This is the week of violent mood swings, as the psychiatrists would say. Translation: it's the week in which I severely punish the teams about which I've been wrong almost the whole way, and reward heavily those that came through for me. Such as Kansas City, one of my upset specials, the team I felt strongest about last weekend ... I mean I just knew in my heart that they'd beat Baltimore.

"And what would your heart have told you if Kevin Johnson had caught that bomb at the end and run it in?" asks the Flaming Redhead. Then I would have just known in my heart that KC would lose.

So it's a wildly fluctuating board this weekend. But tell me honestly, would you really prefer one of those computerized things, which counts junk such as point differential? Would you prefer an electronic monster to your own live monster? Speaking of monstrosities, here come the you-know-whats:

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 1 New England Patriots (3-0) Tomorrow's column will be an in-depth look at the brainwork behind this rollicking band of fun-lovers, so I'm not gonna scoop myself and give it away now. This is what is known as a "tease." 2 2 Philadelphia Eagles (4-0) They've run up four straight double-digit wins, but they're uneasy because the last one, over wounded Chicago, wasn't as easy as it should have been. Cheer up, Iggle fans, professional counseling during their bye week will have 'em all straightened out by Oct.17. 3 3 Seattle Seahawks (3-0) Grant Wistrom might be the best free-agent pickup for any team this year. In addition to ranking as one of the three best DEs I've charted so far (Patrick Kearney and Greg Ellis being the other two), his nonstop motor has the whole defense motorized. 4 4 Indianapolis Colts (3-1) Just noticed that my top four have remained in place for three weeks now, an almost unheard of situation in the old rankings game. If they'd show me some defense, the Colts might rise a notch, but in two weeks New England plays Seattle, so that might clear a spot. 5 6 New York Jets (3-0) Laurel wreaths are hanging from their heads and shoulders. In the old days, when I was a beat man, covering the Jets, and Weeb Ewbank was the coach, he'd sense a mood such as this, especially the growth in hat sizes, and he'd take me aside and say, "Write something bad." And then he'd give me some inside tips on people who were screwing up. So I'd do a rip, and the locker room would be aflame ... "Why that fat punk ... what the hell's the matter with him, anyway?" It got 'em juiced, angry. That was my payback to Weeb for giving me almost complete access to any information I needed. And in Oakland, Al Davis would sneer about how Weeb "had the New York press in his hip pocket." Well, not exactly. I mean I'd do a legitimate rip, when I saw something wrong, but Weeb sure knew how to play the old psychological game. 6 7 Atlanta Falcons (4-0) Michael Vick faked a bootleg against Carolina. Brandon Short, the linebacker, tracked him and hit him, as he was coached to do. How many times had Vick successfully jocked people by hiding the ball and taking off? Oooh, big thunder this time. Down came the flags. Vick head-butted a surprised Short, in retaliation. So he drew a flag, too. There was much milling and shoving, possibly a fight in the offing. Ejections, maybe? Would Bernie Kukar, the ref, have the, uh, the guts to eject Short and, gasp, Vick? No, no, of course not. There were network ratings to think of. Off-setting penalties, or, as Kukar announced in his Minnesota accent, "Off-setting folls." And as he was announcing his folls, uh, fouls, you could hear, faintly coming over the official's mike, the voice of Panther defensive end Al Wallace, "He's got pads, too." Are defenses around the league starting to feel that the officials are wrapping their league's "most exciting" quarterback in cellophane? You bet they are. 7 5 Jacksonville Jaguars (3-1) Here's the dilemma. Byron Leftwich is most comfortable working from the shotgun. The running game doesn't operate well from the gun. And the running game is in a bit of trouble anyway because LT Mike Pearson is lost with a knee injury. His replacement, Ephraim Salaam, has two bad knees. When the Jags tried to run the ball in the fourth quarter against Indy, after Pearson went down, they were stopped three times on short-yardage plays. 8 11 Denver Broncos (3-1) Buc fans showered their returning hero, John Lynch, with cheers. He repaid them by neglecting to tackle WR Michael Clayton, who had risen like Lazarus after coming to earth on a reception, thereby handing Tampa Bay its only touchdown. Note to Buc fans -- cheering, not booing, the enemy is the way to win favors for your team. 9 9 Minnesota Vikings (2-1) Unless their defense improved during the bye week, Houston's energetic pass-catch show will give them major problems Sunday. 10 10 Dallas Cowboys (2-1) Another team barely holding onto its position during a bye week. Is this team that I so cynically picked, in the preseason, to finish 6-10, due to the gradual erosion of its ancient quarterback, really going to set me up as the country's prime jackass handicapper? 