News? Not Really
Noah Looking To Annoy People On NBA Level Next Year
Posted: Wednesday April 4, 2007 12:31PM; Updated: Wednesday April 4, 2007 2:02PM
This story is not real. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. All quotes are fictional and any similarity to actual quotes is coincidental.
ATLANTA--With his Junior year behind him, Florida forward Joakim Noah is planning to leave school and go pro next season, where he is looking forward to annoying people on an NBA level. The wild, outspoken star has been annoying college fans for years, and feels he is finally ready for the big time.
"I'm definitely going pro," said a delirious, wild-eyed Noah, moments after clinching his second straight national championship. "If anybody thinks they've seen annoying from me, they haven't seen anything yet. I'm going to go completely crazy when I get to the NBA."
Noah then walked to center court, removed his shirt, and performed a dance that resembled the mating ritual of the South American water fowl. When he was done, he once again reiterated his desire to be a total spastic retard in the bright lights of the NBA.
"Doing it on this level is one thing, but doing it in the pros is going to be a totally different," Noah said. "There are a lot of annoying people in the NBA, but eventually, I'm going to surpass all of them. Have you ever seen me during the games? I get all geeked-up over made free throws. I crapped my pants when someone executes a nice inbound pass. If I ever win an NBA title, forget it. They're going to have to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart. "
Noah says being annoying comes naturally to him and helps give him an edge over the competition.
"I think I definitely get into guys' heads the way I act," Noah said. "I'm always pumping my fist and shouting things, and there's always spit and sweat flying everywhere, and if I was on the other team I'd just want to punch me. Sometimes I just want to punch myself. Hey, maybe I should try that. After my next big basket I'll just wallop myself upside the head. At the very least it will make everybody else in America extremely jealous."
On his way back to the locker room, Noah approached teammate Corey Brewer from behind, jumped on his back, and tackled him to the ground. He then proceeded to slam Brewer's head into the floor repeatedly, in celebration of their second straight national title. Afterwards, a dazed Brewer pulled himself to his feet and praised his teammate.
"Joakim is a real great guy," said Brewer. "He brings so much passion and excitement to the game. He's just a big ball of energy. It's contagious, too. When he gets to the NBA, watch out. It's going to be awesome. I just hope we're not teammates. Honestly, the guy exhausts me."
In the Gators locker room, Noah was the life of the party, spraying his teammates with champagne, performing an impromptu rap song, and dirty-dancing with a mortified Billy Packer.
"Get this freaking kid away from me," Packer told coach Billy Donovan, as Noah grinded against him. "I'm serious. This isn't funny. Tell him to stop. That's it. I'm leaving. Sorry, but I have better taste in women than that."
After Packer left, Donovan defended his star player.
"Joakim means well, he's just a little retarded," said Donovan, his arm around Noah's shoulders. "Do I consider him annoying? Not really. I just think he's a young kid with loads of passion and he's unable to keep it bottled up. He's going to be a great player on the next level, and I predict he'll be known more for his talent than for his behavior. Right, buddy? Joakim? Joakim? Please stop biting me."
Dave Saraiva is the author of thebrushback.com. Click here to buy his book, The Brushback Report: All the Sports News That's Unfit to Print.