Barry Bonds and the melon have a lot in common

	The shirt says it all about the man's head, which houses his oversized ego and, probably, more than a few seeds. Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

I was in a club, watching a TV on mute when I saw Barry Bonds' Shrek-like forehead come on screen with a blurb that made me think he was retiring. As a baseball purist, the idea made me happy.

Turns out Bonds was just talking about whether he'd retire after the season. But I don't like watching Barry Bonds play. I don't think he's good for the game, and I have never found evidence that he is a nice person.

Remember, this is the same guy whose prenup was voided because his camp had doctored it after it was signed. A prenup between Bonds and a Swedish immigrant who'd only been in the country a month and could barely speak English. Isn't love grand?

Barry Bonds is self-aggrandizing, refuses to accept blame for anything and has a head the size of a cantaloupe. Not just any cantaloupe, either. I mean a prize-winning cantaloupe off the farm of someone who works for a living without blaming the media for poor rainfall. The cantaloupe has something else in common with Barry Bonds: It got much bigger after it was injected with artificial hormones.

I'm kidding. I don't know if the steroids everyone thinks Barry Bonds takes are injected or if he just swallows pills.

I don't have proof that Barry Bonds is juiced. But I don't have reasonable doubt, either. A human head isn't supposed to grow like that. Barry Bonds has the ego of a Nobel Prize-winning supermodel astronaut and, amazingly, his ogre-like head still dwarfs it.

"But he hits so many home runs!" you say. "I like home runs! He's doing something that I like, so therefore he can't possibly be on steroids! BARRY WOULDN'T BETRAY ME!"

Let's look at this logically. Bonds started as a base-stealing threat with ho-hum power. Not during his rookie season, but for the first six years of his career. He hit more than 25 home runs once in the first six years he played professional baseball. Hank Aaron hit more than 25 home runs in five of his first six seasons. Babe Ruth did it in all six of his first seasons as a position player. You'll find similar stats for Willie Mays, Frank Robinson, Harmon Killebrew, Reggie Jackson and every other great home run hitter not named Sosa. Home run hitters don't blossom in their seventh year in the majors. They are genetically engineered.