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Queer Eye for the NFL Guy

Breaking down the best and worst NFL uniforms

Posted: Wednesday November 9, 2005 10:04AM; Updated: Wednesday November 9, 2005 2:29PM
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If a team wants to stand out, it needs black jerseys and/or a cool logo.
Courtesy NFL.com
Which of Jay Mohr's favorite uniforms do you like best?
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I sometimes wonder: If I owned an NFL expansion franchise, what would I name it and what would the team's colors be. The NFL has a serious lack of imagination when it comes to naming its teams. Most of the league's nicknames are either cat-, bird- or human-related. For example, the Jaguars, the Falcons and the Giants. That is pretty much all the forefathers of the NFL had on their minds when naming 32 teams. Occasionally, you get an owner with some gall who will name his team after an aquatic mammal (Dolphins), and some time ago a man thought it would be intimidating to name his franchise after an airplane (Jets). The NFL is a league in which Vikings and Packers and Titans square off on any given Sunday against Eagles, Panthers or Bears.

I never understood that owners, when given the chance to name a team after something intimidating, chose the easy cat, bird or man. To me it seems like an easy way out; there are far more intimidating things roaming the earth than Saints and Rams. Who's afraid of a Ram? Every time I watch one of those nature shows about rams, it looks as if they only fight each other. St. Louis practices must be crazy. Maybe that explains the lack of defense on Sundays. All week Adam Archuleta lines up across the field and goes on a dead run until he bashes horns with Chris Claiborne. Sounds tiring. The Rams uniforms used to look cool, but since they changed the color scheme to that God awful gold-ish and blue it's looked like a little arena league uni to me.

The Colts are one of two teams named after a horse, the other being the Broncos. Bronco is a cool enough name because they buck and put up a fight, but a Colt? Isn't a colt a baby bronco? Why name your team after a baby anything? Why not have the Baltimore Chicks or the Cincinnati Kittens? I like the Colts' uniforms, but the placement of the logo on the helmet makes it look as if every member of the team got kicked in the head.

The Broncos' logo is like too many other logos in the NFL. Most helmets have the bird/cat/man on the side facing the front with an odd cropping at the bottom of it. The Patriots, Texans, Jaguars, Panthers and Vikings all subscribe to this style.