Posted: Friday May 20, 2005 2:41PM; Updated: Friday May 20, 2005 3:11PM
By Bill Syken, SI.com
Larry David should know that downing 11 hamburgers is no big deal for Nate Newton.
Funny thing happened the other day. I was eating at the burger place at the Parker Meridien hotel, and former offensive lineman Nate Newton and Larry David from HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm sat down next to me.
LARRY DAVID: What is this supposed to be? NATE NEWTON: Lunch.
DAVID: I'm just supposed to sit here and act like this is normal? You have 11 hamburgers. NEWTON: So?
DAVID: So? It bothers me. Sitting within a 10-foot radius of this kind of gluttony bothers me. And what I am supposed to do when I'm finished. I'm just eating one burger like a normal person. I'll be done with mine, you'll have 10 to go. You're not supposed to make someone watch you eat. Didn't your mother ever teach you that? NEWTON: Don't talk about my mother.
DAVID: Fine, I won't talk about your mother.
DAVID: But what did I say? I can't even use the word mother? I'm sure your mother is a wonderful woman, but I can't even mention she exists? I hear people talking about the Virgin Mary all the time. But all of a sudden your mother's off limits? She must be one special lady. NEWTON: You should eat. If your mouth was full, you wouldn't talk so much.
DAVID: If you didn't order 11 hamburgers, I wouldn't be saying a word, believe me. I'd be sitting here eating. But am I supposed to say nothing while this is going on in front of me? NEWTON: Right.
DAVID: You've got the munchies, don't you? NEWTON: No.
DAVID: Big mistake, Nate. Didn't you see Scarface? You know. "Don't get high on your own supply." You know what other line from that I like? "First you get the money, then you get the power ..." NEWTON: I don't have the munchies. I'm done with all that. When I was in prison, I made a deal with God: if he'd protect me, I'd make everything right when I was out.
DAVID: You needed protection in prison? You're a 330-pound former pro athlete. What do you need protection from?
(NEWTON continues eating)
DAVID: Oh, my god. If there's a man alive capable of violating you that way, he belongs behind bars. Even if he's innocent. Even if he's never committed a crime in his life. Lock him up. I couldn't sleep knowing there was a man like that freely roaming the earth. NEWTON: It wasn't like that...
DAVID: I tell you, if I was in prison, I'd be making deals with God. I'd make a deal with anybody. I wouldn't leave my cell with bribe money. I'd have underwear made from my Seinfeld residual checks. My last line of defense. NEWTON: Wouldn't that make people just go after your underwear?
DAVID: Ah, you're right, you're right. I couldn't win.
(DAVID waves his hand is disgust)
DAVID: What were you doing with 213 pounds of pot anyway? And then after you're caught and you're out on bond, you get caught again with 175 pounds. What were you going to do -- kick back with the director's cut of Donnie Darko? NEWTON: It's like I told a Dallas radio station the other day. I'm a competitive guy. When I get into something, I do it big. That's why I was made six Pro Bowls when I was with the Dallas Cowboys. That's why I had so much dope in my truck. If I was going to be a dope man, I had to be the biggest. But like I said, I made a deal with God, and he kept his bargain, so I'm out of all that now. I'm going to be living right.
DAVID: So this is what the 11 burgers is about? Now you've got the be the biggest burger eater in the world? I've got an idea for you, Nate. How about you be competitive at something that's healthy. Do you know what those burgers are going to do to your arteries? Are you going to be competitive in your quest for the biggest coronary?
(NEWTON continues eating)
DAVID: You know what you should get competitive about. Anti-oxidants. Clean some of the fat off those arteries. Some carrots, some green vegetables. You know what has a lot of anti-oxidants? Dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate.
(NEWTON stands up.)
DAVID: What happened? How did you eat 11 burgers already? I haven't even finished my one burger. NEWTON: Like I said, you should talk a little less. (Newton walks away)
DAVID: (To me). Can you believe this guy. Hey, this mustard is spicy, isn't it? What do you think they put in it...