far-fetched as it might seem: Gannon will get his $7 million salary in Oakland this year only if hell freezes over, and we hear another warm front is moving in. Principle is all well and good, except when it serves to cut off your nose to spite your face. Once the Raiders move on Collins and release Gannon, what's next for the NFL's 2002 MVP?

If you guessed a collect phone call to Jon Gruden, coach of the Raiders East, you just might be an NFL expert. Despite his frequent love sonnets to incumbent Brad Johnson, Gruden is genetically incapable of passing on the signing of a headline name. Especially if it's a former quarterback who he has been lusting for ever since he left Oakland, and said quarterback is willing to sign on the dotted line for the NFL veteran minimum or so. Don't say we didn't warn you.

One footnote: If Gannon ends up with the Bucs at some point late this offseason, don't be shocked if Johnson asks out of Tampa Bay and seeks to find his way to Oakland and Turner, whom he played for in Washington. In that case, however, Collins would not already be on hand.

• Vinny Testaverde, New York Giants: Yeah, we know Vinny's a Bill Parcells guy and that's why everyone has him ticketed for Dallas once he's released in June. But the Vin-Man is first and foremost a New York guy, and a good guy, and that's why he's perfectly cast to play the role of mentor to No. 1 pick Eli Manning.

Remember how graciously Testaverde dealt with the torch passing to Chad Pennington in 2002? He'll do it again, and even better, with Manning. If the Giants need him to start for a week or a month, Testaverde is their guy. They even save on moving expenses. If the Giants need even more insurance behind Manning and Testaverde, let's give them the well-traveled Damon Huard as their No. 3.

• Kordell Stewart, Denver: What choice does Stewart have these days but to continue his westward NFL migration? Then again, the Broncos have to hold special appeal to him because Stewart was a star quarterback for those always-entertaining Colorado Buffaloes once upon a time. In Denver, Stewart would be the odds-on favorite to beat out Danny Kanell for the backup job behind Jake Plummer.

A couple of factors make that sound enticing: For one, Plummer's not exactly Lou Gehrig. He played in only 11 regular-season games last year, with both Beuerlein and Kanell getting starts behind him. Secondly, Stewart's style of game would be a decent fit in Denver, given that Plummer makes a ton of plays on the run and the Broncos offense has found room in recent years to employ a running quarterback in Jarious Jackson. We assume for now that Beuerlein will retire and not be asked to re-sign in Denver.

• Jeff Blake, Buffalo: Why the Bills? Well, because the Jets, Bengals, Saints, Ravens and Cardinals are no longer possibilities. Blake has already been there, done that. Blake would give Buffalo a fairly safe middle option, should starter Drew Bledsoe continue to struggle or go down with an injury, and first-round pick J.P. Losman prove to be at least a year away, as everyone expects.

Blake can still move around and wing the ball on a line. The last Bills quarterback who flashed a little mobility did all right for himself. They named a cereal after Doug Flutie in Buffalo. Blake isn't a guy you're going to ask to mentor Losman, because he's been stepped over so many times by young, on-the-way-up passers that he's a tad bitter about it. But that's OK, because Bledsoe has promised to play the mentor. At least for this year.

• Kurt Kittner, New England: The Patriots must see something promising in this third-year veteran, because they tried to claim him off waivers when Atlanta cut him earlier this offseason. Now that the Bengals have let him go as well, expect New England to make another run at him, with the idea of letting him compete with Rohan Davey for the vacant backup job behind Tom Brady.

Don Banks covers pro football for SI.com.