Defensive tackle Mike Patterson, 6-0, 292, maintained a steady, formful pace as he progressed 98 yards to glory against the Niners. He didn't poop out and wobble out-of-bounds, as Baltimore's Haloti Ngata did. He didn't suffer a case of the staggers. He is therefore our choice to anchor the NFL's Fat Man's relay against the Japanese team of Sumo United. Go, USA!
Did you dig CBS' seriously orchestrated trash-a-thon between Joey Porter and the Bengals' Chad Johnson during the pregame warmups? Oh, my God, shield the children's eyes. This is going to be Hoffiric, I mean Horrific! Final tally: Porter, no tackles, one assist; Johnson, one catch for 11 yards. Sorry, fellas, we can't use you Saturday night. Next act, please.
Say, where did that college option go? Just asking. And did you watch Grady Jackson, who was brought in to add weight to the run-stopping game? You didn't see him? Me neither. Wonder where he'll be auditioning next. Flash -- Falcons Considering Signing Sidney Greenstreet. Or possibly Oliver Hardy. And since they couldn't get a pass rush going with their front four, on that slippery turf, why didn't they start bringing blitzers?
The Pats showed a strong running game against the Jets. Since football's all action and reaction, the Broncos said, OK, let's crowd the box and make Tom Brady beat us. Very sound strategy. I never thought I'd see it, either, which shows you how down-in-the-dumper this magnificent competitor and his wideout crew have sunk.
Safetyman Kerry Rhodes has three stripsacks, which sounds like exotic dances on a loading platform, and they're predicting that this devastating human blitzkrieg will sack his way into the Pro Bowl. Who are the best blitzing DBs ever? Well, the Cards' Larry Wilson originated the technique and probably was its all-time king. The Eagles' Brian Dawkins is the star of the current era. Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu is no slouch, either. It takes a certain talent. You have to disguise your intentions until the last minute, you have to be able to evade a blocker without breaking stride, and you have to love the old smackeroo. Rhodes qualifies.
I raised them two places despite an uninspiring victory because Georgia Frontiere begged me to. One TD against the Cards. Failure in the red zone. A game-losing Marc Bulger fumble saved because Kurt Warner, who once started ahead of him, fumbled the ball back. Maybe I should have dropped them in the rankings, but everyone in their neighborhood lost.
Much was made of the fact that J.P. Losman showed real anger and emotion in his post-Jets press conference. So I placed a call to Father Phil, I mean Dr. Phil, you know, just doctor to doctor for a high-level consult on this patient, but he was busy breaking up an argument between the Flaming Redhead's hair stylist and her grandson. I'll try again next week.
Jeremy Shockey was off and running about the offensive coaching, but if he had paused to take a breath, he would have realized he was attacking the wrong side of the ball. Never have I seen so many uncovered receivers as I did against the Seahawks, unless it was in the first half against the Eagles. The Hawks wideouts were waltzing through open pastures, even in the red zone. The Giants safeties play so far back that they're in a different area code. C'mon, Shockey, get your lunacy in focus.
Unsung hero -- no, not a star, just a guy whose steadfastness I've always admired -- MLB Chris Draft, subbing for injured Dan Morgan. Certainly not flashy, but he does a man's work as a plugger, and you can't say that about all of them.