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Queer Eye for the NFL Guy (cont.)

Posted: Wednesday November 9, 2005 10:04AM; Updated: Wednesday November 9, 2005 2:29PM
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One team (the Browns) has nothing on its helmets. The Browns make my short list of ugliest NFL uniforms. Brown and orange are not colors for a football player. They are colors for a person who works at Burger King. When the Browns wear their home jerseys, the offensive linemen look like a collection of UPS trucks. Except UPS is faster.

The AFC North is home to two of the ugliest unis in the game. The Bengals' uniforms look like my son's pajamas. If a group of Bengals players came to my door step I would expect them to all yell, "Trick or treat!" Again, orange is not the best color for football. It is downright sad when a fan paints his face on game day. But painting your face bright orange with stripes should put you in either a mental hospital or a preschool.


Some of you will disagree with me, but I think the Ravens' uniforms are bad ass. Not since Luther Vandross weighed 400 pounds has purple been so scary.

The Steelers have the best uniforms in football. The color scheme is cool and I love that the logo is only on one side of the helmet. Because of the Steelers' uniforms being so cool, the AFC North narrowly avoids being the ugliest-dressed division in football.

That honor goes to the NFC West. What a train wreck that collection of laundry is. The Cardinals wear red, obviously, because that is the color of the bird. Sadly, Cardinals are not scary -- neither the bird nor the team --  unless you have to coach them. The Rams we have already covered, which brings me to the Seahawks. Is it blue? Is it green? Is it teal? Who knows? One thing is for sure: it's ugly and no grown man should have to wear blue pants unless he is a cop or a night watchman. The San Francisco 49ers may have the worst uniforms in the division. Gold pants? Do you get roller skates and a glow stick when you sign up for this squad. I know the gold is supposed to represent the gold rush of 1849, but there hasn't been any gold in San Francisco since Ken Norton's teeth.

The Giants are forced to wear gray pants. Not nearly as bad as gold pants, but not much better either. Are they janitors or are they trying to camouflage themselves to match the slush in the parking lot in December?

I am surprised no NFL team has gone with an all black uniform. The Jaguars experimented with it a little earlier this season and it looked intimidating.

After much discussion with the guys from Queer Eye, I have decided that the worst uniforms in the NFL belong to:

1. Seattle Seahawks: Nothing makes you want to play in the rain more than blue pants.

2. Cleveland Browns: Seriously, orange and brown?

3. Cincinnati Bengals: They could only look worse if Roy Horn walked them out onto the field.

The best uniforms in the NFL belong to:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers. The black and gold bring out the highlights in Troy Polamalu's afro.

2. (tie) Dallas Cowboys: The star on the Cowboys' helmet is as simple and effective as you can get.

2. Chicago Bears:  The Bears uniforms scream, Don't mess with us!

3. Oakland Raiders. The silver and black always will be the color of the league. Especially when you have the best 3-5 team in football.

After much pondering, wondering and deliberating, I have decided that if I had an NFL franchise, I would have the uniforms be all black. The helmets would be all black with nothing on them. All players would be forced to wear mirrored visors over their face masks and no one would wear socks. The colors would be the same on the road as well as at home. The name of the team would be The Jay Mohr's. Unless they started a really long losing streak. Then they would be changed to the Black Cardinals.