Comparing college football teams to celebrities

Like Renée Zellweger, Wisconsin, Ohio State, Virginia Tech and Nebraska have the ability to look great one day and awful the next. AP

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By Ty Hildenbrandt

Question: What's the difference between how we rank college football teams and how the general public picks its favorite celebrities?

Answer: Not much.

It never ceases to amaze me how much credence we put in college football's weekly polls. We take the whole system so seriously, as if the heavens hand-delivered the top 25 on a stone tablet, or an Einsteinian formula figured out the whole thing on a supercomputer.

In reality, the process of ranking teams is so similar to how we pick our favorite stars that it hurts. All the same criteria apply -- looks, personality, talent, and body of work -- and all the same biases come into play. For example, why do some women prefer George Clooney over Brad Pitt? Why do some men prefer Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston? And how the hell does Jimmy Fallon keep getting movie deals? It's subjectivity at its finest.

So I'm proposing we ditch the digits and bridge the gap between our favorite sport and our favorite icons. Instead of assigning rankings, let's assign names. It'll be much easier on everyone involved, and we might even realize how unscientific college football's scientific method actually is...

The Paris Hilton: Teams with plenty of glitz and glamour but extremely shaky talent

Notre Dame

The Shia LaBeoufs: Teams on the upswing despite no recognizable faces

Rutgers, South Florida, Troy

The Tom Cruises: Teams that have the talent but seem destined to sprout multiple, potentially crazy personalities

Penn State, UCLA, Clemson

The Tiger Woodses: Teams that have become mortal locks to win every week

USC, LSU, Florida, Oklahoma

The Renée Zellwegers: Teams only look good in the right situations

Wisconsin, Ohio State, Virginia Tech, Nebraska

The Jim Carreys: One-dimensional teams that refuse to admit they are one-dimensional

Hawaii, Missouri, Louisville, Oregon

The Ruben Studdards: Teams that seem most likely to pull a disappearing act

South Carolina, Texas A&M, Boston College, Florida State

The Rodney Dangerfields: Teams that will bark about not getting the respect they deserve

Georgia, Texas

The Natalie Portmans: Underrated teams with real talent, impressive bodies of work, and stability

West Virginia, Cal

WHEN THE GAMES ARE PLAYED ON PAPER

Sorry Andre Woodson, your Kentucky squad is simply not getting the respect it deserves. AP

Imagine you're André Woodson, the quarterback of the previously unranked Kentucky Wildcats. Congratulations, you just beat the Louisville Cardinals, your in-state rival and a top 10 team. Awesome.

For your efforts, um, we'll just continue saying that Louisville is the better team. Yes, yes ... that's exactly what we'll do. We'll rank them ahead of you regardless of the outcome. You'll thank us someday!

And that's the voice of the proverbial "man," sticking it to teams since the inception of the college football ranking system. This week, he's got a ring through the nose of the Wildcat football program, and he's yanking it around like it's a dancing bear.

As always, it doesn't make a lick of sense. None of it. And when baloney like this eventually influences the national championship picture, I have a major problem with that.

PETE CARROLL NOW IMITATING BIBLICAL CHARACTERS

You know, the last time someone parted the Red Sea so effectively, the guy took directives from a burning bush and earned a leading role in the Bible. It remains unclear if Pete Carroll saw the same phenomenon as Moses, but it's obvious that he and his magical staff replicated same feat -- with some help from an offensive line -- on the road in Lincoln.

Moral of the story: USC's offense could've run to Egypt and back on Saturday night while its line dominated Nebraska in the trenches and paved the way for more than 300 rushing yards. And they made it look effortless. I stand by my original assertion it would take you approximately 15 years in any EA Sports video game to build a team with USC's stable of athletes.

GET OFF THE FENCE: 10 QUESTIONS THAT COULD IMPACT YOUR FALL

We think Hulk Hogan has a more ferocious personality than Dog the Bounty Hunter. Do you agree? Frederick M. Brown, Paul Hawthorne - Getty Images

1. More overplayed sports story? New England Patriots' "Spygate" / Notre Dame's winless start

2. Likelier O.J. Simpson alibi? Getting back "his stuff" / Searching for the "real killers"

3. More impressive Saturday showing? LSU / USC

4. Softest Saturday showing? UCLA / UCLA

5. Better rapper name? T-Pain / Yung Joc

6. More delusional analyst? Lee Corso / Lou Holtz

7. Shiftier moves? DeSean Jackson (Cal) / C.J. Spiller (Clemson)

8. More ferocious personality? Hulk Hogan / Dog the Bounty Hunter

9. Sneakier hot cheerleaders? Nebraska / Wisconsin

10. Next undefeated to fall? Alabama / Penn State

LEAVE YOUR PRAIRIE VIEW ANALOGIES AT THE DOOR, THANK YOU

Kudos to the Duke Blue Devils, who rallied behind the golden arm of Thaddeus Lewis and inched out a 20-14 win on the road over Northwestern, ending the nation's longest active losing streak at 22 games. Safe is the record of 80 consecutive losses by the Prairie View A&M Panthers. Exhale now, Duke fans.

Despite being on the Big Ten Network, this game had some real relevance and raised a few interesting questions. For starters, how terrible is Northwestern for losing this game? Second, in an abysmal ACC, could Duke be the fifth most watchable team? And third, would Duke actually be favored over Notre Dame if they played this coming weekend?

COLLEGE GAMEDAY BY THE TRENDS

ESPN's College Gameday has quickly developed a cult following since it started broadcasting live from college campuses back in 1993. But does having College Gameday on your campus make your team more or less likely to win the big game?

With some help from Wikipedia and an archive of regular season scores from the last 14 years, I've discovered the following: Schools playing host to College Gameday are a combined 82-60 with a .577 winning percentage. Let's keep this between us and call it the "Gameday advantage," though it isn't much of one. If you're really hard-pressed for an edge, it might suit your fancy.

CULTURE CORNER

I didn't want to touch on this last week while everyone was still frothing at the mouth, but is it possible that Britney Spears' showing at the VMAs capped the most dramatic fall from grace in recorded human history? I ask this sincerely. Five years ago, Britney sat atop the Forbes Celebrity 100 list with $39.2 million in earnings and had more web hits than Michael Jordan, Madonna, and U2. Only a year later, she pulled a Michigan and fell out of the rankings entirely. Now, she's dancing around like my uncle at a wedding and is ranked somewhere below Bobby Flay.

Perhaps someone from Forbes could offer more detailed analysis, but for my money, Britney's taken the biggest nose dive any of us will ever witness. And for some reason, it never gets old.

GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE: PERCEPTIVE EMAIL OF THE WEEK

From Josh L. at USC:

Ty,

That's right, Dane Cook gets the prize for the longest, most desperate-for-a-laugh jokes. He should be exiled to Bulgaria. It makes me sad to think that this generation of comedic actors is best represented by the likes of a [expletive] like him. Hollywood comedy is quickly becoming irrelevant.

Exiled to Bulgaria, huh? Hmm ... I was thinking more along the lines of Elba or that place where Tom Hanks washed ashore in Cast Away. Preferably somewhere without running water or communication with the outside world.

Ty Hildenbrandt writes Campus Quick Slants every Wednesday. Email Ty at tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com with your comments, questions and random observations.