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Miami - Home of the Suspended Football Player
By Allison Torres Ahh, back to school. FSU students are being tested for placement, while those in Miami are being screened for drugs. Already, four UM players have been suspended for Monday's game. Don't worry 'Noles fans, there are only a few days left until the game and I'm certain that more Hurricanes can squeeze their way into suspension by then.
Who actually cares about school down there when you have excellent role models such as the cast from 8th & Ocean and every other wannabe model who prances around Miami? For the $30,000 these suckers pay each year, I could buy a new car every year, for four years, drive it to the beach, prop up my feet with a book and call it school, too. At least I'll actually have something decent to show for my four years at FSU. Wait, I'll retract that. I'm sure that Miami students will have at least completed ESL by graduation, so there's one sticker for their charts.
Some recognize this coming Monday as Labor Day, but for football fans, it will be the ultimate Day of Judgment. Two rival schools from the same state. What could be better? FSU has been allegedly "cursed" by the missed field goal attempts against Miami known as the Wide Right. Yet, last year we banished this legacy and defeated the Hurricanes, 10-7.
As an FSU student, I recognize good sportsmanship when I see it. UM students dragged their broken hearts out of Doak Campbell Stadium after that hard loss here in Tallahassee. There were no comments made by us about the defeat, probably because Miami students lay on the beach all day frying their brains to oblivion and the best they can come up with is, "Duuude this sucks."
UM coach Larry Coker is going to have his hands full trying to juggle his players for Monday's game. With four suspended, it looks as though the Hurricanes are going to be nothing more than a passing shower for the Seminoles. Hey, I'm no South Beach gypsy, but I can foresee domination.
As for The Unfortunate Ones aka those who cheer for the 'Canes, I must leave you with this...
Dear Miami students, fans, and anyone else who actually cares about your overpriced school: We, the Florida State Seminoles, will raid your so-called battlefield on Monday. Expect a blinding parade of Garnet & Gold, the infamously gorgeous FSU cowgirls and sheer humiliation. Sure, we country folk may talk slow, but that's just so you can hear our infamous battle cry loud and clear ... F*&^% MI-A-MI !
Allison Torres is a student at FSU and a cowgirl in training. She's also done some modeling and is well-worth a Google search (i.e. - we can't post her pics on our site)
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FSU - The 110th best school in America
By Stacey Arnold
Writing about Florida State affords one the tremendous liberty to be as snide and condescending as possible. After all, nobody up there in Tallahassee can actually read.
Classes at FSU are little more than remedial lessons in how to count to nine (double digits are reserved for grad students) presided over by parole officers rather than professors. Now don't get me wrong. It's not as though FSU is a terrible school. In fact, lots of UM students applied to Florida State as a back-up -- in case they got rejected by their local community colleges.
Recently, U.S. News and World Report ranked FSU as the 110th "best" school in America. FSU finished 22 spots behind Auburn -- Auburn! People at Auburn think books are for burning. FSU was actually ranked lower than something called SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry.
The reason FSU did not finish at the very bottom of the rankings: Arkansas is still part of the United States.
In terms of ACC schools, FSU's academic reputation isn't so much bad as it is nonexistent. In fact, I feel a little dirty placing the words "academic reputation" in the same sentence as FSU. Part of the reason FSU fares so poorly in academic rankings is because of its unique application process. Every school in America asks potential candidates whether they have ever been convicted of a crime. At every other school, students who check the "yes" box are asked to provide a written explanation of the event. At FSU, those who check "yes" are referred immediately to the athletic department.
Moreover, applicants who have felony convictions are immediately nominated for the school's board of trustees. Amazingly, FSU actually boasts alumni who are willing to admit attending college there. Most famous among them is Bert Reynolds. Apparently once relevant, Mr. Reynolds started in such cinematic epics as Cannonball Run 2. He is now best known as "that old guy in the toupee."
There is, of course, one aspect of football that the Seminoles have yet to master: placekicking. Historically -- and I am not making this up -- FSU kickers have been arrested more times than they have made game winning kicks. The margin isn't even close.
Of course. there is one positive thing you can say about the 'Noles: At least they ain't the stinkin' Gators.
Stacey Arnold is a junior at the University of Miami. She currently serves as the Sports Editor at The Hurricane, the student newspaper.
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