Colts need to pick up the energy to stay on top

A partial reader ... well at least he looks at the pictures ... asks the following: "Why do you always have some lame stuff before you get to the rankings? Who needs it? Just tell us how you rated the teams and let us get on with our lives, OK?"

Sir, and in honor of your wishes, I will not disclose your name, I will tell you how it works. I am ordered to write at least two paragraphs before listing my first team, as an attempt to get people into a mellow kind of mood, and also not to shock their nervous systems when they see some of the abstractions that pass for serious evaluations. Personally, I think it's a good idea, because it's about as hard for me to come up with something coherent as it is for you to read it.

All aboard now? Seat belts fastened? Rest rooms all cleared of illicit paraphernalia? And here we go:

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 1 Indianapolis Colts (6-0) I say this seriously. They'll be at Houston Sunday, and unless they go into the game in a frame of mind different from the one in which they approached the Rams contest, they're going to get beaten. Provided the lowly Texans decide to play hard. Now just imagine if I have called this right? This would be the upset of the century. Bettors from seven continents, including Antarctica, would be toasting me with '45 Lafite. I could write my own ticket. (One way to Parsippany, please). 2 4 Denver Broncos (5-1) Against the Patriots they found the long ball. It was disguised as a salami. 3 10 Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2) I've neglected them long enough. They beat good teams. They belong here. I've wondered for a while about 250-pound Greg Jones, who brings the heavy hammers when he runs. Why, until last Sunday, has he been neglected? Then I saw him try to pick up a blitzing James Harrison. Ole, toro! And squish goes the QB. Oh, comma, I see. 4 2 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) How do I rank thee? Let me count the ways. With or without Big Ben? They're two different teams, of course. 5 5 Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) I've been reading up on sports hernias and you know something? I think I once had a business hernia. 6 3 New England Patriots (3-3) I'm trying to think of how the return of Tedy Bruschi will help the most obvious weakness, the secondary. Duane Starks, the right corner, is what is known as a coach breaker. Gets beaten deep, then enters the backpedal mode, keeping everything in front of him and allows all manner of short to midrange completions. One of the easiest ways to lose is to go with a corner like that. But the poor Pats are down to the jayvees now. I would guess that Tedy's major contribution would be to get heavily involved in the rush scheme, to give enemy QBs a more stressful day. Other suggestions will be welcomed by coach Belichick in Foxboro. 7 7 Dallas Cowboys (4-2) They should have beaten the Giants by 20. Instead they tried to hand the game away, but New York wouldn't take it. I still say their passing attack can be big league, but I don't think they can out score the Seahawks on the Coast. 8 9 San Diego Chargers (3-3) San Diego at Philly is my game of the week because it'll answer so many questions. Is there something structurally wrong with the Eagles defense, or is it still able to calm down a flashy attack? What kind of shape is McNabb in -- really? Will CBS decide to pre-empt the game and switch to something that interests them more, or will they just let us watch the contest in peace? This last one has me terrified, as usual. 9 6 Atlanta Falcons (4-2) Here's why I lowered them three notches after they beat the Saints: Thirty-one first downs, 456 yards, 31 points, and those aren't Atlanta's figures I'm giving you. 10 11 Cincinnati Bengals (5-1) I guess everyone's in a tizzy over their dynamic clash coming up with the Steelers. But if Tommy Maddox returns, then the tizzy won't be so fizzy. I picked Cincy in this one only because it's at home. Lame, I know, but how many times can you read, "Just on a hunch?" 11 12 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-1) I've been treating them unfairly all year. But when I elevated them to the lofty No. 4 spot, and actually kept them there for a week, they lost. See that Buc fans? I'm actually trying to help you. Not that the folks from Tampa Bay actually send in e-mails anyway. 12 13 Carolina Panthers (4-2) Are you happy with the way they beat the Lions? I mean Chris Weinke pulled out a miracle win and all that, but next time he fires one 90 mph at a receiver three feet away, which went as a Ricky Proehl drop in the end zone, please let him give the guy a catcher's mitt. 13 14 Seattle Seahawks (4-2) This is the best team in the NFL, according to the ESPN geniuses, astutely analyzing the Hawks' win over Houston. Something like that makes me want them to lose. But in the magazine, I picked them to beat Dallas. Guess which way I'm rooting? 14 16 Kansas City Chiefs (3-2) I first noticed ex-Idaho State DE Jared Allen last year when they said that his nickname was "The Wild Man of the Mountains," or "The Man of the Wild Mountains," or something like that. Wow, wonder what part of the Idaho wilderness he's from. Turns out he's from Los Gatos, Calif., a pleasant town known for a pedestrian mall and trendy shops. But, man, the guy can rush the passer ... he's kind of an untamed, nonstop thrasher. Broke up the Redskins game with three sacks and a pair of forced fumbles. I give you this information because right now my reading pattern is strongly into biography. 15 8 Washington Redskins (3-2) Joe Gibbs was fined for his critique of officials in the Denver game. This would be like Billy Graham being fined for smoking in a restricted area. 16 15 New York Giants (3-2) Eli Manning had a pretty bad game against the Cowboys, but here's what he showed me. At the end, in crunch time, he could still deliver a nice ball when he had to, and bring his team back, even after he had taken a beating all day. Can you think of another New York QB with the same M.O.? How about the guy who wore the green jersey and No. 12?