Joe Paterno Robert Caplin

By L. Steve Swart and John Walters

(Fade in. A dimly lit room, game film flickering on the wall. Outside, snow falls gently as Joe Paterno, Penn State's 78-year-old football coach, stands behind a projector, massaging his temples and rubbing his eyes.)

JOEPA (mumbling to self): Bowden three forty-five, me three forty. Bowden three forty-five, me three for --

(Knock on the door; an assistant coach enters.)

ASSISTANT: Coach, sorry to interr --

JOEPA: Six to four?! We lost to Iowa 6-4?

ASSISTANT: Um, yes, sir. It was Homecoming. Coach, there's a phone
call for --

JOEPA: What's wrong with our offense?

ASSISTANT: Well, Coach --

JOEPA: At least our D forced two safeties.

ASSISTANT: Actually, one was a bad snap on a punt and the other was intentional on their part.

JOEPA: Hmm. Thanks, son. What do you do here?

ASSISTANT: I'm the quarterbacks coach, sir.

JOEPA: Well, nice to meet you ...

ASSISTANT: Jay, sir.

JOEPA: Jay ...

ASSISTANT: Paterno, sir. Jay Paterno. About that phone call --

JOEPA: Sure, I'll take it. Have them blow me up on the celly.

ASSISTANT: Sir?

JOEPA: I'm just messin' with you, son. I'm not going senile. I don't have Old-timer's.

ASSISTANT: You mean "Alzheimer's"?

JOEPA: Put the call through.

(A minute passes; Kanye West's Jesus Walks plays on JoePa's ring tone.)

JOEPA: Yo, 'sup?

DERRICK WILLIAMS: Coach? Coach Paterno?

JOEPA: D-Dub! Mr. Number 1 recruit in the nation, what can I do for you?

WILLIAMS: Coach, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to sign with Penn State.

JOEPA: D, that is tight! We can't wait to -- hold on, got another call. (Answers call.) Yo?

JUSTIN KING: J.P.?

JOEPA: Jus-tinnnnn! 'Sup?

KING: J.P., get happy, 'cause I'm comin' to the Valley!

JOEPA: That's hot. I got D on the other line. He's coming too. We're gonna house the Big Ten next fall.

KING: I'm feelin' ya, J.P.!

(Montage from the 2005 football season. Behind King and Williams the Nittany Lions beat Ohio State, Michigan, Purdue and Wisconsin to sweep through the regular season undefeated and finish No. 2 in the BCS rankings, setting up a matchup with No. 1 USC in the Rose Bowl for the national title. Cut to the set of College GameDay, where host Chris Fowler is interviewing JoePa two days before the game.)

FOWLER: Coach, Penn State had four losing seasons in five years entering this season. You finished two-and-six in the Big Ten a year ago. People said you were past your prime. How do you explain the turnaround?

JOEPA: Chris, we just recruited smarter. Last year I saw that the Trojans let Snoop Dogg practice with them for a day. We knew it wasn't going to be easy to compete with that. So I called up Xzibit and basically said, "Yo, pimp my program." We hired The Game as our recruiting coordinator -- and he's from South Central. We got Fifty as our linebackers coach. Eminem gives our pregame talks. The players love it. And the rappers, well, they get free jerseys. It's all fly, Chris.

(Cut to the Rose Bowl. The scoreboard shows usc 20, penn state 18 with 10 seconds remaining. Flash to the huddle.)

MICHAEL ROBINSON: Derrick, Justin. You boys ready to take this in?

KING: No place else for it to go.

WILLIAMS: Let's put the swine in the hizzy.

ROBINSON: Alright, see you in the end zone.

(Cut to the line of scrimmage. Robinson takes the snap and turns left on a bootleg before cutting it back to the right side amid diving tacklers. As he's hit, he heaves it down the sideline into the waiting arms of Williams. Suddenly, a USC defensive back slams Williams, who just manages to pitch it to King as he's falling down. Spinning around the defender, King waltzes the final 20 yards into the end zone for the winning score. As teammates engulf King and Williams, two linemen hoist JoePa onto their shoulders. The old coach smiles.)

JOEPA: I'm getting too old for this.

Issue date: February 24, 2005