11 14 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) Duce Staley works his ass off, bringing them down to the shadow of the goal line, then Jerome Bettis gets to bang it in. Perfect blueprint for a mutiny. Duce is handling it good naturedly, though, and I like his culinary analogy: "He's going to eat like a fat rat," he said. 12 17 New York Giants (3-1) Random thoughts. What's with Ron Dayne? His 2.7-yard rushing average is an embarrassment, yet he started against the Packers, and when they got down to the six-yard line, early in the game, he carried twice. Last year he was inactive for all 16 contests, yet he remained on the roster, a constant reminder of how wrong you can be on a first-round draft choice. I mean does he have something on somebody in management? On the brighter side, there's a rookie safetyman named Gibril Wilson who stepped in when Shaun Williams was hurt. A wild, ball-hawking, free-spirited hitter. A bit raw, maybe, but he looks like he really loves to play the game. 13 22 St. Louis Rams (2-2) "Why didn't you run the ball?" they asked Mike Martz after the Saints game. "Our offense is fast and furious," he said. "Get used to it." So just as I was getting used to it, he comes out slow and furious against the 49ers. Thirty six runs, 25 passes. C'mon Mike, admit it. It was a spite play, an "I'll show 'em" against all those smart-assed writers telling you how to run your offense. I want to hear you admit it. 14 13 Carolina Panthers (1-2) Gosh, I don't know. They looked like a team that was undermanned against the Falcons Sunday. I like their rookie receiver, Keary Colbert, though. Wish they could figure out more ways to spring him loose. 15 25 Houston Texans (2-2) Way too high, I know. Two teams that beat them are ranked lower. It's just that I think I'm catching them on the rise, with QB David Carr and both his receivers, Andre Johnson and Jabar Gaffney, on the verge of elite status. But, of course, and this is the beauty of doing these weekly rankings, if I'm proven wrong, then I'll just drop 'em way down again and let them work their way back. It's lonely up here in Command HQ. 16 16 Oakland Raiders (2-2) When I was a serious handicapper for the New York Post, and by serious I mean that I worked against the spread, one of the proven formulae was to always go against the Raiders on a road trip against a non-division team. Thus we have the Raiders 0-2 in such games this year (Pittsburgh and Houston last Sunday), and 0-5 last season. And, get this, only one of those five teams had a winning record. Now if someone out there accumulates great riches based on this information, he or she can please send me a single bottle of the one wine I've most wanted to taste in my lifetime, a 1921 Chateau d'Yquem. 17 23 Cleveland Browns (2-2) For weeks and weeks I've been reading about the status of running back Lee Suggs, and I've asked, what's he ever done except gotten hurt? Well, against the Redskins Sunday I found out. His 82 yards seemed to have ignited something, and even Jeff Garcia looked good for a change. 18 19 Detroit Lions (2-1) They are entering a very heavy portion of their schedule -- at Atlanta, Green Bay at home, then roadies against the Giants and Cowboys. If they go, say, 2-2 in this stretch, then you'd have to say that the playoffs could be more than a pipe dream. Except that there's no real let-up after that. The schedule remains brutal. 19 18 Green Bay Packers (1-3) Brett Favre is OK now, but you've got to be worried about their defense. The 245 yards rushing they gave up against the Giants was the most since a Detroit game 21 years ago (183 yards for Billy Sims that day). What kind of runners do they have coming up? Let's see ... Tennessee's Chris Brown, followed by, uh, somebody on the Lions (Jones, Bryson, who knows?), followed by Duane Thomas and Calvin Hill on the Cowboys ... ha ha, make that Eddie George and others on the Cowboys. Hmmm, could be worse. 20 30 Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) A 10-spot hike from No. 30. Thank you for Monday night, KC. But, and it's a big one, what a horrible, motley crew of special-teamers, especially their coverage units. These people almost cost them the game. Now that zombie movies are coming back into vogue, Central Casting really ought to take a look at some of these guys. 21 12 Baltimore Ravens (2-2) Yeah, they were punished severely, maybe more than they deserve, but here's the thing. ESPN's pregame was heavily into Ray Lewis. "Is he the greatest of all time?" Mike Ditka was asked in all seriousness. And then, of course, Lewis was miked for sound, because no defensive player in the league is as noisy as he is. He should have been miked for making a tackle, because he didn't accomplish many of them, I don't care what the hometown stats crew figures showed. KC fullback Tony Richardson owned him. Even John Madden took a shot, after Lewis claimed he's double-teamed on every play. "Well, they single-blocked him on that play," John said. And lots more times, too. 22 24 San Diego Chargers (2-2) Quarterback placements are closely watched here. Philip Rivers moves up the ladder from No. 3 to No. 2 and it inspires the No. 1, Drew Brees, to have a magnificent game against the Titans. Can they keep this thing going through the course of the season, as a steady motivational tool, or would people catch on after a while? 