We're not looking for heroes, we're awarding zeros

	Bode Miller, Marcus Vick, Frank Thomas, Chad Pennington all get Zeros. SI

Since the Oscars are upon us, I think it is only fitting that I present to you the sports version. Being the snarky cynic that I am, the awards will be based on failures, not successes, in the sports world. Remember, as opposed to the Oscars, whose motto is, "There are no losers," in the first Zero Awards, "There are no winners!"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Chad Pennington

You would think that being an injury-prone quarterback and undergoing two shoulder surgeries would humble a guy. Not Chad. The Jets wisely asked Pennington to take a paycut (granted, a HUGE one) because of the uncertainty of his twice-operated on throwing shoulder. Chad would receive $1 million just in case he was never able to throw a football again. He passed. Bad move, Chad. We all thought you were smarter than that. It was you who once said, "It is important to have character, not be a character." You could have shown the organization that insured your grandchildren's wealth that you were a man of good character and EARNED your next few paychecks until proving your shoulder was structurally sound. Not too many teams are interested in a soft-throwing quarterback who has been cut on more than an Erik B and Rakim record. The Jets, for once, actually did the right thing, and you, my friend, did not. For that, Chad Pennington gets A ZERO!

MOST USELESS PROP: The Wonderlic test

So Vince Young reportedly scores a six on the NFL version of the SAT. I think it is safe to assume that a quarterback should score higher than his jersey number on any test. The question I pose to you is, Does this test matter at all in gauging the performance you will get out of a player on Sundays? I want my quarterback reading defenses, not Chaucer. I may be a purist but I want my players to have football smarts, not book smarts. If we begin placing too much importance on the results of the Wonderlic test, athletes may be forced to actually attend classes and learn things. Shudder. When Young takes his Wonderlic test for the third time, may I suggest he scrawl "National Champion" where his name should appear. On the SATs this is worth a quick 200 points. The Wonderlic gets A ZERO!