Bengals, 'Hawks, Chargers fall apart as Bears surge

I've just received an e-mail. It's from myself:

Well, at least you're consistent. You can't rank them, and you can't handicap them, either.

I'm sorry.

What happened to your No. 1 team, the Bengals?

They were overrated.

By whom?

By me.

How about Seattle, your No. 2?

They stunk.

How about the Chargers, whom you picked to beat the Ravens?

They blew it. You see, they were leading, and then they ...

Not interested. Save it for your readers. So this week you switch everyone, and bottom teams go up to the top and everything goes haywire, right?

Right. May I tell you a brief story, even though I hear my wife groaning ("Not ANOTHER one")?

Yeah, OK, go ahead.

You see, the Bills once had this kicker named Booth Lusteg. I guess this was around the mid-1960s. They blew a game at home, in War Memorial Stadium, because he missed a field goal at the end. After the game two guys were waiting for him in the parking lot and they beat him up. The police asked him if he wanted to press charges. "No," he said. "I deserved it."

Here then are my, uh, rankings.

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 5 Chicago Bears (4-0) Is there anything about this team that I don't like, after watching the way they took the Seahawks apart? Not sure about their offensive line, but there are very few of them in the NFL that I do like. Can Rex Grossman bring his team back on the road with a minute and a half and no timeouts left? Not really sure. He came back OK against the Vikings. I'll say one thing for him: He can throw the deep ball with touch and accuracy, and not many other guys can do this. No, actually there are not many things I don't like. 2 3 Indianapolis Colts (4-0) Peyton brought them back against the Jets, not once but twice in the last quarter. The Jets also gained a season-high 135 yards rushing against them. I see them running into problems in this regard on Oct. 29 when they're at Denver, but who cares, because I'll be a year older then, just having survived another birthday. "Oh, so you're a Scorpio, huh?" Couldn't you tell? So's the Flaming Redhead. So's Little Jake the tabby. A house full of Scorpios, they say, is a threat to the whole community. 3 4 Baltimore Ravens (4-0) Yep, Steve McNair still has some of the old punch. At the end of a day in which he got intercepted twice, and Daniel Wilcox fumbled on the Chargers' goal line and Derrick Mason lost a TD pass in the sun, McNair took his team down the field in regimental fashion, scrambling for a neat 12-yard gain in the middle of the drive. The contest also provided my favorite one-liner of the weekend. After Chargers linebacker Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman whiffed on Todd Heap's touchdown catch, Ravens LB Bart Scott said to LT Jonathan Ogden, "Hey, J.O., are you going to ask Merriman when he turned the lights on?" 4 14 New England Patriots (3-1) You'd never know it from CBS' No. 1 announcing crew because they don't bother with trivial details such as this, but the Pats opened against the Bengals in a 4-2-nickel, with Hank Poteat as the starting nickelback and Junior Seau out. Poteat is a street free agent they picked up Wednesday before the game. He's been on and off their roster for three years. And they got by with this, against one of the NFL's flashiest passing offenses, with Carson Palmer, etc. ... you know, the Bengals, who a few idiots had ranked No. 1 in the NFL. Yeah, the Patriots are resilient, almost spooky in a way. 5 1 Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) You had your fling at café society, at the top of the heap. Remember it, because you might never see it again. As my grandfather used to say, "I've been so nice to you and is this the way you repay me?" 6 2 Seattle Seahawks (3-1) This was a "see how it feels" game. They played the Panthers, who were minus their running threat, DeShaun Foster, in last year's NFC championship. After five minutes there was no doubt who was going to win. Sunday they faced the Bears without Shaun Alexander. Same deal. If you can say something more clever than "history repeats," I'll listen. 7 8 Denver Broncos (2-1) If they can lay one on the Ravens this weekend, they'll be ready for a move, because the Bengals and the Hawks make me nervous, as high as they are. 8 7 San Diego Chargers (3-1) Memories of Martyball. Get a small lead, try to make it stand up for a whole game by running the ball forever, and all you do is give the other team new life. "Take heart, boys! They're out of ammunition. They're throwing rocks." It disgusts the players, the fans and the guys who picked you to beat the Ravens in their handicapping column. "Two losing weeks in a row!" says that nasty e-mailer who has returned. "I mean you take five old ladies with hatpins and they'll at least hit the guessing average of .500." Right. Thank you. Nice to see you again. Memo to defensive coordinator Wade Phillips: When the other team is on your 10-yard line, it doesn't make sense to go into a three-man rush and play coverages downfield, because there is no downfield. It's a compressed area. All you're doing is nullifying your two most serious threats, your outside rushers, Merriman and Shaun Phillips. It's the defensive counterpart to Martyball. 9 13 Atlanta Falcons (3-1) Yeah, hooray, they're back to running for big numbers, this time against the poor Cardinals. Where was that against the Saints? But I raised them a few spots because no one else was worthy of stepping up this high. 10 21 Washington Redskins (2-2) Did you wave hello to the Jaguars, riding the down-elevator as you were going up? Another handicapping foray gone hopelessly wrong for the poor Doc. Four total penalties against the Jaguars, down from 12 the previous week; zero on the offensive line, down from six. TE-HB Chris Cooley moved from inside to the slot, where he can assert himself as a receiving threat, as well as a blocker. Rock Cartwright, who's built like Rocky Marciano, is emerging as a serious kick returner. Welcome to the top 10, boys.