Plenty of club stuff to answer, but big things first. Kai Keasey of Redwood City, Calif., where the Niners used to have their camp, has correctly finished the old joke that I teased in my last Mailbag column, and thus, drum roll, he wins our E-mailer of the Week award. Congratulations, Kai, and go with God.

Now on to some football matters. New England fans are wondering ... OK, OK, you didn't really think I was going to leave that joke untold, did you? Just having a little fun. A warning: It's old. I mean, I heard it in high school. It's not hilarious. "Mildly amusing," the Flaming Redhead said, to be kind. Why did I ever get into this?

The cook at a mining camp quits. They make one of the miners the cook, but the deal is that anyone who complains has to do the cooking. First day, the food is awful. Someone complains and he becomes the cook and he's even worse than the first guy. It gets so bad that one day he goes into the forest and collects some moose crap and makes pancakes. The first guy who tastes it says, "Moose crap! But it's good ..."

Kai Keasey's rendition is that the guy deliberately cooked up that stuff, so people would complain, but I prefer the East Coast version. And we've milked this sorry thing as long as we can, and kindly address further complaints to Jimmy or Andrew.

Andrew? Huh? What's the deal? Just this. The Time Warner Medical Research Dept. on the 12th floor has figured out a way to clone people. Jimmy has been cloned. His clone is named Andrew. I'd suggest you don't mess with him. Science is not something to screw around with.

I miss the rips. I had to explain to Andrew that social misfits such as me need their ration of rips or they go into tilt mode, so right on cue he fed me Todd of Middletown, N.Y. "You really are a piece of work, Z. More anti-Redskins garbage from you," is the way his e-mail starts. And his ending speaks right to my heart: "Go ahead, Jimmy. Delete me again. You're doing Z a major disservice, though. He needs to know he's had it as an impartial analyst. He's done. It's time for him to retire to the Redhead for good." What caused this bitterness? The fact that Art Monk failed to make the Hall of Fame again, and in the past I haven't been in his corner. Dear Todd: I wouldn't take out my feelings about Dan Snyder on a solid player such as Monk. And this year at the Hall of Fame meeting I didn't say a word about him, pro or con. The fact that he didn't advance from the final 15 to the final 10 shows that other people weren't on his side, either. Monk, to my mind, was very valuable in Joe Gibbs' scheme as a third-down receiver, a guy who could sit down in the zone and catch the eight-yard hook and buy the Skins a first down. A lot of them. Whether or not this qualifies a guy for the Hall of Fame is for the selectors to decide.

From John of Austin, Texas: "My question is what wine would go best when you're eating your words after Terrell Owens helps take the Eagles to the Super Bowl? Perhaps a magnum of Silver Oak?" Maybe Owens -- surprise -- will be a newly scrubbed, unselfish team guy with the Iggles, but I doubt it. I could be wrong. As far as the Silver Oak, and I assume you're talking about their Cabernet, since that's what they make. A magnum would be just great, but someone else would have to pay, because I couldn't afford it. If I really have to eat my words, I'll go with a Central Valley Thompson Seedless with the nouns, a low-priced Slovenian Riesling with the verbs and something from Albania for the adverbs and adjectives.

Is that it for rips? Wow, soft day, huh? John of Boston is afraid that the new directive to NFL officials to tighten up on their calls downfield will make it a lot tougher on the Pats' physical left corner, Ty Law. A very valid fear. It's gonna be hard for guys like Law for a few years. You'll see a lot of garbage calls, a lot of acting jobs by mediocre receivers, followed by cheap first downs. Then the defensive coaches will put such heat on the competition committee that that group will get the officials to loosen up. That's the way it goes with the rules -- tighten 'em, loosen 'em, then tighten 'em again. The old accordion game.

