Not that Byrnes attracts groupies anyway.

"He's no oil painting," said Luis Gonzalez, whose rabid fan base is a little easier to get.

Byrnes has flirted with Big Man moments before. In 1997, after his junior year at UCLA, the Astros selected Byrnes in the fourth round. But then they lowballed him with a 38th-round kind of offer.

"They said they spent all their money on this kid from Rice, Lance Berkman," Byrnes recalled. 

By his senior year Byrnes was easily the studliest Bruin. He was a three-time All-Academic honoree and four-time All-Pac-10 player, and his 326 hits were 58 more than anyone had ever hit in school history. Perfect Big Man on Campus, right?

"In a nonrevenue sport?" Byrnes half-asked, half-snorted. "If anyone recognized me it was because I was the guy doing body tosses in the stands at football games."

Still, he's had local fans most everywhere he's gone. He's the type of baseball player who "has a football player's brain," Gonzalez said. And he's the type of teammate someone is anonymously punking with annual subscriptions to multiple gay beefcake magazines.

"Hey, I'm from San Francisco, I don't have a problem with it," Byrnes said, all while Gonzalez doubled over and shook his head.

During an MVP run in the Dominican League five winters ago, Byrnes snagged the nickname Captain America. There were a few people who'd scream for the flamethrowers in Oakland, and then save a few cheers for him. One of those fans, another woman, started ericbyrnes.com a few years ago.

Byrnes' feet are always moving, his jaw's always flapping, his hair's never combed and he swears he doesn't get how anyone could root for him separate from his team.

"I always thought it was weird I would receive attention," he said, sounding freakishly sincere. Then he paused, thought about it, and said, "I think the reason why people take to me is because they look at me and figure, 'That could be me out there.'"

Of course, there's a problem in all of this. After a brutal year of drifting from Oakland to Colorado to Baltimore, Byrnes has settled in in Arizona. He's hitting .322, he smacked three homers in the first two games of this week's three-game set with the Mets and, going into Wednesday night's series finale, he was carrying a 13-game hitting streak.

Kellia's near-daily dissertations on why Byrnes should bat fifth instead of second is starting to make more sense. Byrnes' two-week gig guest-hosting The Best Damn Sports Show has similar requests pouring in, and Gonzalez is betting that Byrnes will have Craig Counsell beat for second-favorite D'back before the All-Star break.

All of which defies why Kellia started her ode to Byrnes in the first place.

"You mean, if I become too good, if I become a superstar ..." Byrnes said, trailing off, imagining first the prospect and then the consequences. And then he laughed. "I don't think so. That's just not me. I'm never going to be pretty."

Maybe not. But maybe like Kellia says, being pretty darn fun is better.

Top Photo Galleries Rafael Nadal Through Time Did You See That? 100 Memorable Olympic Moments The NHL's Great Game 7s Best Players Without An NBA Title

Most Popular Stories Jessica Lucas; Jon Beason calls out Alex Smith for knocking Cam Newton: Hot Clicks Orioles not getting bargain they hoped for with Jones deal Jessica Rafalowski; Snoop Dogg Tebowed after throwing first pitch: Hot Clicks Wagenheim: Ex-champ Velasquez hopes to restore winning ways at UFC 146 Brodeur, Devils write up alternate ending to 1994 script