I'd rather watch Royals-Pirates than Oscar 'films'

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The Academy Awards show last night might as well have been named Movies I Didn't Watch and Never Will. The Oscars normally promote highbrow fare to begin with, but this year Hollywood went out of its way to make sure none of these flicks will ever make it into my DVD player.

I'm sure Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night and Good Luck, etc., are fine "films," but these don't exactly qualify as "Movies for Guys who Like Movies." Who needs another flick based on a Jane Austen novel (Pride & Prejudice)? I'm worried my old English teachers are going to kidnap me and force me to sit through that one. The Squid and the Whale? I'm guessing it doesn't have a lot of great car chases.

Are any of these efforts worthy of passing up a night of ballgames on the tube? Half the people who go to see these movies can later be heard spouting phrases like, "Philip Seymour Hoffman really captured the gravitas of the man."

Look, I'm happy for Mr. Hoffman that he no longer has to run errands for Burt Reynolds and Roller Girl, but the Academy is getting too predictable with the types of movies it rewards. Biopics like Capote and Walk the Line are a lock to get nominated, as are the Pulp Fiction knockoffs like Crash that employ the interweaving-storylines device.

Like most Americans, I watch movies to escape for a couple of hours. I want to see Batman kicking Qui-Gon Ginn's ass and Kate Beckinsale in leather gunning down werewolves. Harry Potter and gang are always welcome in my living room, as is anything that has space ships blowing up by the dozen or flesh-eating zombies on the loose. And don't get me started on the way the Academy snubs rip-roaring comedies like Wedding Crashers and The 40 Year Old Virgin. Excuse us for wanting a chuckle or two for our $10.50.

Hopefully next year the collection of effete snobs that make up the Academy won't come off as the cool kids who won't let us sit at their lunch table. In the meantime, I'll be voting with my pocketbook.