Get ready for your fill of the crabby CBS broadcaster

	March is Billy Packer's time of year. Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

As March Madness approaches, we're all going to spend a lot more time in front of our televisions, with a rainbow of snack crumbs spread on our sweatshirts. It also means we're going to invite CBS lead basketball analyst Billy Packer back into our homes for a month, a time that will make us scream and throw our shoes at the TV and occasionally write angry e-mails to CBS producers that end with "... and only then can you have your puppy back."

It's easy to be critical of Packer's commentary, but it's impossible to slam him for being biased or partial. He hates everything and every team with seemingly genuine equality. Despite living every fan's dream, being paid to watch the best basketball games in the country from a front-row seat, Packer last praised a play in 1965. Since then, it's been nothing but "questionable decisions" and "shaky coaching."

I'm pretty sure that Billy's perfect basketball world exists in an era with no three-point line and no shot clock because people still haven't figured out how to measure time without the aid of the sun. The only game he's seen this year that he enjoyed was the championship in Glory Road. To Packer, it must have had everything: old-school play and a major program like Kentucky getting beaten. If you're a fan of a major college basketball program, you're probably shaking your head and saying, "No way, Billy Packer hates _____ the most! He really has it out for us."

Sorry, but he doesn't have it out for any particular team, just student-athletes and coaches in general. The minute a player steps onto the court, he's in Packer's crosshairs. A player could have a triple double with no turnovers and 45 points, and Packer would only say, "Yeah, but you can't like the way that overbite makes his face look."

It's easy to see how you'd make the mistake that Packer has it out for your boys. Duke fans e-mailed me last week saying I hated the Blue Devils as much as Billy Packer does. North Carolina fans e-mailed saying at least someone doesn't hate the Heels as much as Billy. Somewhere in Utah, there's probably a grandmother trying to figure out G-mail so she can expel years of pent-up Packer hostility. "Can you believe Packer called Michael Doleac soft in 1998? I haven't been able to sleep since!"

Nothing seems too ridiculous to be a target of his rants. Packer could rip the Globetrotters for their lack of fundamentals. You can almost hear him say, "Now I'm all for dunking off a ladder and a trampoline, but you have to put it down with two hands. James Naismith must be rolling in his grave. And that bucket of confetti? This is a travesty!"