The scoop on a CFB playoff, Duke haters and Scott Baio

By Patrick Irving

With college sports on summer hiatus, SIOC took some time to answer reader questions.

We're wouldn't go so far as to say that God hates Duke, but the school won't win any popularity contests among college students. Bob Leverone/Sporting News/Icon

Why does everyone hate Duke?
-- Mike Kosh, West Bloomfield, MI

Everyone loves a winner -- except, of course, when that winner is constantly pummeling your favorite team. So, obviously some of the Blue Devil bashing exists because of the hoops squad's three National Championships, 14 Final Four appearances and 55 All-American selections. But there is more to it than that.

Duke University is swimming in money -- and we're talking old south tobacco money, too (if you know what I'm saying). Also, the school's academics are widely considered on par with those of the Ivy League (Nerds!). And the students (those cursing and bouncing at Cameron anyway) look like they just stepped off the cover of "Screw You Quarterly."

But I guess the preceding paragraph could describe Vanderbilt, too. So, yeah, it's mostly the winning.

How come Paris Hilton never went to college?
-- Rene Matthews, Austin, TX

She blew the SAT's.

Why is (USC freshman basketball player) O.J. Mayo getting so much heat?
-- Brian Hopkins, New York, NY

Some of it is unfair. He's a big time prospect who's been in the spotlight for a long time, and it appears no one has ever bothered to tell him "no" to anything. Of course he's going to showboat and push boundaries a little. He's just a kid. That being said, he'll be 20 this fall and old enough to be held accountable for his decisions, so let's hope he starts seeking out good advice (God knows Tim Floyd won't do him any good).

Here, let me start: Hey, O.J., you know how some people credit you with shrewd business acumen for choosing to play ball in Los Angeles because of the "marketing opportunities?" Hmm, you may want to reevaluate that. Not only do you voluntarily call yourself "O.J." but you have decided to attend the Juice's alma mater, too? What sponsor are you courting, Double Homicides 'R' Us?

How come there's no "I" in "team"?
-- Chris Finley, Stamford, CT

Because then it would be misspelled. Hi-yo! Seriously, for the same reason that records were made to be broken: so broadcasters don't have to think of anything new to say. That's just as well, though, considering most original thoughts from the booth are either misused statistics or network promotional copy -- at least that cliché is technically correct ... 110% of the time.

How is Scott Baio is 45 ... and single?
-- Greg Nussbaum, Sterling, VA

Because he didn't save enough money when he was 25 and employed.

Why are there are no playoffs in Division 1-A college football?
-- Joe Flynn, Columbus, Ohio

Despite all the time and words wasted on past, present and future pontificating, this issue could not be any simpler: The decision makers (big, rich, "powerhouse" schools) have too much to lose (all the money that comes with being a big, rich powerhouse in the current bowl system) and too little to gain (the CHANCE at marginally more money).

That's it. The powerhouse presidents parade out arguments such as "a playoff will diminish the regular season" (oh, like in the lowly NFL?!) and "it will be too much of a distraction for the student-athletes at exam time" (no snappy parenthetical needed) in order to poison the waters and get everyone arguing back and forth about smoke and mirrors. Kinda like how politicians get re-elected by threatening the impending invasion of gay-marrying, flag-burning, socialized medicine-loving Commies.

Of course the students, fans and athletes would love the playoff games. Of course the big, fat money pie would be bigger and fatter than ever. But until there's a guarantee that the schools running the show now will get their same Augustus Gloop-sized slice of it, they're gonna stick with the devil they know.

Why do I hit the ball straight off the fairway, but slice everything off the tee?
-- Frank Hillmann, Forest Hills, NY

Because you're not good.

Why won't Scarlett Johansson return my many, many phone calls?
-- Don Bradley, Cleveland, OH

Because I have her tied up in my basement.

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Patrick Irving writes and edits the popular website Scriptedsports.com.