I am merely the landlord of this property. I am renting space. To a whole bunch of unreliable tenants. Transients. Very few have paid any rent yet. What you will see is a radical departure from pre-season rankings, which, as you know, are mostly smoke. That's what happens when they actually play the games. It messes up everything. I am letting some poor devils enjoy their moment in the sun, based on last weekend's achievements, when we all know they will soon move out of their assigned residences.

I think I've carried this landlord-tenant analogy about as far as it will stretch, so without further ado I present the hollowed, uh, hello'ed, make that hallowed rankings:

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 1 New England Patriots (1-0) The defending champ must lose before its title gets taken away. 2 2 Seattle Seahawks (1-0) This is tricky. Who deserves the silver medal spot, the 'Hawks, who won convincingly on the road, or the Packers, who beat a better team, also on the road, on Monday night? I am giving it to the Seahawks because I had them in the Super Bowl, preseason, and I don't want to jinx my pick. 3 12 Green Bay Packers (1-0) The most blitzing since the Jerry Glanville Gritz Blitz days. Do they dare to try it against a team with an offensive line? We'll find out Sunday against Chicago. Well, no, we won't find out Sunday. We'll find out a week from Sunday in Indianapolis. 4 7 Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) OK, Z, eat your words. T.O. scored three TDs against the Jints. Eat 'em, I say! What kind of wine goes with words? I'd say something intellectual, such as Cote de Blaye or Arneis. 5 10 Indianapolis Colts (0-1) What, a loser this high? You bet. It's a loser that should have won ... and dethroned the reigning champ. 6 11 Denver Broncos (1-0) Their Sunday nighter against Kansas City produced my favorite one-liner of the young season. From Joe Theismann in the booth, hyping the game as usual: "The single-most classic rivalry in football today..." Uh huh. The Packers and Bears still play each other? 7 3 Tennessee Titans (1-0) I've got 'em up here because they won impressively on the road, but if Chris Brown is down for a while, their running game is just so so, and without a running game ... you know the drill. 8 9 Minnesota Vikings (1-0) Big-boomer offense, plus a defense that likes to make donations of yards and points. 9 13 New York Jets (1-0) "Stop being so negative. You're still in the top 10 for heaven's sake," says the Flaming Redhead, who happened to notice the past two entries. OK, I say, positively, that if what we saw, offensive line-wise, is for real, then 1) they've done a terrific job of putting this unit together, and 2) they're gonna win more games this year than people think. 10 20 Washington Redskins (1-0) I don't think I saw a word written about their defense in the preseason, but right now it's No.1 in the league. 11 29 Cleveland Browns (1-0) This was one of my Big Bust (and I don't mean Dolly P.) teams of the year, but I'll welcome them into this penthouse apartment on the strength of that emotional surge that took the Ravens apart. How long they stay depends on ... well, partly on how they play, and partly on my mood. I don't like to be wrong, see. 12 25 Dallas Cowboys (0-1) Vinny was on target when he had time. He was even on target when he had to move out of the pocket, as long as he could get his feet set and get a base under him. A big part of the Cowboys' season will be devoted to devising coherent protection schemes for their quarterback. 13 17 Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) The Tommy Maddox legend continues: A last-second drive to win the game on a field goal. Meanwhile, Big Ben paws impatiently in his stall and wonders why they keep feeding him oats when he doesn't have to do any work for them. 14 5 St. Louis Rams (1-0) Am I really gonna hear it from St. Looie fans because I placed two losing teams ahead of them, or are they seeing the Cardinals victory for what it really is, a prelude to darkness? 15 4 Carolina Panthers (0-1) Well, I don't know. I don't want to give anything away because I'm going to be analyzing their Packers loss in Thursday's column, but let's just say that they've been placed in the top half of the rankings out of respect for last year's achievement. 