Bailey helps Denver rise to top-three status

Tired of getting castigated for the logic or presumed illogic of my Power Rankings, which require many hours of concerted effort to produce, I decided to take the mechanical way out of this and turn to the computer for the work. I mean everyone else does it; The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and Mott Street Journal. Why not me?

So I asked someone I know who is computer literate how this is done, and he laid out the simple instructions for getting this glowering monster in front of me to generate scientific data. And I began punching in the information, and the first thing it told me was INSTRUCTIONS NOT RECOGNIZED, and then REFER TO HELP OPTION (which I did and got a list of products I could buy for further technical enhancement) and then YOU MUST CONTACT YOUR SERVER.

So I called Lucas at Attilio's Pizzeria ... Lucas usually takes care of our table during our regular visits ... but he didn't know what I was talking about. Meanwhile the computer, annoyed by lack of attention, now posted a long message in agate type too small to read, with the heading of WARNING: And accompanying it was a little icon that showed a clenched fist and an old-style round bomb with fuse, etc.

After seeing this I immediately called the U.S. Anti-Terrorism Unit. Twenty minutes later two gentlemen arrived, who handcuffed the computer and told me they were taking it to "Special Services" in Syria, where methods would be employed to make it disclose certain information.

And that, folks, is the short version of why today's tankings, I mean rankings, will be created by me and me alone, without electronic help.

NFL Power Rankings Rank LW Team 1 1 Chicago Bears (5-0) The 36 points allowed in the first five games is the lowest team mark since the 1937 club's 31 points. Ah, how well I remember that team. I was just launching my career as a sportswriter at that time, and the names of those defensive stars of the Monsters of the Midway were on everyone's tongue -- Danny Fortmann and Jumbo Joe Stydahar and 270-pound George Musso, and the Bronk ... yes, Nagurski played a lot of defense in those days. Do you think that 69 years from now people will be saying, "Remember that great '06 team, with Lance Briggs, Brian Urlacher, Alex Brown and Tommie Harris?" 2 2 Indianapolis Colts (5-0) They keep winning and getting run on (like my sentences) and enriching the stat sheets of enemy ballcarriers. But the W's keep coming. Therefore I see little reason to drop them, unless, of course, something outrageous happens, such as an L. 3 7 Denver Broncos (3-1) I'm taking a longer look at Champ Bailey, whom I've regularly stiffed on my All-Pro teams because he's usually good for one walkabout per contest, allowing an unexplained deep completion. But at the end of the first half of Monday night's Baltimore game he made the best play I've seen from a cornerback this year, when he climbed the ladder in the end zone and snatched the short fade pass away from 6-foot-6 Clarence Moore. The Champ gave away six inches, but I didn't see much difference in the height of their hands when Bailey, after positioning his body beautifully, made the pick. Moore has turned into a one-play receiver for the Ravens, the high-altitude fade. I mean when the Ravens drove deep and he entered the game, the muttering began in the stands: "fade, fade, fade." You could hear it in bars all around the country, in massage parlors, in foxholes in the South Pacific. So why didn't Brian Billick position Moore on the other side, to get him away from one of the game's great leapers? Who knows? It was one of the many things I took issue with in the Ravens' strategy department, although I'll probably get lots of reasons from Baltimore about why that would have been impossible. Bailey made other really big-league plays in that game. OK, so he might give up a long one every now and then, but I've got to get over this stupid bias of mine. 4 4 New England Patriots (4-1) I think I'm finally getting the teams ranked correctly, up here on top. Oh yes, comma, by the way, comma, Miami coach Nick Saban referred to the Patriots' field as "basically a sandbox." The Dolphins maintain that it contributed to one blocked field goal by Olindo Mare and another that fell short. Many people wonder why the league lets the Patriots get away with painting the dirt on their field green, but you know, owner Bob Kraft is a revered figure in NFL circles. 5 3 Baltimore Ravens (4-1) Yeah, it was a slugfest out there in Denver that could have gone either way, but here are some things that annoyed me. Why did the Ravens look as if the Broncos really had them on team speed? Why was TE Todd Heap, a former Pro Bowler, dropping so many passes? Ray Lewis, as in "Ray Lewis and the fabulous Ravens defense," is a catcher now instead of a guy who forces plays. Oh, he'll make the stop downfield when things come at him, but where was he when the Broncs were backed up on their own two and muscled their way out to the 39 on nothing but Tatum Bell inside runs? Ray was invisible. And could you believe Jamal Lewis? Have you ever seen a big man run softer? Why did Billick have him in the game at all, and especially in the third quarter, when things really got scary? Finally, in the final period, he lifted him and his collection of one- and two-yard runs, and Musa Smith and Mike Anderson showed us what real running backs are supposed to look like. But what took Billick so long? Was he watching the contest? As for Steve McNair and the way his game fell apart ... well, I can't really see him lasting 11 more outings. Can you? 6 5 Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) I dropped them after a bye because I'm really bitter about teams that make my keynote picks look bad. Which describes almost all of them, doesn't it? 7 6 Seattle Seahawks (3-1) Right, same deal. Can we now leave this depressing drivel, please? 8 8 San Diego Chargers (3-1) That's three in a row. Yep, picked 'em to beat the Ravens and lose to the Steelers. OK, I'm over it now and I'm back to football. Potential stars to watch on this team: Michael Turner, a 237-pound runner who gets off the mark like a shot; Malcolm Floyd, an outsized (6-5, 225) wideout who looks capable of creating some real damage; QB Philip Rivers. Is he for real or what? Is he really as good as he's looked so far, or will he come down to Earth? 9 11 Philadelphia Eagles (4-1) I know I should have them higher, especially after that defensive masterpiece their coordinator, Jim Johnson, spun against Dallas (another team I picked to win, oh God!). Give 'em time. What I hate most is a defensive unit locked into a sedentary four-man rush that shows no imagination, but Johnson creates a constantly moving spectrum of blitzes and twists and zone blitzes, fortified by reserve linemen he can insert at any time. Simply beautiful. 10 9 Atlanta Falcons (3-1) The Giants will be an interesting test. New York's secondary has been had this year, although Washington wasn't up to it, but I don't think much of the Falcons in the air. If they can do one of their adding-machine numbers with rushing yards, then I'll be impressed and it'll be reflected in the rankings, provided, of course, someone makes room for an upward move by Atlanta.