Retief Goosen stole the show in the first few rounds of the U.S. Open. Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Are typical newspaper and magazine articles too flowery and long-winded for you? You're still not allowed to turn on the television because of your court-ordered Golf Channel-cessation program?

Well, have we got a column for you. No need for any other Pinehurst post-mortems. Here, distilled into 10 memorable scenes, is your complete recap of the 2005 U.S. Open.

10. Convex, domed, turtle-backed -- however described, Donald Ross' greens on venerable Pinehurst No. 2 were the focus of attention as the players arrived. On Monday afternoon, two-time Tour-winner J.L. Lewis left the big bag in the car, and went out for a practice round carrying only his putter and three wedges. "I've got all I need to get ready for this place," he says. He smiled when the words come out of his mouth, but he was dead serious.

9. A certain apprehension gripped the players on the eve of the championship. Mostly, it was borne of last year's debacle at Shinnecock, where the USGA lost control of the course and burned out at least two greens, nearly ruining the 2004 U.S. Open. Would the same thing happen at Pinehurst? "There's still a lot of grass on the greens," cracked Vijay Singh, walking off the 18th green Wednesday evening. "But I don't think it's going to stay that way for long."

8. Oh, a few human beings -- as opposed to the golf course -- drew some early week attention, too. Only one player comes into the U.S. Open eligible to win the Grand Slam, and this year it was Tiger Woods. But strangely, another golfer had already passed his majors total for the year. A week earlier Annika Sorenstam, Woods' Orlando neighbor and practice buddy, won the McDonald's LPGA Championship, her second major of 2005. It was her ninth major victory, bringing her even with Woods, also a nine-timer. In his Tuesday press conference, Woods revealed the first thing Sorenstam did after winning the previous week was to send him a simple text message. "It was just '9-9' -- that's it," he said.

7. At another Tuesday press conference, defending U.S. Open champ Retief Goosen, provided the greatest demonstration yet that he's golf's answer to Rodney Dangerfield. Coming into the interview area on the heels of Sergio Garcia, No Respect Retief cleared the room, standing and watching as reporters got up and leave. Only a half-dozen or so stayed behind to hear him speak. It's perhaps no accident that Goosen, after finishing his first round tied for third with an opening-round score of 68 (-2), declined to meet the press.

6. By Friday afternoon it was clear Vijay Singh was hitting the ball better than anyone else in the field -- he'd hit 30 greens in regulation, four more than the runners-up in that category: Goosen and Woods. Still, the flatstick gives Singh fits. Hole after hole he hits it close, only to miss a 5- or 7-footer for birdie. After his round, he headed straight to the practice green and staked out an area around a miniature hole, one with a cup considerably smaller (3-inch diameter) than regulation size (4 1/4-inch diameter). Using a two-railed putting track he began ramming five-footers into the hole with barely enough time between putts for his caddie to extract the previous ball. After watching him make 35 in a row a loitering reporter cracked, "You can't be that mad at yourself."

"I'm just a little frustrated," Singh replies.

That little hole help?

"The holes out there [on the golf course] can never look big enough," he sighs.