LSU takes over top spot in SIOC's new-look rankings

Theodore B. Bressman

In the spirit of All-Sport, the dangerously unhealthy, carbonated sports beverage that was taken off the market due to serious medical risks, the All-Sports Rankings are now a thing of the past. Just like the lemon-flavored drink and unofficial sponsor of the ASR's, Ohio State's continued dominance was starting to leave a bitter taste in my mouth. No matter how you sliced it, Ohio St. was No. 1 across the board. Not even JFK's father could have influenced those polls.

Not only does LSU have Big Baby (and a cool mascot), but one of the school's professors just discovered a new species of lizard. Gary Bogdan/SI

So for all you lunatics who riped the ASR's in sports chatrooms like VolNation, there's a new sheriff in town, and it's called "Campus Rankings."

No longer are we slaves to some spread sheet and the results of men's and women's gymnastics. No longer must we heed numerical strictures, because the last time I checked, there's no numerical value for heart, and THAT is what college sports are truly about. So here we go. The first ever edition of Campus Rankings.

And for the record, the criteria for the Campus Rankings is simple: THERE IS NO CRITERA!

1) LSU -- Not only does LSU have a top ten women's basketball program and that dude Glen Davis, it's discovering new animals in Asia! It has just been confirmed that during a research trip to Malaysia, LSU biology professor Chris Austin discovered a new species of lizard. "It's as simple as it sounds," Austin said. "Most kids who are interested in [snakes and lizards] go in their backyard and flip over rocks and flip over logs. That's how professional biologists do it as well." Well, science, you've done it again.

2) Wisconsin -- The men's basketball team is 21-2 and 7-2 in the conference. Led by the sticky pollinated fingers of Michael Flowers, who's averaging almost two steals per game, the Badgers have executed their trademark slow offense and stifling defense almost flawlessly this season. But Flowers isn't the only guy on campus who has sticky fingers. Apparently, a student named Anthony R. Gallagher (no relation to Peter) was recently picked up for collecting parking fines from his fellow students by giving them false tickets. His innovative approach to theft, and the school's sick athletics, definitely place Wisconsin in the Top 10 for the week's rankings.

3) North Carolina -- Coach Roy Williams and his band of jokers traveled to No. 17 Arizona last weekend and straight shellacked the Wildcats, 92-64. The matchup was a somewhat curious scheduling decision by Williams and the Tar Heel athletic department, since the team rarely breaks conference play this time of year, but it obviously turned out well. The only question about the 19-2 Tarheels is exactly how good the Pac-10 actually is.

4) Virginia Tech -- It's astonishing that the 16-5 Hokies are number 16 in the country when Coach K and his lot of phonies are ranked eighth. So what if the Hokies have home losses to Western Michigan and George Washington and that they dropped a close game at Marshall about a month ago? They're the second best team in the ACC. Last time I checked, the ACC was the best conference in the country -- at least since Conference USA disbanded due to an overall graduation rate of zero.

5) Harvard -- Now that the criteria for cracking the top ten is a bit more lax, I figured it was time to throw an Ivy League school into the mix. I mean, with the success of music man Tim Urban and three-time Olympic hockey player Angela Ruggiero in this season of The Apprentice, Harvard is finally on the map! Throw in a nationally-ranked hockey team and a JV men's basketball team that struggled with young talent but clawed its way to a 4-4 overall record, and Harvard has definitely earned its place on this week's list.

6) Wichita State -- Everyone wrote off the men's basketball team after it dropped out of the top ten rankings and went on a little mid-season skid, but with M-Rod's wife out of the hospital and a huge road victory against Northern Iowa last night, the 15-8 Shockers might still have a few shocks of wheat left in their horn of plenty. When all is said and done, Wichita St. may look back on the season in the knowledge that it peaked at the right time. Their matchup against the Salukis of Southern Illinois this weekend will let us know once and for all if the Shockers are the truth.

7) Tennessee -- The Athletics Department is asking fans to help "Paint the Town Orange" for the men's and women's games against Kentucky next weekend. Let's just hope they've introduced non-lead-based paints to the South or this little pep rally might be as big a disaster as the one at The Max when Zach injured himself before the big race against Valley.

8) UCLA -- Who cares if the Bruins were upset by Stanford and that every person who has ever been filed in the university's database is probably a victim of identity theft? The quality of life in Westwood is incredible and the men's basketball team is simply taking the L's to build the necessary character for postseason play. The task of any coach is to get his players to peak at the right time, and achieve greatness.

9) Florida -- SI On Campus recently reported that Joakim Noah has disappointed NBA scouts because of his bizarre shooting style. Well, I played against him in high school, and trust me, scouts, that form is here to stay. Christ, he's been shooting like Bill Cartwright since we played at the 92nd Street Y when we were in ninth grade. Still, Noah will probably go in the first round, to a great team like Phoenix, whereby the prophecy might finally come to fruition: the rebirth of Joakim Phoenix!

10) Iona -- This was a very tough decision, considering the men's basketball team has zero wins and twenty-one losses, but the truth is that you couldn't expect them to do much better after losing lefty sensation Steve Burtt. And anyway, it could be worse. At least they're not zero and twenty-two.

So that rounds out the first edition of Campus Rankings. We've laughed at times. Sometimes we haven't been as happy, but c'est la vie. That is the nature of ranking things.