Your latest drug escapades are beyond believable

In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a passage that reads, "There are those unfortunate few who cannot, or will not, practice this simple program." Enter Michael Irvin.

As we all know by now, Irvin was busted last week on an outstanding warrant for an unpaid speeding ticket and was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia. After pulling Irvin over for going 78 miles per hour in a 60-mph zone, police discovered the warrant, and upon searching Irvin's car reportedly found a drug pipe under the seat. Irvin reportedly told police that the pipe in question, which was in a sunglass case along with plastic baggies containing marijuana residue, belonged to "my brother."

Upon further review, Irvin reportedly changed his story (or didn't) and claims the pipe belonged to a dear friend of his of 17 years who he was trying to save. The officers on the scene were apparently confused that when you say a drug pipe belongs to your brother, it actually means your dear friend. We all have dear friends. We all have dear friends over for a nice meal at Thanksgiving.

On The Dan Patrick Show Monday, Irvin explained that his dear friend was recently released from a drug treatment facility and before Irvin would allow the man in question to enter his house, he "patted him down." It was during this pat down that Irvin found the pipe. What did The Playmaker do? Did he throw the pipe in the trash? No way. Irvin told Patrick that rabid fans have been known to go through his trash, so that idea was out. Did Irvin smash the pipe into a million pieces and immediately take his friend back to the drug treatment facility? Not a chance. Being the dear friend that he is, Irvin confiscated the pipe and put it in his own automobile. He said he was planning to discard it later in a supermarket dumpster.

There is a big problem with this line of intervention. Why did Irvin let his friend in his house at all? Unless Irvin is lying. Which I think he is. This, of course, is merely my opinion and a harsh one at that.

After hearing Irvin explain the unfortunate situation on Patrick's radio show, he was far from convincing and came across as a lousy liar.

First, Irvin told Patrick that he and his wife were stopped after being clocked at 70 mph in a 55-mph zone. Wrong. The police radar reportedly had Irvin's car at 78 in a 60-mph zone.

Patrick repeatedly referred to the pipe as a "crack pipe" and Irvin did not correct him (Irvin pleaded no contest to felony cocaine possession in 1996). Crack pipe, pot pipe, corn pipe, what's the difference, right?

Patrick asked Irvin if he would take a drug test "right now", to which Irvin insisted he was clean and then rambled through some bizarre explanation of how he needed to consult with his lawyer in order for him to consider that option. Oh Michael, who on earth are you trying to kid?

Irvin has repeatedly said that he will clear his name. What better way to clear your name than to march into the Human Resources department at ESPN and ask them for a cup to pee in?

Addressing the drug test on Tuesday, Irvin told the press, "If my lawyer says 'that's great' lets do it. Well, what if his lawyer says, "That's good" or "Yes." If you ask me, Irvin had no plans to pee in a cup because he knows full well what the tests will find. Drugs.

Irvin is on the Hall of Fame ballot for the second time this year and it is safe to say that this incident has hurt his shot at getting inducted this time around.

Earlier this year while interviewing Cowboys receiver Keyshawn Johnson, Irvin was called out by Keyshawn for declaring him a "possession receiver." Johnson was angry because he thought being labeled as such by a potential Hall of Famer would adversely affect his wallet come contract time.

Johnson angrily reminded Irvin that, "You never led the league in anything!" He went on to say that if he had Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman as teammates he would have far exceeded Irvin's career numbers. Irvin scoffed at this notion, but let's take a closer look, because we all know the numbers don't lie.

Career receptions: Irvin 750, Johnson 726
Career yards: Irvin 11,904, Johnson 9,499
Career touchdowns: Irvin 65, Johnson 60

Kind of makes you wonder how much better Keyshawn's numbers would be if his career quarterback carousel didn't include Neil O'Donnell, Ray Lucas and Browning Nagle.

I owe Keyshawn an apology. You are one of the good guys, Keyshawn. You may be a pain in the ass sometimes and you may even be a selfish player. But you have never been arrested and -- sadly -- in this day and age you deserve credit for that.

Here is a tip for Irvin: The next time you are driving with drug paraphernalia in your car, observe the posted speed limits. Personally, if I was driving with drugs in my car (which I have done) I wouldn't even change lanes. I would drive the speed limit and make sure I used my turn signals.

Here is an even better idea:  Next time you have any drug-related items on your person or in your car -- WALK. Just like you will walk through the Hall of Fame after you buy a ticket like the rest of us.