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The World According to Carl Everett

	Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Noted paleontologist Carl Everett is back to feed us more of his astounding views on life, this time in a Maxim article that is sure to be a big hit in the John Rocker household. Having successfully disproven the existence of dinosaurs, Jurassic Carl now turns his attention to gays, Wrigley Field and Tiger Woods. Here are some of his latest "findings" straight from the July 2005 issue, which I bought strictly for, uh, work-related purposes:

Wrigley Field needs to be "imploded."

Tiger Woods is not an athlete.

"Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marrages and I don't believe in being gay."

"It's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching."

He may actually be correct with that last statement, at least on the South Side, where fans spend too much time in line for beer to follow the game. Unfortunately, due to space constrictions, Maxim was unable to print all of Everett's musings. Here are some that were left out:

The world is round? Says who? I'll believe it when I go up into outer space and see it.

Clearly, The Phantom Menace was the best of the six Star Wars films. All Jedi had was a bunch of muppets.

Eva Longoria? Not impressed.

-- Jacob Luft (3:30 p.m.)

Carl Everett is a freaking idiot. First of all, he's simply jealous of the fact that his ballpark is filled with criminals. Second, I would take Tiger in a fight over Carl any day of the week. It reminds me of John Kruk's famous quote, "I'm not a athlete, I'm a baseball player." Third, why does anybody care about a moron baseball player's views on homosexuality? Finally, I watch baseball, I know what I'm watching, and I'm sure as hell not watching Everett and the White Sox, who will choke in the second half.
-- Andrew Parsons, Indianapolis (4:01 p.m.)

If John Rocker was punished and all but exiled from baseball for his comments, that Carl Everett should be also. But he won't.
-- Louis Ricciuto, Rochester, N.Y. (4:06 p.m.)

Carl Everett is still playing baseball? I thought he retired in 2000. It's fitting, though, that he'd be featured in Maxim, a magazine that, like Everett, is all surface, no substance.
-- Dvorak, Indiana, Pa. (4:06 p.m.)

My comment is for this clown, Jacob Luft. Your comment about South Side fans spending to much time in line for beer and not knowing baseball -- get your head out of your ass and don't confuse us with the North Siders, 90 percent of whom couldn't name five guys who play for the Cubs. Wrigley needs to be imploded.
-- Brian D., Chicago (4:11 p.m.)

As a Sox fan I had the pleasure (if you want to call it that) of watching this guy for a few seasons and for some reason I enjoyed it. There is no way to explain it but it there is just something about him that sucks you in sort of like gawking at a car wreck as you drive past.
-- Justin Noone, Albany, N.Y. (4:11 p.m.)

Obviously, Carl is a fan of the movie Clerks ... Randall and Dante would be proud.
-- Rob S., Regina, SK, Canada (4:11 p.m.)

The guy is a jerk and has no business getting headlines. All his comments show are his naivety and prejudices. This is a perfect example of an overpaid spoiled-brat athelete.
-- Greg, New York City (4:16 p.m.)

Seeing what an upstanding, non-judgmental citizen he is, I am shocked that Mr. Everett hasn't been able to stay with one team for more than three years, and has bounced between seven since 1993. He also seems to know a lot about baseball himself, and has a great appreciation for its history. Everett for comissioner!
-- Maggie H., Chicago (4:20 p.m.)

Why are athletes ever questioned about everything other than the sport they play? Does anyone care what Carl Everett has to say on social issues, politics, or anything else that doesn't have to do with hitting a ball with a stick? Memo to Mr. Everett: Nobody cares what you think.
-- Phillip, Seattle (4:21 p.m.)

Carl Everett has proven that he is ready for a new job -- public relations director for the San Francisco 49ers.
-- Eugene Chung, Scottsdale, Ariz. (4:21 p.m.)

I am an employee of the school district in which Carl was "educated." I apologize!
-- John Martin, Tampa (4:26 p.m.)

Carl Everett truly is laughable. Forget Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, I think Everett should have his own reality show. We're talking comedy goldmine here, folks. Just turn on the cameras, put the mic in front of him, and let the hilarity ensue. Where's Mark Burnett when you really need him?
-- Frank D., White Plains, N.Y. (4:31 p.m.)

