Categorizing fans, the Big 12's fade route and more

We'll put this South Florida fan squarely in the category of "The Team Mascot." AP

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By Ty Hildenbrandt

All season, college football fans have been looking for stable ground. You know, a few teams that wouldn't give way -- other than USC and LSU -- if you leaned on them for a big win. But so far, that plan has submarined like Vanessa Hudgens' reputation. And who knows if things will ever become less volatile.

As five of the nation's top 10 teams bit the bullet this past weekend, I found myself re-evaluating the system and searching for answers. With the polls out of whack and in obvious disagreement, I've come to the conclusion that the only constant in college football -- other than gravity -- is the fans that watch it.

So with all due respect to Mitch Albom, and in this time of complete disarray, I feel it's necessary to trot out the only things you can count on the next time you go to a college football game. After years of intense observation, allow me to introduce you to the Thirteen People You Meet in Your Student Section ...

"Old School"

Using his college ID from 1985, this seedy alum is no longer a student but still manages his way into the student section. After years of diminishing tolerance, he's also a few drinks too deep and ready to collapse after standing for two full halves of football.

"The Drunk Kid"

Armed with a hidden flask from his brother's wedding and a pair of cargo shorts with bulging pockets, expect this character to make lewd comments to your girlfriend, curse wildly for no apparent reason and pass out in a bathroom stall before the end of the game.

"Night at the Roxbury"

With a button-down shirt and sculpted hair, this predator prowls the stadium and hunts down female prospects despite a crippling hangover from the previous night. Playing against his own clock, he usually loses interest and flees for a bar or club with eight minutes left in the third quarter, regardless of score.

"The Cheerleader"

She's loud and irritating. But she's in charge of creating an interactive experience for all game attendees. Yinz better recognize. Damn it, she will start a stupid chant or the wave even if your team trails by three touchdowns late in the fourth quarter. And that's a freaking promise.

"The Expert"

Usually traveling with The Cheerleader, this guy creates a scene by openly ranting about the team's performance and offering his personal coaching suggestions. However, the root of his keen football knowledge stems from a brief stint as backup quarterback in fifth grade and is shaky at best.

"The Clueless Girl"

Fourth-and-10? Do it again! For her, every event -- regardless of implication -- is praiseworthy, mainly because she has no idea what's going on. But despite her annoying demeanor and propensity for standing in your line of sight, she's usually pretty attractive and, therefore, gets a free pass.

"The Tag-Along"

A close descendant of The Clueless Girl, this fan comes with friends but is totally apathetic toward the game, never dressed for the occasion and can usually be found sitting down or reading a book during a crucial point in the game.

"The 12th Man"

Overly intense and raspy with sweeping sweat stains from three quarters of yelling, this guy scares the crap out of nearby students and sometimes clears out an entire row with raging body odor.

"The Friend from Home"

Totally overwhelmed by his or her first tailgating experience, this person sometimes doubles as The Drunk Kid and is a lock to rave about the experience for the next five to 10 years.

"Jimmy the Greek"

The odds-on favorite to be sporting aviator sunglasses, checkered shorts and/or a crooked hat, this guy will tell you everything about his fraternity before game's end, including all secret credos, handshakes and sexual conquests from the past decade. Incessantly name-dropping, this fan always knows a guy who knows another guy who can get you a case of Nattie Light for a few extra bills.

"The Sorority Girl"

A hybrid of The Cheerleader and The Clueless Girl -- and predictably a fan of Jimmy the Greek -- this fan attends games strictly for social purposes and the outside chance of becoming involved in a peripheral Grey's Anatomy discussion.

"The Student Mascot"

Scantily clad and/or wearing a questionable outfit, this student will resort to extreme measures to get front-row seats and attract television cameras, embarrassing the hell out of his or her parents in the process.

"The Enemy at the Gate"

Visibly wearing the colors of the opposing team, this fan bought his ticket from an unassuming freshman who needed money for books and/or Halo 3. This guy has an uncanny ability to incite fisticuffs by merely glancing around the grandstand and is often the target of wayward bottles thrown from 20 rows back.