The Olympics need to be spruced up. This year's Games start in three months, and so far all anyone can talk about is whether the stadium roof will be built in time or if athletes will feel secure enough to show up in Athens. The Games need a makeover, and fast.

The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew needs to give Olympic performers a makeover. AP

Fortunately, the Fab Five is on the job. Yes, the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy quintet who made their bones by showing slovenly straight men the importance of "tszujing" and fine wine are being turned loose on the five-ring circus that is the Olympics.

Actually, that plan hasn't been divulged publicly, but it should be if NBC follows Monday's announcement of its broadcasting schedule to its logical conclusion. The network will divide its approximately 7,200 hours of coverage between the stations it owns, including Bravo. That's the cable channel, of course, that seems to air solely Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, West Wing repeats and that bearded, pompous guy from the Inside the Actors Studio, who it turns out is an actual person and not just Will Ferrell in makeup.

NBC said it will ship sports that match "Bravo's upscale audience" to the cable outlet. The network suits seem to think those events are the ones practiced primarily by rich people and/or watched by those who don't like actual sports. Thus Bravo will land yachting, equestrian, tennis, badminton and everyone's favorite, synchronized swimming.

This is where the Queer Eye guys could help. Take synchronized swimming first, since it needs the most aid. The Olympic Web site says that the sport "consists of special elements" such as "long underwater endurance."

"Long underwater endurance," simply put, is the ability to hold your breath for a long time. Holding your breath is a parlor trick for 8-year-olds, not the basis of a sport. It's something you try to convince your younger brother to do to break the "world record," until he gets old enough to realize you're just messing with him.

But long underwater endurance is on the Olympic schedule, so we have to make do. At least the IOC got rid of solo synchronized swimming, which was actually an event in three Olympiads.

Think about that for a second. Solo synchronized swimming.

Maybe there's another definition of synchronized of which we aren't aware, but doesn't it take two to synchronize? How would one score this event?

Must the judges picture an imaginary friend for each contestant? Does the swimmer mark herself on the honor system? ("Yes, you're right, when I was snapping my fingers there, I was supposed to be doing one of those backyard pool handstands. I cannot tell a lie.")

Now it's down to pairs and team events, with eight swimmers each. At least the the team evens have a proud cinematic history, from Esther Williams to Caddyshack (before the Baby Ruth was dropped into the pool, that is.)

The Fab Five can certainly do something with that nose clip swimmers wear. If it can't be eliminated (and the Olympic site says, with due seriousness, that it's essential to prevent an "intake of water through the nostrils"), maybe it can be replaced with a tasteful jeweled stud. Kind of like the one Christina Aguilera used to wear.

Then there's what the official site calls "the use of hair gelatine and make-up [to help] hair stay in place and highlight the athletes' features, respectively." Clearly, straight guys aren't the only ones who need some help with grooming.

Wouldn't it be better to let the hair flow free and cascade out of the water, like Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? And who gets made-up like Tammy Faye Baker to take a dip? Maybe a little foundation and a touch of blush for the cheeks, but let's not go crazy, ladies.

Equestrian is another sport in need of a makeover. The horse crowed has gone about as far as it can go with tight black pants and a red blazer. That look went out of fashion when the colonists beat the heavily favored redcoats in the Revolutionary War.

Maybe a sharp, three-button Italian blazer is the answer (remember, never fasten that bottom button). And what's wrong with a nice pair of jeans? The cowboy look is classic.

I must admit I've never seen a yacht race, not even in the Yngling class, which is an actual event and not just the name of a beer misspelled by a drunk guy. But if they're still sticking with the George Steinbrenner blue-blazer-over-white-turtleneck look, exemplified by Danny Noonan, the Fab Five have lots of work to do.

Tennis already prizes itself as a fashion-forward sport, though here a little Queer Eye restraint is called for. Rather than Serena Williams' catsuit, why not a return to the classic lines of the all-white unitard that Anne White modeled at Wimbledon in 1985? After all, the competition will wrap up before Labor Day.

Badminton, meanwhile, needs to return to its summertime, backyard roots. Perhaps some classic Gap khaki shorts and a tasteful madras top, perfect for the postmatch barbecue.

Of course, if Bravo airs these or any other sports during the day this summer, watching will be far preferable to doing actual work. Why do you think curling (a.k.a. shuffleboard on ice) was such a big TV hit in Salt Lake City?

At least NBC is being pro-active. Now it's time to stand back and let the Fab Five go to work. And don't chintz on the tszujing.