If that's not enough for you, common side effects of steroids are aggression and water retention in the neck and head. We've already discussed the cantaloupe, but look at Barry Bonds' aggression. This is the same guy who got into a physical fight with teammate Jeff Kent, threatened to beat any opposing pitcher who dared throw near him and mouthed off to reporters when asked about the possible players strike. And that was just one week in 2002.

"Be aggressive! B-E ... aggressive! B-E ... A-G-G ... R-E-S-S-HULK MAD!!!!"

The question is not whether or not Barry Bonds is on steroids. It's whether or not we care. And I do. Even more than I care that a photo of the Devil Rays' inaugural game looks like Monet's Water Lilies.

I am not opposed to change in baseball. I like the wild card. I'm for contraction (provided one of the teams contracted is the Devil Rays). Granting home field advantage in the World Series to the winner of the All-Star Game was a nice move. ("This time it counts! HULK MAD!") But baseball is a sport of records and statistics, and steroid baseball is a different sport. It's an interesting sport full of home runs and giant foreheads, but a different sport nonetheless.

I don't want Bonds hurt. I couldn't wish physical pain on a human being. But if the effects of steroids push him into retirement, it's only fair. Even if you're rooting for Bonds, you want to see him do this the right way. Or the right-ish way, since it's WAY too late for the right way.

I'm sure that a legion of Bonds fans will disagree with me. And some may even send me overaggressive letters typed with their giant melon heads. "Don't judge him!" they'll say, with their ability to take a joke rivaled only by their ability to spell correctly. "If you were in his shoes that are comically small compared with his hat size, you'd do the same thing!"

Maybe I would. I used Google four separate times in this column.

Steve Hofstetter is a nationally touring comedian whose column appears every Monday morning on SI.com. Catch him live this Saturday at Higher Ground in Burlington. For show information, tickets or to send him poorly worded hate mail, e-mail steve@stevehofstetter.com.