Campus Quick Slants
Halloween costume ideas for NCAA coaches
Posted: Wednesday October 24, 2007 2:32PM; Updated: Wednesday October 24, 2007 2:32PM
There's about a seven-year gap in every person's life when Halloween stops being a social event -- when the thought of free candy and girls dressed like Jenn Sterger loses its luster with the "in" crowd and teenage hooligans find other ways to get in trouble. But that's about it. By the time you hit college, Halloween is revered like it's the Fourth of July and New Year's rolled into one. Alcohol may or may not have something to do with that.
But if you're a college coach that wants in on the action, you've got quite a quandary. There you are, smack dab in the middle of everyone else's fun, stuck with one of the most recognizable faces on campus. And ever since Larry Eustachy went and schmucked things up, you can't even sneeze without ending up on YouTube. So what's a stir-crazy coach to do on All Hallow's Eve?
The answer is simple and bulletproof: Dress up as another coach. And since the NCAA would never license the costume rights to any third-party vendor, I'm here to provide all the ingredients and instructions your college coach needs to disguise himself as a peer. Here are five suggestions:
Print out a picture of Luther from the old sitcom Coach; cut eye holes and use as a mask; strap self to hammock, showing how years of underachievement can be pretty darn relaxing.
Find the nearest Wal-Mart and purchase several "Go" phones; duct tape to both ears; talk for duration of the evening.
Buy two cantaloupes from the nearest supermarket; fasten between legs; take risks like you're Jack Bauer; fear no repercussions.
Wear cheap Virginia apparel; learn slight-of-hand from a local magician; pull a disappearing act until someone notices.
Without puncturing any vital organs, slowly remove your own spine; buy snake venom off eBay and syringes from Marion Jones; inject venom into salivary glands; do not mix with alcohol.
DROPPING LIKE FLIES
For those of you keeping score at home, my record is 6-1 this season when predicting the next undefeated team to fall. By no means am I attempting any self-promotion on this front?I'm just as stunned as you. So, while I'm riding the wave, let's whittle the field down a little more...
VIRGINIA TECH 17, BOSTON COLLEGE 10
I can't ever remember being less motivated to watch a "big game" between two top ten teams, can you? Unless you're a Hokies or Eagles fan, it's the kind of game you watch after The Office because there are no better options.
But someone has to win. And Thursday nights haven't been the warmest of settings for ranked teams as of late. So let's go with Virginia Tech on a bizarre special teams play.
CALIFORNIA 38, ARIZONA STATE 17
On behalf of Idaho fans everywhere, Dennis Erickson is a crook.
In other news, Cal is fresh off a horrible, letdown loss to a soft in-state rival (UCLA) and is left with only two real options from here on out: ruin someone else's season or implode like the New York Mets. Provided Cal doesn't fall off the map, this game has all the makings of a blowout victory for the Bears.
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