What happens if USC, Texas lose this weekend?

	JaMarcus Russell and LSU still have a shot at the Rose Bowl ... but it's a very long shot. Damian Strohmeyer/SI
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If, like me, you happened to watch NBC guilty pleasure Las Vegas either of the past two weeks, you were treated to one of the most implausibly hilarious plot twists in recent memory. Amidst a heated discussion on the rooftop of the Montecito, the casino's cold-hearted inheritor, played by Lara Flynn Boyle -- who's suspiciously wearing a strange dress with flaps on the arms -- gets caught by a gust of wind and suddenly flies away like the witch she is. As if the special effects of her "fall" aren't bad enough, we're then treated to a wide-shot of what can best be described as a female projectile cruising more than a mile down the Strip before finally crashing through the window of a women's shoe store.

And if you think that's unrealistic, check this question out:

What happens to the bowl pairings if:
• Texas loses to Colorado, or
• USC loses to UCLA, or
• both Texas AND USC lose.
 --Scott Warren, Hohenfels, Germany

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Scott. You might want to lay off the Lowenbrau, buddy, because you're clearly thinking about as rationally as the Las Vegas producers.

Wait ... what am I saying? This is college football, where strange things do happen. No one knows that better than me, who, if you haven't heard, has correctly picked five straight Upset Specials in my weekly picks (Central Michigan over Toledo, USF over Rutgers, Auburn over Georgia, Vanderbilt over Tennessee and Kansas over Iowa State, not that anyone's counting). The degenerate gamblers in the crowd can send my cut of the winnings to ...

So, while I find it hard to believe USC will lose at the Coliseum with a national-title berth on the line (even with its admittedly vulnerable defense) and I find it even harder to believe Colorado will stay within three touchdowns of Texas (even though the Buffs pulled off a similar upset four years ago), if Lara Flynn Boyle can get cannonballed off a roof, then, by golly, perhaps we better lay out the "What if" scenarios.

To simplify things, I am making one assumption -- that Virginia Tech beats Florida State (which is only slightly more certain than whether the 'Noles will score) ...

If Texas loses: Unless they remain in the BCS top four (not likely), the Longhorns would likely be left out altogether, because the Fiesta is not going to stage a Colorado-Texas rematch, and the Orange would almost certainly use its selection on Notre Dame. My guess:

Rose: USC vs. Penn State
Fiesta: Colorado vs. Oregon
Sugar: LSU/Georgia vs. West Virginia
Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Notre Dame

If USC loses: Believe it or not, the Trojans would still get the Pac-10's automatic berth, winning a three-way tie with UCLA and Oregon because, of all things, the Bruins lost to Arizona. Don't ask. ...

Rose: Texas vs. Penn State
Fiesta: USC vs. Ohio State
Sugar: LSU/Georgia vs. West Virginia
Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Notre Dame

If USC and Texas lose and LSU beats Georgia: If Virginia Tech wasn't playing a four-loss team, it might have had a chance to move ahead of LSU for No. 2. ...

Rose: Penn State vs. LSU
Fiesta: USC vs. Colorado
Sugar: West Virginia vs. Notre Dame
Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Texas

If USC and Texas lose and Georgia beats LSU: The Orange Bowl would get the top two picks. ...

Rose: Penn State vs. Virginia Tech
Fiesta: USC vs. Colorado
Sugar: Georgia vs. West Virginia
Orange: Notre Dame vs. Texas

Hopefully that helped, though I'm guessing by now you're only slightly less confused than Frank Solich was when the cops tapped on his window.