Bizarro CFB season, next undefeated teams to fall

By Ty Hildenbrandt

This college football season has been as jarring as the ending to the Planet of the Apes remake. Nothing makes any sense. Nobody knows what's going on. The whole season feels ad-libbed from week-to-week. Meanwhile, powerhouse programs are losing to primates they have no business playing, the Heisman Trophy may as well be a raffle prize, the BCS title game could be Boston College against South Florida and God stopped betting on Notre Dame four weeks ago.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?

Stanford's upset of USC is the latest in a long line of strange events this college football season. AP

I've come to the conclusion that this season has been bitten by the same bug that knocked the 2006 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament off its rocker. It's the only logical explanation. What else is a fan to think when point spreads -- no matter how insurmountable -- are no longer an effective predictor of final results? Furthermore, is it possible every team stinks and will eventually lose before season's end? Seems like a fair question about now, but I'm wondering when it became viable enough to ask ... if only in my own head.

I raise these points because I'm still trying to rationalize USC's upset loss to Stanford. I'm guessing I'm not the only one in need of dismissive and fuzzy logic to explain how the Trojans lost ... on their home turf ... to their wimpier and dorkier Pac-10 brother. It just doesn't add up, and I suppose it never will. The slippery slope -- you know, from "40-point favorite" to "upset victim" -- is borderline incomprehensible.

So as we get ready for another wild week of college football, there is only one fact of which I am absolutely, positively certain: This season is completely impossible to figure out.

WHEN THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE CLASS IS ONLY A "7"

Girls, here's a tip: For ages, guys have used the trusted "1-to-10" scale to mentally rank the attractiveness of women. Based on one's personal preference (and relative drunkenness), the official rating a particular woman achieves ultimately correlates directly to the number of bumbling fools will hit on her over the course of her life. And though this scale is entirely subjective, the differences are usually so negligible -- like the AP and Coaches' polls -- that this simple method figures to withstand the test of time and forever remain a staple of the male gender.

Why is this worth mentioning? Well, every Heisman winner for the last five years has been a "perfect 10." There was never any doubt as to who the hottest candidate was ... Troy Smith, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Carson Palmer, even Jason White. This year, you can't say anyone is a "10," can you? Heck, is anyone even an "8"?

For all intents and purposes, the player who wins the Heisman in 2007 will be the one that doesn't do the most to lose it. And though Darren McFadden, Matt Ryan, DeSean Jackson, or any of the other "frontrunners" might disagree, that's the way things are shaping up.

RANDOM TRIVIA QUESTION TO THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SMARTER

How many states have no Division I FBS college football programs within their boundaries? Answer in a bit...

HOPING THE LIMB DOESN'T SNAP: FEARLESS PREDICTIONS!

Sooner pride will be at an all-time high Saturday after Oklahoma ends Missouri's undefeated season. J.P. Wilson/Icon SMI

After five straight weeks of nailing the "next unbeaten to fall" in my 10 Questions section, I've decided to officially put myself on the line and forecast not one, not two, but THREE outcomes that are destined to occur this weekend. Yes, I'm predicting another wave of mildly intriguing "upsets" which figures to blemish three of the eleven remaining undefeated teams...

1) No. 6 Oklahoma (5-1) over No. 11 Missouri (6-0)

I know this technically isn't an upset, but it still involves an unbeaten team. (Plus, I need a gimme game to fall back on if/when my other two tank badly.) Let's not sell Mizzou short -- it's looked impressive thus far. And while we're at it, is this the first time Missouri football has been relevant since the Fifth Down scandal? This is all very noteworthy, but you HAVE to bet Oklahoma in this one.

2) Central Florida (3-2) over No. 5 South Florida (6-0)

JIM LEAVITT! GEORGE O'LEARY! MATT GROTHE! KEVIN SMITH! It's the Battle of Directional Floridas! It's also a trap game for the Bulls with Rutgers on the schedule next week and a Central Florida squad that took Texas to the final gun.

3) Louisville (3-3) over No. 15 Cincinnati (6-0)

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the annual "Big East Upset That Lacks the Feeling of a Real Upset." Anyone else think this game reeks of letdown after Cincy's win over Rutgers last Saturday? I know all about the Bearcats putting points on the board and keeping opposing offenses at bay, but ... really? Ten point favorites over Louisville? Doesn't feel right. Plus, I still can't figure out how Louisville is 3-3.

GET OFF THE FENCE: 10 QUESTIONS THAT COULD IMPACT YOUR FALL

1. More inspirational? Lou Holtz's "Pep Talk" segments / Pushing Daisies

2. Bigger one-loss dark horse? South Carolina / Oregon

3. Funnier movie? Old School / Wedding Crashers

4. More surprising? Temple's win / Notre Dame's win

5. Bigger pet peeve? People that mispronounce "Illinois" / QBs with face shields

6. Better college location? Hawaii / Miami

7. More watchable new show? Big Shots / Chuck

8. Hotter Derek Jeter girlfriend? Vanessa Minnillo / Jessica Alba

9. Most overrated conference? Big Ten / Big East

10. Better Mike Gundy spoof? Coor's Light / Fowler Toyota

CULTURE CORNER

Is there anything worse than the embarrassment you feel while watching someone on national television who tries desperately to be funny but fails miserably? You know, like every time the Wayans brothers took a stab at stand-up comedy? Does anything make you more uncomfortable in your own skin than watching something like that unfold?

I ask only because I got that same skeevy feeling while watching Cavemen attempt an unprecedented commercial-to-sitcom transition Tuesday night. Simply put, don't waste your time -- this show is a mess. I can almost imagine the cavemen from the Geico ads watching in disgust before booking another appointment with the psychiatrist from the commercials.

Seriously, find something else to do with your Tuesday nights.

AND THE ANSWER IS...

Nine states have no Division-I programs. (Alaska, Delaware, Maine, Montana, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Rhode Island, South Dakota and Vermont)

YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY MAY BE SKEWED IF...

... You decide harassing the owner of a towing company with death and bomb threats is in the best interest of your favorite college football program.

Indeed, Stan Forron, the owner of the towing company burglarized by Florida's Tony Joiner, received over 200 intimidating phone calls before requesting the formal charges against the Gator safety be dropped by the State Attorney's Office.

My beef isn't with Joiner for the moronic judgment associated with breaking into an impound lot and stealing back his girlfriend's car, but rather with the compulsive bimbos that tried to spook the poor owner. Seriously, who BOMBS a towing company? even comes up with that idea? How does a rational human being decide that terroristic threats are the proper course of action?

And furthermore ... umm, how did that work out last Saturday against LSU?

COMBING THE STUDENT SECTION: OBSERVANT EMAIL OF THE WEEK

In last week's article on the 13 students in your student section, you missed a big one: the dude who stumbles into the stands dressed in all black with chains, almost like he took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at the game by accident.
--Seth L., Los Angeles, Calif.

Good call, this guy is a mainstay at any college game but is usually pretty hard to find. Let's affectionately refer to him as "Tickle Me Emo" since he is usually wearing dark attire, looking somewhat angry, and always acting like he meant to go to a Nine Inch Nails concert instead.

Ty Hildenbrandt writes Campus Quick Slants every Wednesday. E-mail Ty at tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com with your comments, questions and random observations.