Photo Illustration by John Ueland

By Steve Rushin

Keeping track of all the miscreants in sports -- from liquored-up trees to larcenous wideouts -- is a dirty job, and nobody has to do it. But Steve Rushin did it anyway:

THE MOON NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH UMPIRE
Line judges at Wimbledon split 60 pairs of trousers while bending over during matches.

PUTTING THE STICK'EM BACK IN "STICK'EM UP"
Former Florida State receiver Fred Rouse, charged with burglarizing the house of an ex-teammate, allegedly left a wide receiver's glove with his uniform number on it at the scene.

WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING, OR EVEN ANYTHING
Lions receiver Roy Williams defended his celebration of a first-down catch, with his team trailing the Bears 10-0, by saying, "The score means nothing."

PEASANT COMPANY EXCEPTED
After he and his wife adopted a baby, Shea Hillenbrand, then the Blue Jays DH, complained to a group of sportswriters, "Not one person in the front office has even come up to congratulate me. It's all the little people, like you guys. But nobody from higher up. That's a disgrace."

ERRIN' SPELLING
A billboard in Amarillo, Texas, congratulating Caitlin Campbell on her eighth-place finish at the Scripps National Spelling Bee spelled her name "Cambell."

PROCRASTINATION NATION
Sixteen years after he sent a baseball card to Phillies pitcher Don Carman, 23-year-old Doug Ferraro of Bensalem, Pa., received the signed card in the mail, along with a note that read, "Sorry for the delay."

BUT HIS SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE TICKETS WERE MISSING
Thirty-five years after dropping his wallet under the bleachers during a high school basketball game, 49-year-old Gary Karafiat had it returned by maintenance workers.

RAMONCING THE STONED
Texas running back Ramonce Taylor called police to a fight but was arrested when cops found four pounds of marijuana in his car.

WHY NOT JUST PLAY IN A TUTU?
Nashville Predator Jordin Tootoo changed his jersey number to 22.

JACK AND COKE WENT UP THE HILL ...
Floyd Landis said that Jack Daniels might have been to blame for the positive drug test that cost him the Tour de France.