23 8 Tennessee Titans (1-3) They have broken my heart, and the revenge is a 15-spot drop, one of the most drastic elevator jobs since I've been doing this nonsense, uh, this service to my readers. They beat poor, under-nourished Miami, which fooled me into believing they were what they are not. Their once proud rushing defense gave up 195 yards to the Chargers. I am ashamed and so are most of the people in my neighborhood here in Jersey. 24 29 Arizona Cardinals (1-3) Tell me, please, who haven't they given a good fight to, um, to whom haven't they given a good fight? Maybe it's their new OL that's provided their running game with such zip, but they hit the Saints for 211 yards on the ground. And despite Emmitt Smith's strong showing, an out-of-shape Troy Hambrick piled up 79 of them. 25 15 New Orleans Saints (2-2) Hmmm, just talking about you. You feel embarrassed, being ranked below Arizona? That's tough. Beat somebody. Stop somebody. 26 21 Washington Redskins (1-3) Everybody's hollering because they shorted themselves on timeouts two straight weeks. Well, the Chiefs used up their first-half timeouts in the first quarter Monday night, and because they won the game, it becomes a mere footnote. I guess I'm resenting all that snide talk about how the game has passed Joe Gibbs by. They weren't saying it after he beat the Bucs, and that talk will die if they win a couple more contests. 27 20 Chicago Bears (1-3) Did you know that Thomas Jones came into Philly as the NFC's leading runner? You didn't? And what's more you don't care? This team badly needs its bye. And so do I. 28 26 Cincinnati Bengals (1-3) Another bye baby. Now all the talk is whether or not they should replace Carson Palmer with Jon Kitna. And the answer I hear most frequently is, "You go with Kitna if you want to go 8-8. You go with Palmer if you eventually want to get to the Super Bowl." The Super Bowl? Boy, is this term ever used loosely and frivolously. There's just so much that goes into building a Super Bowl team. Some organizations will never smell it in our lifetime (well, mine anyway, since I'm older than any of you). 29 27 Buffalo Bills (0-3) They went after the Patriots with real passion, on both sides of the ball. There was a point in the game when I thought they'd win it. But, and I've been a defender of Drew Bledsoe when other people took heavy shots, he's at the stage of his career in which he simply must have good protection for him to function. And he ain't got it. The worst thing, though, is that he'll get his receivers hurt because he puts them in awkward positions, reaching for throws that are just off the mark. If I were Mike Mularkey I'd max-protect almost the whole way, send out minimal receivers and polish the running game. 30 28 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) They signed a bunch of free agents older than 30, and now they're the oldest team in the league. But wait, the secret of Ponce De Leon is surfacing, at least on the offensive side. By replacing Tim Brown (38) with Michael Clayton (21) and Charlie Garner (32) with Michael Pittman (29), against Denver, and following it up with RT Kenyatta Walker (23) for Todd Steussie (33) and TE Will Heller (23) for Ken Dilger (33), they chopped 40 years off the lineup. And that youthful bunch produced the only TD of the game. Next move, of course, would be Chris Simms (23) for Brad Johnson (36). But whoever suggested replacing coach Gruden (41) with Jon Gruden II (10) is just being silly, and he knows it. 31 32 Miami Dolphins (0-4) How heroic is their defense? Well, it reminds me of the 1998 Chargers' unit, which finished No. 1 the league while Ryan Leaf and the boys were leading the club to a 5-11 record. Three out of the Dolphins' four opponents recorded their lowest yardage total of the season against the Miami defense. Tennessee gained 243 yards (compared to a 333-yard average versus other teams), Cincinnati gained 210 (compared to 347) and the Jets gained 235 (compared to 409). Only Pittsburgh, during the tail end of a hurricane, avoided that statistic. 32 31 San Francisco 49ers (0-4) How wrong can you be? I thought the new stadium name certainly would inspire them. Monster Cable Products, shortened to Monster Stadium. It beat out such worthy contenders as Oracle, Virgin USA, Wells Fargo, Macromedia and Organic, Inc. See, if I were doing it, I'd have signed up two subscribers and doubled my revenue and at the same time produced a really catchy name, such as Monster Virgin or Organic Monster. Then they could have filled it with air and floated it over Tokyo, to scare the schoolchildren just recovering from Godzilla.