16 6 Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) Defense stunk in '03. Enter Gunther Cunningham with a rake and a garbage bag. It still stinks. Does Buddy Ryan have a phone at that horse farm of his? 17 15 Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0) Ernest Wilford, a 6-foot-4 wideout and fourth-round draft choice. Remember that name, please, because I'm going to be coming back to it. Seconds to play in Buffalo's Rich Stadium. Jags are down by four. They're on the Bills' 7. Fourth down. This is it, one play. Byron Leftwich arches one to the big rookie. The coverage converges. Everybody's on him, the Bills' defenders, two security guards, an ice cream vendor. Up, up he goes. Comes down with the ball and the victory. I close my eyes. I am in back in Kezar Stadium, rooting for my favorite team, the 49ers. And seeing my favorite play, the alley-oop to R.C. Owens, Y.A. Tittle throwing. Doesn't matter how many guys are on him. He soars over all of them. Catches the pass. Again and again, he did this. Oh my, the sweet memories. 18 14 Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) Big plus, Carson Palmer's debut. Big minus, the perimeter defense, which got killed. A plus and a minus equal zero, which comes out to 8-8, which was where we picked 'em. "No you didn't, you picked them 9-7," says a little voice that I usually manage to keep quiet. 19 18 Atlanta Falcons (1-0) Gee, this is pretty rough on a team that won, say the prospective e-mailers. Put it this way: Which of the above teams would they beat, on a neutral field, such as Downing Stadium under the Triborough Bridge in NYC? 20 28 Oakland Raiders (0-1) I guess there's a big hullabaloo out there about young Doug Gabriel replacing Jerry Rice in the varsity lineup, and Jerry's had a magnificent career, but, gosh, how long can you keep padding the stats with 8-yard hitches? 21 31 Arizona Cardinals (0-1) Still in the geriatric ward ... Emmitt Smith had a terrific game, which shows all you sourpusses who thought he was finished. The whole key is eight months' rest. Which means that he should be ready for another one in May, 2005. 22 16 Detroit Lions (1-0) I didn't see their Bears game, but I saw the highlights and I saw Roy Williams make an impossible twisting, diving catch. Fifteen more games of that and the pain of losing Charles Rogers for the second straight year won't hurt so bad. 23 32 San Diego Chargers (1-0) Yes, we know what we're doing. They won. They're still in weenieville in the rankings. The prejudices of an entire offseason don't die easily, but I must commend young Drew Brees, unloved, especially by his coaches, who announced, "I worked tirelessly in the offseason to get to this point." 24 19 Buffalo Bills (0-1) They were beaten by a guy named Leftwich who struggled all day and then marched his team 80 yards and converted three fourth downs. I'm at a loss for words. I can think of only one thing to say, and that's "24." 25 21 Miami Dolphins (0-1) I believe it might be worse than we think, because the base isn't there. And by base I mean offensive line, which is base. (Did I really use a tired old wheezer like that? And the season is just starting). 26 22 New Orleans Saints (0-1) I've heard them called a darkhorse entry. One or two people even picked them for the Super Bowl. So that means that they might be good after all and their problems are fixable, aren't they? Aren't they? 27 30 San Francisco 49ers (0-1) They were making personnel adjustments right up to game time. The D-line got a thorough shuffle. Now their QB is down with a separated shoulder, but guess what? Ken Dorsey, the backup, just might be pretty good. For that reason, I'm not writing them off, even though they're in the dumper in this week's ratings. 28 23 Chicago Bears (0-1) Rex Grossman looked like he wasn't quite ready. You know how many times a Bears quarterback has made the Pro Bowl in the past 45 years? Once, in 1986, when Jim McMahon was selected. 29 8 Baltimore Ravens (0-1) This is a punishment for being ranked so high and playing so low. Discipline. Whips and chains. The whole schmeer. 30 26 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) They've managed to get themselves in a nice pickle, receiver-wise. Joey Galloway is down for a month or two with a torn groin muscle. Tim Brown is 90 years old. Meanwhile, Keyshawn Johnson was catching nine balls for the Cowboys. Tampa's hink-a-dink passing game averaged 7 yards per completion. And the whole offense produced an NFL low of 169 yards. OK, you e-mailers, lemme hear round two. I've got some ammo this time. 31 24 New York Giants (0-1) We knew the offense was gonna have problems, but it was the defense that cracked. I'd say that at least the punting game is still solid, but did you see that horrendous cheap shot that Jeff Feagles took from Jeremiah Trotter? 32 27 Houston Texans (0-1) Fellas, you just can't turn the ball over four times, at home, against the Chargers. Or let 'em drive the field against you at the end. And make Brees look like Joe Montana. Not if you want to get anywhere in our ratings game, you can't.