A dumb athlete unafraid to share his ignorance? Who's surprised? Show of hands please. Carl should retire from baseball and get to work on the really tough intellectual challenges of the day, such as curing AIDS (Done! It doesn't exist!), creating cold fusion (Is that some new soda?) and lasting peace in the Middle East (Is that somewhere between the North and South Side? Implode it!).
-- Bill Foster, Greenville, S.C. (4:56 p.m.)

Are you serious? Pay attention to YOUR comments, my friend. While Everett's opinions have never fell short of bizarre and antiquitous, dismissing the South Side fans as drunken morons is unwarranted and ludicrous. Go no farther than 13 miles north and you will see a fanbase mired in a trend. No other park contains a fanbase consisting largely of cell-phone using, aloof idiots who couldn't even remember the last year before 2003 when the Cubbies made the playoffs. While "the Cell" may not draw like its crosstown competitor, the fans are largely excited, knowlegeable and in tune with the game play.
-- Ryan, Chicago (5:01 p.m.)

My comment is for this clown, Brian D. Your comment about North Siders not being able to name five guys who play for the Cubs -- I doubt any of the 12 or 13 fans who actually show up to the Cell could even spell the word "imploded."
-- Michael G., Chicago (5:01 p.m.)

That was a cheap shot at White Sox fans and completely uncalled for. You must have them confused with the fans at Wrigley, which is a tourist attraction, place to be seen, and a place to drink before going to the other Wrigleyville bars.
-- John W., Chicago (5:06 p.m.)

Not a lot of Everett defenders here! Tiger is awesome but not an athlete, the Cubs do need a new field, views on homosexuality are personal moral issues and the last time I checked we are free to voice our opinion in this country. As for that 99 percent thing ... ummmmm, sorry Carl, no help here. That was a silly thing to say.
-- Jeremy, St. Louis (5:31 p.m.)

Carl Everett is a spectacle -- there's no looking away. I like the spasmic head twitch just as a pitch is about to be delivered. Watch closely -- terrifying but terrific.
-- Toby, New York (5:36 p.m.)

Think about it. There are teachers, policemen and firemen who are a testament to our society. Carl "Idiot" Everett makes more green and has more bling than all of 'em. Go Figure.
-- Tom Rajan, Houston (6:00 p.m.)

Michael G., you must be a Cubs fan! You are actually going to sit there and take cheap shots at Sox fans about the word "implode?" If memory serves corectly, it was the beloved Cubs and their fans who decided to "implode" the infamous Steve Bartman baseball and make it into, of all things, soup! As for Wrigley Field, it is no longer safe for fans of baseball or the players themselves. I hope the next time you are at Wrigley Field you don't get hit by any falling concrete. I wouldn't want your cell phone call to be interupted!
-- Joseph T., Chicago (6:11 p.m.)

Funny, but there are a lot of people who agree with him on gays, Tiger Woods, Wrigley, and baseball fans. Why is so much of a shock that he might actually espouse such beliefs?
-- Kevin G., Keller, Texas (7:36 p.m.)

I have to say, it's a free country, and the man has the right to voice his opinions. That being said, John Rocker also voiced his opinions, and he was crucified for it. While I disagree with what both men had to say, I support their right to say it. I do find it odd however that Carl will likely escape the outrage that John received. Strange country we live in sometimes.
-- Michael DeKeyser, Berkeley, Calif. (9:31 p.m.)

Carl Everett is too uptight. He should go out, find himself a nice man and settle down.
-- L. Bernhard, Foster City, Calif. (9:46 p.m.)

I think Carl Everett fits right in with the South Side. All he needs to do is take his shirt off and rush the field with his son.
-- Tom, Park Ridge (10:36 a.m., Friday)

Carl Everett may be wrong about a lot of things, but he isn't wrong about Wrigley. That is a stadium in desperate need of an implosion. The ivy is nice, but you could put ivy walls in a stadium where all the seats have an unobstructed view of the field (since half of the seats are terrible in Wrigley), a couple of bathrooms might be nice, and if I could find somewhere to park my car that might be nice too. I live on the North Side, and it takes me the same amount of time to get to Miller Park as it does to drive to the train station and hop on the L to Wrigley. When it is time for the implosion I'll push the plunger.
-- JL, Chicago (10:46 p.m.)