Chuck of Seattle fears that the old middle linebacker is becoming obsolete, or at least a very low priority. I think Urlacher of the Bears is the new style of MLB. Makes plays all over the field, but is soft at the point. Last year, in a piece I did for the Sports Illustrated NFL preview issue about the best "pressure players at every position," I was trying to name my choice for top MLB when I needed a run stuffed. I honestly couldn't find one. I think I settled for Ed Hartwell of the Ravens, whom I really wasn't nuts about. "The old sluggo middle linebacker of the past doesn't exist anymore," says NFL superscout Mike Giddings. Does that mean that coaches don't care about the position? Not exactly, but as you pointed out, it's not a tremendously high priority. Just look at the four who were in the championship games and Super Bowl last season. Tedy Bruschi, Dan Morgan, Rob Morris, Mark Simoneau. Pretty good players, but do you see anything close to an All-Pro there?

Chris of Edmonton, Alberta, thinks that the Lions' Matt Millen is overpaying for has-beens. This is a desperate team. Matt is grasping. Patch the bleeding first, fill the most gaping holes, then try to build something special. I agree with you that it's becoming too expensive to fill those holes, but Matt's on a short leash in Detroit. He has to do something quickly.

Dave of NYC wants each team to have a possession in overtime, and wonders why the competition committee doesn't see things his way. Probably because it feels as I do, that defense is part of the game. If you miss the coin flip, you're gonna have to play some D, so stop complaining and fasten the chin straps. Let's look at it your way. Team A gets the ball and kicks a field goal. Team B gets the ball and matches it. Now it's A's ball again. Hey, wait a minute. They're getting two possessions to B's one, and B has no chance to even it up. Not fair. So what's completely fair? The college system? Uh uh, games would take forever and throw the statistics all out of whack.

Dan of San Francisco likes Lester Hayes for the Hall of Fame and wonders what's holding him up. Too much competition in the room each time he comes up. Not enough great years. During one eight or nine-game stretch in 1980 Lester ran up the highest grades I've ever given a cornerback, and that includes Deion. But if I'd have to pick my No. 1 corner who should make it, it would be a guy nobody remembers, Roger Wehrli of the Cardinals.

Jim of Buffalo wonders if it's time to replace Drew Bledsoe. No. Put a better line in front of him. Give him better receivers to complement Eric Moulds.

("Nice game, Eric ... great job, Eric ... those are receivers complimenting Eric Moulds," quips the Redhead, who's still bitter about what Todd of Middletown, N.Y., said)

Mike of Washington worries that the Cowboys' "Jerry Jones and Bill Parcells are quiet as church mice and that scares me a little." Not all that quiet. They made a major receiver-for-receiver trade, right? And I think they got the better of it, which should worry you a bit. Granted, they haven't been flamboyant, but they brought in a guy who can rush the passer, Marcellus Wiley. If that Drew Henson thing really works out, then kaboom!

Nice, leisurely e-mail from Bob of Brooklyn ... now, that's more like it, Andrew or Jimmy or whomever. Keep 'em coming like that. Loves Mendocino, loves the Charbono wines. We're two for two so far. And he loves the Eagles. Wants to know why they spent a fortune to bring in two question marks, Jevon Kearse and Owens, whose "jumping the shark" moment was that Bic autograph thing. Jumping the shark. Man, I love that expression. Don't understand what it means, but I love it anyway. Hey, Linda, what does jumping the shark mean? "Being totally fearless," she says, annoyed that I'm so dim I can't grasp it. Of course I agree with you, Bob. We're three for three. Two big-play guys who have seen the bottom fall out of their games. Maybe Andy Reid will restore them to premier status. Then won't he and the greenies be laughing at guys like you and me. We'll be known forever as "they," as in, "they said picking up Kearse and Owens were dumb moves," etc.

From Barry of Brighton, Tenn., by way of Mexico, courtesy of the US Navy (I think I could build this into a novel, or at least a short story). Did you have a question, mate, or only a biography? Yes, here it is. Why not schedule Thursday-night games between teams coming off byes, so nobody could bitch about short work weeks? An interesting idea, but it would still put them at a competitive disadvantage because some people would have clean, uncluttered bye weeks whereas these poor devils would have to play a game after, uh ... you know something? As I'm writing this, I'm questioning it, myself. In fact, I don't even agree with it. I agree with you. It would be a great idea. I'll mention it to a few people. I like Thursday-nighters because then I can chart nine games per week instead of my normal eight. Thanks, incidentally, for the nice words about my column.

