What would annual letters from sports stars look like?
Posted: Monday December 18, 2006 4:52PM; Updated: Monday December 18, 2006 4:54PM
There was plenty of news on the Terrell Owens front since last year's holiday season.
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When I opened up my mailbox on Friday afternoon, about half a dozen holiday letters came tumbling out. Surely you know of which I speak: those long, indulgent missives allegedly sent to keep old friends up to date on the latest exploits of the Smith or Jones or Theisman family. ("And our little Timmy was just admitted to grad school! Can't believe how time flies!)
Mostly, these letters serve not only as cautionary tales against letting amateur designers loose in Microsoft Word's Project Designer templates, but they also remind us of the shameless human tendency to spin reality into glowing yuletide logs of good news. Usually sent in a red or green envelope.
All the letters I received were from friends or family, but I wondered what it must be like to get letters from some of the sporting world's biggest superstars...
From Terrell Owens
Greetings friends and family! Terrell here, and I have to say it's been an incredible year. Some of you might recall that 2005 was a difficult year for Terrell. While I really enjoyed my time in Philadelphia with my good friend Andy Reid and the amazing Donovan McNabb, the team and I agreed that I should be allowed to rest the last few weeks of the season. I thought, Bring on 2006!
For me, 2006 truly began in March with a new contract from one of the greatest franchises in NFL history, the Dallas Cowboys. My time with the Cowboys has really been fantastic, and all my fans around the NFL have enjoyed seeing me in the blue-and-white. I did have a slight hand injury in September, and then there was this minor incident where I accidentally took a few too many pain pills, but all in all it's been an invigorating last few months. My team is playing great, mostly due to my leadership. Also, I think we might have switched quarterbacks a few weeks ago. Not sure about that.
From Scott Boras
First of all, all my best to you and yours during this most special of seasons. (I'm speaking of the free agency season, of course! LOL!). Let me also note right away that I hope you enjoy the rich Corinthian leather-bound folder -- accompanied by the four-color charts and graphs -- that my annual holiday letter is enclosed in. If mere words don't convince you, the visual aids will definitively reiterate what a tremendous year I've had.
I ended 2006 by helping Johnny Damon, the finest center fielder in the history of baseball, sign a four-year deal with the New York Yankees. And let me tell you, what a super organization the Yankees run. I spent a few weeks this fall working closely with my client J.D. Drew. Mostly through my hard work, I was able to help J.D. get a terrific new contract with the Boston Red Sox, one of the classiest organizations in professional sports.
After that I turned my attention to Daisuke Matsuzaka, an amazing pitcher from Japan who was pursued and signed to a marvelous deal with those same Red Sox. As we head into the 2006 home stretch, I am turning my attention toward one of my favorite clients, Barry Zito, a dazzling young lefty who happens to be a free agent right now.
All my best to everyone out there, and if you're interested in adding Barry Zito to your team, give me a call (my new cell number is embossed on the back of this commemorative folder).
From Allen Iverson
First, please forgive the coffee stains on this letter. If you're wondering why this letter is handwritten and on notebook paper, it's because I decided to do all my holiday greetings by hand this year. While my free time has always been something I've guarded carefully, I've lately found myself with all kinds of bonus time.
This year has been very interesting. During the winter and spring, the Sixers finished the year playing hard and doing our best, going out and competing every night, but we weren't able to crack the playoffs. Hey, sometimes that's the way the ball bounces. I was looking forward to getting back to work this season, but a few weeks ago everything changed. I told the team I'd be interested in playing somewhere else, and the team sent me home.
Since then I've finally had some much-needed rest, and I've caught up on a lot of my morning TV shows. I was as disappointed as the next guy over the cancellation of The Tony Danza Show, but that Rachael Ray is spunky and she sure brings a lot to the table. You might think The View has suffered since Meredith Viera left, but Rosie O'Donnell is doing a heckuva job filling that first chair -- she's entertaining, funny, provocative; she really is the total package.
Anyway, gotta go clean out the gutters and check the chlorine in the indoor pool. All my best to you and yours.
From Peyton Manning
Gosh, is it that time of year again? Time to deck the halls and spend my Saturday nights threading popcorn? Heck, I guess it is! Happy Holidays!
We were hoping that 2006 would begin differently than every other year has since I joined the NFL. But it didn't. Instead I stayed home and watched the Super Bowl with my Dad and brothers, breaking down the game using my DVR and a few dry-erase boards. Eli did a great job on the grill, by the way. I spent the spring working out and taping a new season of NFL Superstars, and then was busy most of the summer filming my latest round of commercials. De-Caf! (Clap! Clap!) Checking to pancakes? Six-5 with a laser arm? All classics, I thought.
This season things have gone pretty well. Our defense has obviously had its struggles, but we're going to get out there as a team and work hard and straighten those problems out before the playoffs start. Because geez, one of these years we've got to make a run. Speaking of runs, time for me to get back to studying this week's audibles. Sure hope everyone enjoys the new Sprint mobile phones I sent out last week.
Lang Whitaker is the online editor of SLAM magazine and writes daily at SLAMonline.com.