Watching paintball really is like watching paint dry

	Participating in paintball and watching paintball are two entirely different experiences. Tom Shaw/Getty Images

I was shocked this week when I flipped to ESPN2 and found the U.S. Paintball Championships. So shocked that I had to watch an entire broadcast. And it was about as entertaining as, well, watching paint dry.

I love playing paintball, and I wish there were more paintball courses. But the reason I love playing paintball is because playing paintball is exciting. It is not exciting to watch other people play paintball. Even if they have cool team names like Chicago Evil Factory. (And I thought Eliot Ness closed the Chicago Evil Factory.) I am sure that those at the top level of the competitive-paintball world have tons of skill and athleticism. But the same can be said for bike messengers, and I don't want to watch the national delivery championships.

Let's start with the camera's inability to capture the game as it's played. You know how it's tough to see a golf ball on TV? Imagine something much smaller, traveling at speeds hundreds of times faster. We can't possibly see any of the paintballs. But at least we can see people getting shot, right? Isn't that why we watch the news? Well, when paintball players get hit, they're so used to it that they don't react -- they just stand up and walk off the course. Then, during their interview with the overly excited commentators, we can watch the paint dry.

My next problem is that ESPN billed it as "The U.S. Paintball Championships," even though the event is actually called the "Super 7 World Series" and there are teams from other countries playing. But Americans don't watch the World Cup, so why would they watch the World Championships of paintball? ESPN is just pretending it's the national championship, and no one knows the difference. That's the mark of a true sport -- one whose fans don't even know what the heck the athletes are playing for.