Campus Quick Slants
Official rules for the Brent Musburger Drinking Game
Posted: Wednesday November 28, 2007 12:35PM; Updated: Wednesday November 28, 2007 3:45PM
Nestled deep inside the Internets, wisely hidden from women and small children, lives a game so treacherous and trying that it borders on the movie version of Jumanji. This is hardly a boy's game -- many young men fall victim to its ruthless fury with each passing college football season. This challenge requires the ear of a rabbit, the patience of a dead horse and the liver of John Daly. Only a penitent man will pass.
Folks, let's talk about the Brent Musburger Drinking Game (BMDG).
Years ago, a wise man -- perhaps Einstein -- decided that Musburger's catch phrases and in-game mannerisms could be interesting fodder for a drinking game. And right he was.
But since then, the game has mutated into several different versions -- like the common cold -- and as the football landscape has changed and announcing "pardners" replaced, the sanctity and accuracy of the BMDG has taken a major hit. Additionally the game rules -- in their present, complicated, and esoteric form -- almost require at least one person to stay sober, hampering the overall experience.
So with the Big 12 Championship Game looming, I've taken it upon myself to save the BMDG from extinction by creating a standard set of easy-to-follow rules and revisions. And though I CANNOT claim most as my own original ideas, you probably won't care after one half of debauchery. That is, if you're still alive.
(DISCLAIMER: Only use alcohol if you are of age)
DRINK ONE (1) IF MUSBURGER ...
- Says the word "FOLKS"
- Is shown on camera
- Uses the word "FIRES!" instead of "THROWS" on a pass play (Be advised: Musburger says this on nearly every pass play)
DRINK TWO (2) IF MUSBURGER ...
- Recites the hometown or high school of a player
- Utters the phrase "IN THE COLLEGE GAME" (i.e. -- "Pass interference is a 15-yard penalty IN THE COLLEGE GAME")
- Says the phrase "LOOKING FOR DAYLIGHT"
DRINK FIVE (5) IF MUSBURGER ...
- Invents a special nickname for a player (i.e., in 2003 Kansas State running back Darren Spoules become "The Little Tank")
- References the title sponsor of the specific broadcast (Saturday's sponsor is Dr. Pepper)
PASS OUT TEN (10) DRINKS IF ...
- Musburger references another football conference (or any of its teams, players, or coaches) and you correctly name every mascot of said conference before anyone else in your party
SANCTION AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH BETWEEN TWO PARTICIPANTS IF ...
- Musburger says "BIG FELLA" (Loser of said wrestling match must finish his drink)
FINISH YOUR DRINK IF MUSBURGER ...
- Yells the phrase "IT'S A FOOT RACE" in the midst of a long run towards the goal line
- Calls out "TOUCHDOWN" before a player actually scores
ON ANOTHER NOTE, THIS BCS THING IS WORKING OUT BEAUTIFULLY!
To steal a line from Se7en: if the BCS were to split open and a UFO were to fly out, I would want you to have expected it.
As I've mentioned countless times in this space, it's almost as if the entire season is being ad-libbed from week to week with no concrete ending in mind. And while it seems like we're inventing new ways to kill this system every single season, we may just be too befuddled with its current state to derive any new doomsday formulas. That said, there are two potentially curious situations that could slug the BCS a few more times in the chin:
SCENARIO A: Both West Virginia and Missouri win this coming weekend
Why would this hurt the BCS? Well, it defies television ratings. You all know this system is driven by ratings, right? You think Average Joe Fan is re-arranging his Monday evening to watch a West Virginia-Missouri finale? I don't. Reruns of The A-Team might be more appealing. With no real powerhouse program or national draw in the title game, the ever-important ratings could see a significant drop-off, regardless of offensive firepower.
SCENARIO B: Both West Virginia and Missouri lose this coming weekend
If the top two teams were to lose, that could pave the way for No. 4 Georgia to back its way into the BCS Championship despite, yes, falling short of its own conference championship. Nothing against the Dawgs -- they're playing as well as anyone right now -- but it defies logic that they'd still have a shot at the national championship. Mind you, this is not unprecedented (see 2001 Nebraska and 2003 Oklahoma), but that still doesn't make it right.
1 of 2