Paris at Notre Dame? Lorenzen v. Spears and Mich-ND talk

By: Patrick Irving

You've got questions, SIOC's got answers ...

Now that her legal problems appear to be out of the way, will Paris Hilton find a new home in South Bend? AP

Is it okay to kick Notre Dame while they're down?
- Bill Allen, Buffalo, NY

No. That's not very nice at all. The low-key, humble supporters of the Fighting Irish would never do such a thing to you. It would be different if they were obnoxious braggarts with no regard for how little anyone else cares about their perennially overrated team.

But they're not. So they should not have to put up with cheap shots like this:

Notre Dame is so desperate to score ... they just offered Paris Hilton a full ride.

Will you please spread the rumor that I, too, am dating Maria Sharapova?
- Paul Ellis, Seattle, WA

No.

Why did the NCAA change the names of Division 1-A and Division 1-AA to the Bowl Subdivision and Championship Subdivision, respectively?
- Nick Capito, Naples, FL

It's difficult to say for sure, but the meeting probably went something like this:

NCAA DUDE #1: Hey, I know these 1-A and 1-AA distinctions are short, clear and easy to say, but I'd be really pumped if we could make them longer, cumbersome and more confusing.

NCAA DUDE #2: I agree. And while we're at it, let's have these new names draw more attention to the fact that there are no playoffs in 1-A.

NCAA DUDE #3: Ooh! Let's not only draw attention to it, but let's rub it in people's faces.

Then they all high-fived.

What will be the key thing to look for during the Michigan vs. Notre Dame game?
- Bruce Koshinski, Chicago, IL

The remote ... so you can switch to Florida vs. Tennessee. Have you been drunk for the past two weeks?

Which Sunday evening performance was more disgraceful: Britney Spears revealing she can no longer sing or Jared Lorenzen revealing he can no longer run five yards without having a heart attack?
- Jenny Jarrel, St. Louis, MO

We're not sure who's in worse shape -- Britney Spears or Jared Lorenzen? Kevin Winter/Getty Images; AP

Apples and oranges, but this helpful haiku should cover both spectacles from their perspective:

Bouncing and wadd'ling
Shocked and giggling faces
I need to lie down

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
- Jay Parker, New York, NY

Doing 12-15 in San Quentin.

Is Tommy Tubberville going to get fired?
- George Nevins, Charlotte, NC

Probably not, because despite a miserable loss to South Florida -- and a tough SEC schedule -- he has proven himself a legendary spin master.

This week he defended his embattled friend (and head coach of Saturday's opponent Mississippi State) Sylvester Croom and his on-the-hot-seat 10-26 career record by saying, in part, "I'm sure he's got a ten year plan."

Hey, who doesn't? Slinging bull like that should keep Tubberville employed for a while. Here are some of his talking points for the next few weeks:

9/29: Sure Urban Meyer is undefeated, but is he really happy?

10/6: Hey, these Vanderbilt kids are SMART! No shame in losing to them.

11/24: Well Alabama certainly is due -- plus everyone seems to like that Nick Saban.

Where did I come from?
- Justin Muldoon, Philadelphia, PA

Uh ... wine coolers and bad luck?

How do I know when to drop a class?
- Eric Barnes, Los Angeles, CA

This is not a decision that should be taken likely. Don't forget, despite all the horseplay and shenanigans, college is for learning.

That being said, if you can answer "yes" to at least three of these questions then you should probably drop the class:

Did you fail the first test?

Did you fail to show up more than three times already?

Is this class before 11 a.m.?

Is this class after 3 p.m.?

Is this class on a Friday?

Can the textbook for this class be sold right now for greater than $20?

Have you already sold the textbook for this class?

Has the professor seen you with your shirt off? (women only)

Has the professor seen you with your shirt off and a painted chest? (men and women)

Can you "easily make it up later dude"?

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Patrick Irving is a professional wise-ass. Treat yourself to his popular website http://www.scriptedsports.com/