By Justin Doom

Did you just ask what pitch that was? Sorry, that's classified

	Dick Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener on Tuesday. Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener with the ball bouncing in the dirt, low and outside, before reaching catcher Brian Schneider.

"I'm just glad it didn't hit me in the face," Schneider didn't add.

The electric Super Bowl shuffle

Jean-Jacques Taylor of the Dallas Morning News blogged this week about, umm, an electric football tournament that's going to be held on Labor Day.

"I haven't played regularly since I was a kid, but I've been promised an advantageous draw," wrote Taylor, adding with more than a little irony, "I'm looking for sponsors who will take care of the registration fee. That would allow you to get an autographed picture of me, free tickets to the tournament and admittance to the VIP area. Any takers?"

Yeah. I'll get right back to you on that one.

Maybe this will inspire the U.S. Olympic basketball team ... or not

Scotland -- the country that invented curling along with the bagpipes and wearing plaid clothing --- beat archrival Canada 7-4 in this week's world championships. It was Scotland's fourth title in 47 years. Canada crushed Sctoland  8-2 in the semis last week and smoked 'em 11-4 in last year's world finals.

"It was important to build our team around real team players, not just a bunch of whiny, me-first All-Stars," one curling official wasn't quoted as saying. "When we have to lay the hammer in the final frame to possibly avoid extra ends, or whatever, showboating is the last thing on our minds."

You can (almost) take it with you

Fans of Argentina's most popular soccer team, the Boca Juniors, can now buy coffins decoratedin the team's colors and insignia.

"The coffin lets me express my feelings and show what happened to me during my life. And maybe it will bring a smile to someone's face who remembers when we went to see a match together," Hernan Marini, who works with a funeral home that offers the caskets to prospective corpses, told Reuters.

This is completely true: One of Boca's field chants goes, "The day I die, I want my coffin, painted blue and gold, like my heart."

The coffin comes in two versions, with Marini saying he plans to choose the less flashy version for himself. "I don't want people to enter the chapel and be surprised or take it as a joke," he added.

Yeah. That's the last thing you'd want people to think.

And in 'things not to use bullets for' news ...

A California teacher last week tried to use a five-inch-long, 40-mm shell, which he didn't think was live and had used solely as a paperweight, to smash a bug on his desk. The shell exploded and blew off most of his hand.

Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students in an adult education class at the time. He also suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds and last was listed in stable condition at an area hospital.

Justin Doom can be reached at sidoomsday@yahoo.com. Some of his past columns can be found here.