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Here at Hot Button headquarters, we're not in the business of making pedestrian predictions like who's going to win the Super Bowl or the World Series in 2005. We'd rather tell you about some of the more interesting twists and turns that await us during the next 12 months in sports. Go ahead and cancel your newspaper subscription for the coming year, because here are the next 12 months in a nutshell:

January

• NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announces that the league's lockout has forced the cancellation of the entire season, and America's outraged hockey fans unite to picket NHL headquarters in New York. A cop tells them both to go on home.

• Agent Scott Boras re-thinks his $200 million contract demand for his client, free agent Carlos Beltran -- and decides it's too low. Boras announces that any owner who wants to acquire Beltran will not only have to sign over half the franchise to him, but agree to trim Beltran's shrubs every other Tuesday.

February

• The SI Swimsuit issue hits the newsstands. Janet Jackson, aghast at the scantily clad models, cancels her subscription.

• The New England Patriots' second straight Super Bowl victory is marred by controversy when Kobe Bryant charges that, during halftime, Patriots coach Bill Belichick made a pass at his wife.

March

• The Yankees lose their spring training opener. George Steinbrenner immediately starts working on deals to acquire Barry Bonds, Vladimir Guerrero and Albert Pujols.

• The NCAA tournament begins. With most of the traditional college basketball powers having been decimated by players leaving early for the pros, being declared academically ineligible or suspended for taking money from agents, the Rhode Island School of Design reaches the Sweet 16.

April

• Golfer Vijay Singh, the reigning Player of the Year, wins his second straight major, blowing away the Masters field with a final-day 64. Afterward, the first question reporters ask Singh is, "Do you think Tiger's in a slump?"

• The Boston Red Sox receive their World Series rings on Opening Day at Fenway Park. Ex-Red Sox hero Johnny Pesky returns to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Another former Boston hero, Pedro Martinez, returns for the ceremonial tossing of Don Zimmer.

May

• Kentucky Derby winner Bye-Bye Barry is disqualified after testing positive for illegal drugs. The horse insists that it didn't know the drugs were prohibited; it just took whatever its trainer offered.

• Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500 even though on Lap 252, according to Kobe Bryant, Castroneves made a pass at his wife.

June

• With aluminum bats sending balls flying over the fence with regularity, LSU beats Miami in the College World Series, 26-18 -- which, coincidentally, is also the final score of that night's NBA playoff game between the Detroit Pistons and Orlando Magic.

• Yankees ace Randy Johnson loses to the Baltimore Orioles to fall to 16-3. Steinbrenner looks into acquiring Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson and Juan Marichal.

July

• Suspicions grow that the Home Run Derby during baseball's All-Star break isn't quite on the level when the guy bringing "Gatorade" to the sluggers is revealed to be Victor Conte.

• Rookie running back Maurice Clarett, the third-round pick of the Oakland Raiders, signs his first contract. When asked if he wants his salary to be paid by check or direct deposit, he tells the team he'd like to stick to his usual method of payment -- by an Ohio State booster in small bills.

August

• Minnesota Vikings owner Red McCombs announces his intention to put "real grass" in the Metrodome. Retired running back Ricky Williams, misinterpreting McCombs' statement, immediately signs with the Vikings.

• In a scene reminiscent of the NBA brawl between players and fans, Mike Tyson leaves the ring during a bout and charges into the crowd. Tyson isn't actually angry at any of the fans. He's just looking for a fight he can win.

September

• USC and Texas are selected to play in the BCS championship game in January. Even though the season hasn't actually been played yet, everyone agrees that this is fine, because it gives them three extra months to bitch about the BCS.

• An NBA player declares his homosexuality, becoming the first athlete in a major American sport to come out of the closet during his playing career. Kobe Bryant is still pretty sure the guy made a pass at his wife.

October

• The New York Mets win the World Series, with Pedro ("Call the Yankees my daddy") Martinez beating the Boston Red Sox in Game 7. After the game Martinez declares that he is now Boston's daddy. The Yankees, arguing that since they are Martinez's daddy they are therefore the Sox's granddaddy, immediately sue for custody of Curt Schilling.

• The hockey season begins when NHL owners and players finally come to an agreement. Residents of Atlanta and Nashville are shocked, but not at the news of the settlement. Seems no one had told them they actually had NHL teams.

November

• All over the country families gather together on Turkey Day to give thanks for their many blessings and to ask the two questions that never seem to beyond our knowing: Why do the Detroit Lions always play on Thanksgiving, and, why are they always 4-7?

• Sports fans in Minnesota eat their Thanksgiving dinner in peace once they have been assured of one thing: Latrell Sprewell's family has been fed.

December

• Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens scores his 15th touchdown of the season, and hefty coach Andy Reid finally dons the white tights he promised to wear if T.O. reached that total. Reid appears on television in the getup, and counselors are placed on standby at schools around the Philadelphia area, ready to help small children deal with the trauma.

• Somewhere a fan realizes that his favorite team isn't going to win a championship this season, either, and sighs in disgust. But then a thought comes into his mind that gives him, and all of us, hope: "Next year."

Sports Illustrated senior writer Phil Taylor writes about a Hot Button topic every Monday on SI.com.