Subscribe to SI
Give the Gift of SI
Extra MustardSI On CampusFantasyPhoto GalleriesSwimsuitVideoFanNationSI KidsTNT

Sports resolutions

How Bonds, Shaq, Kobe and the Yankees can better serve fans in 2005

Posted: Monday January 3, 2005 1:21PM; Updated: Monday January 3, 2005 3:54PM
FREE EMAIL ALERTS     EMAIL THIS     PRINT THIS     SAVE THIS     MOST POPULAR
Untitled Untitled
Scorecard Daily
• Pete McEntegart: The 10 Spot -- Mon., Jan. 3
• Orange Bowl scene: Speaking out of context
• Truth & Rumors: Shawn Green to Diamondbacks?
• Phil Taylor: The crystal ball for 2005 says ...
• Chris Ballard: Sports resolutions for this year
• Lang Whitaker: Seattle RB comes up a yard short
• More Blogs: Bradley | Markazi | McAllister | Bechtel
Click here for Today's Sign of the Apocalypse, Game to Watch, Leading Off gallery and much more!

t's the time of the year to turn inward, reflect upon how we screwed up during the previous 12 months and then resolve to do things better in the coming ones. So I thought about ways we here at SI.com could resolve to serve you, the reader, better in 2005. You know -- fewer banner ads, stronger opinions in our columns, more gratuitous photos of attractive women only marginally related to sports, maybe a live feed 24 hours a day from Peter King's laptop (we'll call it the "Monday Morning, Afternoon and Early Evening Quarterback").

But, after a bit of thought I realized that making resolutions is much easier if you do it for other people.

Herewith, some 2005 sports resolutions:

  • Lance Armstrong resolves to lose the Tour de France, already. It's time to give someone else a chance and, let's face it, his story isn't going to get any more inspirational with another victory. What would be inspirational is to learn that Lance is actually, you know, human. It was enough for him to beat cancer and win the Tour de France; doing it again and again only rubs in the fact that Lance is not only genetically superior to the rest of us, but far more dedicated, a better person, etc. I'd like to read a story next January about how Lance took the year off to "find himself," then ended up spending most of his nights playing Xbox, eating pizza and drunk-dialing Sheryl Crow at 4 a.m. Now that would be some inspirational stuff.

  • Shaquille O'Neal resolves to continue his sniping with Kobe Bryant -- and vice versa. Sure, it's pure soap opera but think of an NBA where Shaq and Kobe liked each other ... or -- even worse -- didn't really care one way or the other. The only reason many people paid any attention to the league prior to Christmas (other than that brouhaha in Detroit) was to follow the saga of Wall and Corvette. It's so wonderfully plotted, it's a shame the Lakers aren't good enough to make it to the Finals for a showdown. Either way, here's to hoping that the two find every reason to continue being pissed at each other (anybody care to fuel the fire by starting an unsubstantiated rumor?).

  • Barry Bonds resolves to start a late-night talk show called "Hey Everyone ... It's Barry!" A mix of comedy, interviews and music, the show could feature Bonds beginning each episode with a snappy, self-deprecating monologue ("I said success wouldn't make me get a big head and it didn't -- that was the steroids! But seriously folks ... ), gyrations from the Clean and Clear Dancers and skits with Barry's goofy sidekick, "Budster," a hand puppet with glasses and a bowl cut. The fans couldn't help but come around and start loving Bonds.

  • Clyde Frazier resolves to put away the dictionary and the thesaurus and not touch them until 2006, not even if he really wants to. Clyde: loved you as a player, but your color commentary makes it very hard to watch a Knicks game on MSG with the sound on. Certain words -- adroit, fastidious, concurrent -- just weren't meant to be used to describe Kurt Thomas (and, even worse, used incorrectly to describe Kurt Thomas).

  • Blazers forward Zach Randolph resolves to pass the ball. At least once.

  • Broncos wide receiver Ashley Lelie resolves to do that surf touchdown dance again, because we need more goofiness in sports. (Turn on ESPN News right now, if Sunday's NFL highlights are still looping, to see what I'm talking about.)

  • ESPN resolves not to make any more Made-for-TV movies unless all involved promise to restrict advertisements for said TV movies to one (1) airing per sporting event. And a hairpiece consultant is brought in for purposes of follicular credibility (see Sizemore, Tom).

  • The NBA resolves to contract. First up: the Hawks and the Hornets. Next up: Bill Walton.

  • Going against George Steinbrenner's wishes, every player on the Yankees resolves to grow a mullet in honor of Randy Johnson. I'm thinking that Derek Jeter in particular would look mullet-tastic. Come to think of it, Big George himself would look pretty smooth with a little of the BIFPIB look (that being, of course Business in Front and Party in the Back).

    • In other news ...

    MAILBAG
    Have a question or opinion for Chris? He might answer or address it in his next blog.
    Your name:
    Your e-mail address:
    Your home town:
    Enter your question:

    On the topic of New Year's (and the most popular activity the night before), check out this link to go deep into the mind of the unabashed alcoholic: Makes one wonder what it means to be an Old-Fashioned Drunkard.

    Sick Dunk of December award goes to Oregon freshman Malik Hairston. To check it out, click here. Thanks to Mike M. of Portland for sending this in.

    Owen and the Wolfpack

    And now, the first important sports thought of the year from my friend Owen:

    "If you want an IST, right now it's Owen turns on his alma mater. N.C. State shoots 20 freaking percent, including two of 24 3-pointers in that useless crutch of a Princeton offense and loses to St. John's, whose decimation as a program is rivaled only by what we suffered after Valvano. Why the Wolfpack basketball team was even ranked in the first place is beyond me.

    "If you look at the last two calendar years and weigh the chalk, the talk and the rankings for State's football and basketball teams -- versus eight huge, significant games where we just gave the other team the victory (plus Clemson in basketball last season and football this year, for laughs) -- the result is obvious. Those who refuse to accept it are delusional or suckers. N.C. State is the fraud of major college athletics right now.

    "(For those who want to challenge me, these are the losses (any one of which is pure agony to a true State fan): Duke, ACC tournament final, 2003; Cal, NCAA tournament first round, 2003; Ohio State, football, 2003; Florida State, football, 2003; Maryland, ACC tournament semifinal, 2004; Vanderbilt, NCAA tournament second round, 2004; Ohio State, football, 2004; North Carolina, football, 2004.)"

    May all of you have more cowbell in your lives in '05. Until next week ...

    Search