By Ty Hildenbrandt

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, EPISODE II: NOTRE DAME

The green jerseys didn't help Evan Sharpley or the rest of the Fighting Irish, who fell to USC 38-0 on Saturday. AP

As explained in this space several weeks ago, Notre Dame jokes have long died and gone to hell. So has the Irish football season. But indulge me for one last question: Was the decision to don green jerseys in Saturday's clash against USC the sports equivalent of walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th while carrying a black cat? This was a perfect storm of bad karma. Forget the wild notion that honoring the famed "green jersey game" of 30 years ago would summon any positive energy -- Lady Luck was so frightened she scalped her ticket on StubHub.

Simply put, combining the depressed aura of Notre Dame's lackluster start with the jinx of its green jerseys was as treacherous as the original Ghostbusters crossing their proton streams. And it showed. Given the circumstances, a 38-0 final score wasn't just likely, it was a mortal lock.

INTRODUCING ANDRE WARE'S PET PLAYER

Ladies and gentlemen, ESPN's Andre Ware has a man crush: Indiana receiver James Hardy. Before Saturday's Penn State-Indiana game, Hardy was just another basketball player-turned-wide receiver, twisting in the wind, trying to find his calling in the world. But by the fourth quarter, Hardy was, at the very least, the best receiver in college football, the key to curing cancer, and perhaps even Batman. A heartwarming tale, really.

Hardy had a monster game (14 catches for 142 yards and 2 TDs) in his own right, but it was virtually impossible to see past Ware's bias as it blossomed in Bloomington. After a while, you couldn't help but wonder if Hardy was holding Ware's Heisman Trophy and incriminating photos for a ransom of gratuitous comments.

Meanwhile, on a semi-related note, there was an actual game being played, and unranked Indiana took Penn State to the wire. But, eh, who cared about that, right?

FRUSTRATING MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY

You weren't one of the bettors who favored Kentucky (+7) on Saturday evening, were you? Thought ya had it made, huh? Wait! No! (Thump.) AH! Stop hitting me!

Trailing by 14, the Wildcats scored a last-second touchdown to pull within eight points. However, due to Rule 8, Section 3, Article 2, since the extra point(s) had no bearing on the final outcome, Kentucky wasn't even allowed to try. The final score was 45-37, one point shy of a "push." The final result for Kentucky bettors was a punch in the kidney and a middle finger from Vegas odds makers and the NCAA.

GET OFF THE FENCE: 10 QUESTIONS THAT COULD IMPACT YOUR FALL

1. Worst defunct Gatorade flavor? Midnight Thunder / Alpine Snow

2. Better SEC dog? Smokey (Tennessee) / Uga (Georgia)

3. Cooler '80s toy? Teddy Ruxpin / Koosh ball

4. Bigger BCS dark horse? Virginia Tech / Kansas

5. Superior Tecmo Super Bowl QB? Joe Montana / QB Eagles

6. Better USC QB? Mark Sanchez / John David Booty

7. Best-looking Midwest campus? Ohio State / Indiana

8. More out-of-place commercial? Flomax / Cialis

9. Funnier Seth Rogen movie? Knocked Up / Superbad

10. More irrelevant football team? Notre Dame / Miami

CULTURE CORNER

Last Friday must've been a slow day over at Hollywood blog JustJared.com. Need proof? Vince Vaughn's nose hair was making news.

GRIN AND "BEAR" IT: E-MAIL OF THE WEEK

In response to my choice of Man vs. Wild over Survivorman in last week's "Get Off the Fence" section:

Really? Man vs. Wild? [Bear Grylls] is a fraud; Survivorman wins this 10 times out of 10.
--Mark, Indianapolis, Ind.

I'm glad somebody brought this up. I'm well-aware of the reports that Bear Grylls isn't quite the MacGyver of the wild that Man vs. Wild makes him out to be. But you know what? I don't think I care.

Here's the thing ... there are scenes you can fake and others you cannot. I've resigned myself to the fact that Grylls isn't building all those elaborate contraptions by himself; but when I saw him ring the water out of a pile of ELEPHANT DUNG and then DRINK IT, that was the all-time clincher. Seriously, that can never be topped. If you can do that in the face of dehydration, you've got all my respect.

Ty Hildenbrandt writes Campus Quick Slants every Wednesday. E-mail Ty at tyhildenbrandt@gmail.com with your comments, questions and random observations.