The scoop on Lindsay Lohan, Big Ten expansion and more

By Patrick Irving

With college sports on summer hiatus, SIOC opened up the mailbox and answered some reader questions.

Whether it's betting on sports games or Bret Michaels' lovelife, gambling is an American pastime that's here to stay. Gary Gershoff/WireImage

Fine, we all knew the NBA was fixed, but how do I know that college hoops is safe from something like this?
-- Kevin Packer, Rapid City, Iowa

You don't. And not because there is some great conspiracy out there or we're a nation of crooks, but simply because people enjoy gambling. Have you ever met anyone who likes to wager on sporting events, horse races, casino tables, slot machines, scratch tickets or church bingo? You have?! That's weird.

And, sure, most of us don't have a problem (ahem), but the more competitive you are, the more likely you are to gamble on whatever interests you, whether it's betting a two-team parlay in basketball or wagering $20 in the office pool on which skank Bret Michaels will choose to "rock his world" (psst, inside tip: it's the really skanky one).

Guess what trait most big-time referees have (and need)? Competitiveness. Almost all of them are ex-jocks. So, yes, even though 99-plus percent of the time they will have it under control or abstain from gambling altogether, all the background checks in the world won't stop this from happening again on some level.

But relax. They will be very few and very far between, and you'll hardly ever notice. Unless the home underdog doesn't cover ... then something is definitely up.

Should I go see The Simpsons Movie?
- Kyle Bennett, Peekskill, N.Y.

Yes! If you like the show at all you will love the movie. If you're not a fan of the show, well, you wouldn't bother asking would you?

Honestly, I'd recommend the flick just to reward the respectable marketing campaign. How much more enjoyable (read: tolerable) are fun characters shilling for movies via cheeseburger commercials than bored and awkward actors limping through six minutes of summer vacation stories on a talk show?

Maybe I'd recommend dropping $10 on Hairspray if they gave us a 30-second spot with John Travolta in drag hawking Aqua Net ... on second thought ... just go see The Simpsons Movie.

Will Lindsay do jail time?
-- Jason Hill, Glendale, CA

No. My guess is a judge confines her to a movie theater and forces her to watch Herbie Fully Loaded for 72 straight hours.

Would you rather have Gary "steroids are something you shoot in your butt" Sheffield as your doctor or Michael Vick as your vet?
-- Bart Kreme, Buffalo, N.Y.

I would rather have Vick as my vet. I'm pretty sure my dog's opinion would vary, though.

Will our country watch more soccer now that the Beckhams are here?
-- Caitlin Richardson, Cincinnati, Ohio

Sure. As soon as we get back from that big Spice Girls concert.

Kimberly Bell, better known as Barry Bonds' mistress, will appear in the October issue of Playboy. AP

Is Barry Bonds proud or embarrassed that his former mistress is in Playboy?
-- Lisa Davis, Lafayette, La.

Proud that she got in; but embarrassed that she never would have made it without the "former Bonds mistress" tag.

In the last "Ask SIOC," you implied that Duke was founded and funded by slave money when you referenced "old south tobacco money (if you know what I'm sayin')." Not only is that a cheap shot, but it is untrue. I expect a retraction.
-- Andy Tyler, Durham, N.C.

I simply meant some of the families associated with the school have had great wealth for several generations. Slave money, huh, Andy from Durham? That is a very interesting point. Thanks for bringing it up.

What's up with just dissing Duke? Why don't you beat up on Notre Dame a little?
-- Joey Tuttle, Bloomington, Ind.

We'll just wait 'til October and let USC take care of it.

Isn't Stephen Colbert hilarious?
-- Sam Ferguson, Theforties, N.Y.

I know what you are doing here. Everyone knows Mr. Colbert loves giving shout-outs to anyone or anything that mentions his name. Well I'm not going to play ball. This is a cheap and desperate attempt by you to get maybe five seconds of fame on what is quite possibly the funniest show of all time.

Sure, Stephen is a comedy god. The fact that you need some kind of outside validation of that fact really makes me question your integrity, though. In fact, the Prince of Punditry would see right through your little ruse. I know he would. Do you know why? Because he is a genius, that's why. And I, Patrick Irving, would NEVER stoop so low as to pimp out myself or my Web site for the miniscule but wonderful chance those stern but fair brown (blue?) eyes would look directly into the camera and tell the world that he acknowledges that I exist. Shame on you.

Should the Big Ten add another team?
-- Bill Jeffries, Canton, Ohio

Why not? They're already at 11. That is, if you count Northwestern. Hi-yo!

But seriously, other than rendering the conference's name even less accurate, what is the downside? Twelve teams will likely lead to the creation of two divisions and a title game to decide the football championship. That's great!

The Big Ten Championship Game will put up huge numbers -- and there will be nary a spectator who watches it who wasn't still glued to the tube for Michigan vs. Ohio State a few weeks prior. There is no risk of diminishing the regular season. Fans will get a bonus game -- of two great teams -- and the schools will make a nice chunk of change in the process.

And the lucky athletes will play one extra week with no compensation. It's perfect!

If you have a question for SIOC, email us here (and don't forget to include your name and town in the message).

Patrick Irving writes and edits the popular Web site Scripted Sports.