Sad Clarett saga grows weirder by the minute

	Maurice Clarett found himself in trouble yet again last week. AP

So Maurice Clarett got into a train wreck. Oh, I'm sorry, that's just his life.

The name Clarett used to be heard in conversations about the Heisman and the first round of the NFL draft. Now the name is most often heard as a punch line. "Did you hear the one about the guy who spent his life in prison?"

By now you probably know about Clarett's entry into Real Stories of the Highway Patrol. Early last Wednesday, cops tried to stop Clarett after he was spotted taking an illegal U-turn and weaving in and out of traffic like it was the Miami defense. Clarett eventually went the wrong way on a highway, which was hardly the first time he has taken a wrong turn. Cops provided his SUV with a few flat tires, and the incident didn't end without Clarett providing newspapers with a few headlines. See, the police failed to subdue him with a stun gun since he happened to be wearing his bullet-proof vest. His what?

Police found four guns in the vehicle, including an assault rifle. They covered Clarett's mouth so he wouldn't spit on them -- and to save him the embarrassment of screaming, "Don't you know who I ... um ... used to be?"

But that's not the end of the story. After a judge set Clarett's bail at $5 million on Thursday, a judge ordered a psychiatric evaluation of Clarett on Friday. But Maurice, for some reason, tried to refuse. Perhaps the only thing crazier than Maurice Clarett right now is him thinking he's not crazy. It reminds me of that scene in Seven when Brad Pitt asks if insane people know they're insane.

Maybe Clarett is crazy, and maybe he isn't. I know I'm interested in a licensed physician's opinion at this point; Clarett should be interested, too. Perhaps he doesn't want the evaluation because he doesn't want the world thinking he's crazy. Hey, then maybe he should stop doing crazy things.

The details that came out this weekend were even stranger. It seems that Clarett's lawyer, Michael Hoague, is alleging that this is all a conspiracy and that Clarett was completely cooperative. Hoague alleges that Clarett wasn't spitting on cops, he was spitting out the blood in his mouth from being punched while he was obviously not resisting arrest. Hoague alleges that Clarett had the guns in his car because he had everything he owned in his car. And he wasn't planning on skipping town due to his previous assault charge -- he was just, uh, moving, uh, after midnight. And the bullet-proof vest? Well, that's uh, um, uh, hey, look over there!

Much like Clarett was for an entire season while at Ohio State, my disbelief is officially suspended. Many writers are saying that Clarett is a cautionary tale, and I agree -- but not for the reasons they're giving. Sebastian Janikowski pulled some similar mischief and made out just fine. Perhaps that's because he never missed a year of eligibility. Clarett doesn't teach us to obey the law -- just that if you're going to start completely disregarding the law, make sure you're on a roster first.

Clarett used to be. It was less than four years ago that he was an 18-year-old freshman scoring the winning touchdown in the national championship game. Then came the allegations of favoritism in classes, the false police report, the NCAA violations, the suspension and the failed NFL lawsuit. Now he's a 22-year-old who had less of a NFL career than Ryan Leaf.

And Clarett had more than one second chance. Ohio State reported that it found no evidence of favoritism. Clarett escaped possible jail time when a judge only fined him $100 for a false police report. And the Broncos actually drafted the guy. But a few months after Clarett was cut due to injury, he found himself behind a bar during an alleged robbery, much like the eight ball he's been behind since a few days after his freshman year. (That's a figurative eight ball -- as far as we know, Clarett's résumé does not include drug charges.)

I hope Clarett finds a way to clean up his life. Maybe he's not crazy, or if he was, this was enough to shock him back into reality. If he cleans up, Clarett could make a decent living as a motivational speaker -- he could call it "How I Went from Touchdown to Lockdown." Now if only Clarett could take an illegal U-turn in time and drive himself back to 2002.

Steve Hofstetter is a nationally touring comedian whose column appears every Monday on SI.com. See more at myspace.com/comedy or send him hate mail about why the "Buckeyes rule!" at steve@stevehofstetter.com.

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