Bruce of Boston, who once lived in Edinburgh, wonders if this is the year the Patriots develop a running game. Oh, I don't know. Charlie Weis, whom I was unfairly rough on -- make that on whom I was unfairly rough -- last season likes short, possession passing, wideout screens, things like that. Just off the top of my head, it seems to me that in crunch time, when the Pats absolutely have to run the ball, they manage to do it. It still really isn't a big-league, high-commitment ground game, and unless some dynamite runner falls into their lap, I can't see the Pats building one in the near future. Thanks for your tip on the pub near Edinburgh and the chips and sauce (although I'm not a salt person). We'll be in the area next month and will try to get to your place, the Golf Tavern. If we do, I'll bore my readers with a lengthy, at least two-sentence, description.

A highly apropos Giants question from Mike of Arlington, Va.: Who's the best first-round draft pick -- one of the QBs, Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisberger, or tackle Robert Gallery (why isn't a Robert called Bob anymore?)? Strictly my opinion -- Manning? No, for reasons I mentioned a few weeks ago. I'm not sold on him. Roethlisberger? Possibly, if he really has all the upside people claim he does. But look what happens if they get Gallery. They plug him in at LT. Luke Petitgout goes back to RT, where I think he excelled. With an outstanding pair of tackles, the rest of the line falls into place, and last year's major problem is fixed. This comes strictly from a guy who doesn't have to make his living from decisions such as this, and if they actually draft the tackle and either QB becomes an All-Pro I will keep my big fat mouth shut while the well-earned abuse is heaped upon the heads of me and the Giants.

Steve of Ottawa can't understand the nonsensical nature of big money packages, when the last few years of the contract don't matter anyway, since the club doesn't have to honor them. No one takes any notice of the total package, only the yearly cap figure and the amount of guaranteed money.

Glenn of Midland, Texas, says all that diddling around at the line that Peyton Manning does drives him nuts, and if it drives him crazy, wouldn't it get the linemen bugged, too? Yeah, I'd certainly think so, but I've never heard any of them complain, at least publicly. When I played on an Army team, we had a QB who did some of that. I'd look back from my tackle position and say, "Just run the damn play." He'd say, "Shut your stupid mouth." The guys across the line from us would break up laughing. It wasn't a dignified way to run an offense.

	MAILBAG Dr. Z will answer select user questions each week in his NFL mailbag. Your name: Your e-mail address: Your home town: Enter your question:

Dave of Cincinnati asks a question I've heard, oh, maybe 500 times -- "What on earth is going on with the Bengals?" Seems that he isn't overwhelmed by their offseason so far. Well, let's take a look. Carson Palmer gets the job without any track record behind him. I don't like that at all. Let him earn it. Free agency was kind of a blah. I didn't like to see them lose Mark Roman, a good, young safetyman. None of their pick-ups thrilled me, although Bobbie Williams can be a better guard than people think. Signing center Rich Braham was a good move. You know something? I'm putting myself to sleep here. Last year's offseason wasn't too thrilling, either, but they did come an ace away from the playoffs. They're going to have to put together a few decent seasons, I believe, before people will want to come over and play for them.

Chuck, a loyal, longtime reader from Menomonee Falls, Wis., mentions that the last sentence in my column from the league meetings, "sent a shiver up my spine." You're in good company. At the time, the Redhead said, "I hate that line." And I can hear all of you out there pounding a shoe on the table and yelling, "What was it?" It was just something dumb and depressing about hoping I'm around to attend next year's league meetings, and no, there's no health problem involved here, knock wood. Just one of those creepy thoughts that sometime sneak in as you get older. Thanks, Chuck, for your concern.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Paul Zimmerman covers the NFL for the magazine and SI.com. His Power Rankings, "Inside Football" column and Mailbag appear weekly on SI.com.