The good, the bad and Simms
CBS broadcast teaches about nudity, football and male dysfunction
Updated: Monday February 2, 2004 3:05AM
Things I learned while watching CBS' broadcast of Super Bowl XXXVIII on Sunday:
That Jim Nantz is considerably smarter than our nation's president. This I learned while watching Nantz's interview with George W. Bush about an hour before kickoff in which Bush stumbled through nearly every answer.
I was waiting for Nantz to ask him, "George, the Panthers' defense is pretty good. Which weapons of mass destruction in the Patriots' offense do you figure will mysteriously disappear?"
That in the world of advertising dollars, male dysfunction suddenly has eclipsed collect calls, and it's sneaking up on overnight delivery.
That I've been speaking the English language incorrectly all these years. I learned this from listening to Phil Simms, who, as the top color analyst for a national network, surely knows how to speak better than I.
"There's a reason why this Carolina Panthers team is in the Super Bowl," he said after linebacker Will Witherspoon stuffed Troy Brown on a reverse in the first quarter. "They've got a lot of guys like Will Witherspoon that nobody knows nothing about."
That HDTV stands for, "Hot Damn, That's Vivid."
That Chevy, which ran an ad for the Aveo, has decided its new target audience is people under 5-foot-2.
That Bonnie Bernstein is always the best part of any CBS broadcast.
That Levitra not only helps men with the aforementioned dysfunction problem, but it also helps them throw a ball through a tire.
That, "you know it's an ugly football game, so you just deal with the situation what it is," said Simms.
That three touchdowns and a field goal in the last three minutes of a half can really wreak havoc on your nap schedule.
That Janet Jackson hasn't gotten that much exposure since 1989.
That TV networks refuse to give streakers their desired 15 minutes of fame. CBS cut away to halftime statistics when one made it to midfield right before the second half.
Let's make sure we have this straight. Swimming in garbage and eating pig uterus on Fear Factor: quality television. A naked bum: offensive.
That any meeting among ad execs inevitably includes someone saying at some point, "you can't go wrong with a monkey."
That, according to a commercial for another prescription drug called Cialis, "erections lasting longer than four hours require immediate medical help."
Next week on ER ...
That Julius Peppers is "a star waiting to happen." This from our friend Mr. Simms.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's like saying LeBron James is "going to be a good player."
That five fourth-quarter touchdowns can really wreak havoc on your plan to go to sleep early.
That even with the score tied 29-29 in the final minute, a Super Bowl crowd was about as loud as a Dennis Kucinich campaign rally.
That Adam Vinatieri is undoubtedly the luckiest man in America
(Besides Justin Timberlake).
That when the nation's football pundits spend two weeks falling all over themselves about the teams' defenses, they will undoubtedly combine for 61 points and almost 900 yards.
That if you looked up the word "hyperbole" in the dictionary, you'd see Nantz's smiling mug right next to it.
That, while the Patriots and Panthers exceeded all expectations, Simms, considering his performance on the night, apparently shares his son's penchant for choking in the big game in Texas.
Stewart Mandel covers college sports for SI.com.