Wow, cell phones, beer drinking (Who has those besides yuppies?!), not knowing more than five players? The same tired routine by the fans more concerned with the other team in town then their own. The most fun part of a Sox game is guessing what inning one of the "knowledgeable" fans will rush out of the stands and savagely beat a 70-year-old base coach. Carl fits right in with the Sox.
-- Cullen, Chicago (10:51 a.m., Friday)

Isn't implosion the appropriate form of destruction for a large building such as Wrigley? Mr. Everett may at least have that much correct, if nothing else.
-- Ken, Princeton, N.J. (11:16 a.m., Friday)

Carl Everett is still playing? I thought he went the way of the dinosaurs, oops, never mind, there never were any dinosaurs -- too bad we can't say the same about this bozo.
-- Pete, Salem, N.H. (11:21 a.m., Friday)

Are the Baltimore Orioles a fluke or are they for real?
-- Tommy Uttley, York, Pennsylvania (11:26 a.m., Friday)

I think Carl Everett is an idiot and you are too if you think South Siders don't know baseball. Better than Wrigley where I can't even count how many times after a game I've been at the Addison Red Line stop and I've been asked what the score was because people from Kappa Gamma Cubbie don't watch the damn game!
-- Jeremy, Chicago (11:36 a.m., Friday)

Born and raised in Chicago -- Cubs fan first, always a Chicago fan. Our city's representatives here are doing a great job of illustrating how much Everett's classless, stereotypical and mindless comments represent the city's fans on both sides. Maybe he got one right though -- whereever would he get the idea fans know nothing about the game?
-- Jason Z., Nashville, Tenn. (11:36 a.m., Friday)

Carl Everett may be a little excessive in saying 99 percent of baseball fans don't know whats going on, but he's not entirely off base. Just look at how many All-Star votes players like Jason Giambi and Nomar Garciaparra have received.
-- Jon R., Chicago (11:51 a.m., Friday)

Stop the presses! Athlete says something dumb! Why do we always equate athletic ability with MENSA-worthiness? Don't people realize these guys were good at sports so they didn't have to go to school?
-- Tim, Brooklyn, N.Y. (12:36 p.m., Friday)

So I take it that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy isn't planning any White Sox makeovers? That's too bad, because I think Carl could use a hug right about now.
-- Tom Van Fleet, Lawrence, Kan. (12:36p.m., Friday)

Everett bats .277 in the regular season and .143 in the playoffs. I hear Eva Longoria is not impressed with guys who shoot blanks under pressure.
-- Tony, San Antonio (1:01 p.m., Friday)

Carl Everett has never seen the World Series either, so how does he know that exists?
-- Sean Thomas, Charlottesville (1:16 p.m., Friday)

Carl is obviously a moron! How can anyone make such an asinine comment like that? "All Jedi had was a bunch on muppets?!?" He must have been watching a different move than I.
-- Paul, Pullman, Wash. (1:21 p.m., Friday)

Which is greater: The number of White Sox wins so far this season or the combined IQ's of Joseph T. and Carl Everett? You can bring up Bartman all you want, but you know as well as I do that you are still bitter that the two games you go to a year you sit in the upper deck and count all the empty seats and wish your idiotic fans hadn't run on the field and attacked a defenseless elderly coach, because then, and only then, would you be able to sneak down into a seat within a mile of sea level. I am going to be at the game Friday. I would give you my cell phone number so that we could meet up for a beer, but I don't accept collect calls from pay phones.
-- BK, Chicago (2:56 p.m., Friday)

Look, it's the South Side. It doesn't matter if it's a baseball game, a bachelor party, or a bar mitzvah -- there is going to be a fight. But, the fans at the Joan, drunk or not, know a whole hell of a lot more about baseball than anybody at Wrigley. But yeah, Carl's an idiot.
-- Lance, Chicago (3:41 p.m., Friday)