Campus Quick Slants (cont.)
Posted: Wednesday November 28, 2007 12:35PM; Updated: Wednesday November 28, 2007 3:45PM
TIM TEBOW: A HERO AMONG US?
I was shocked -- DUMBFOUNDED, BAMBOOZLED, FLABBERGASTED -- to learn that Florida wunderkind Tim Tebow had broken his non-throwing hand in Saturday's runaway victory over in-state rival Florida State. Like most of you, I was under the assumption that Tebow's bones were made of an invincible diamond composite, impervious to Chuck Norris or any other force in the universe. So this was especially jarring news.
However, let's not get carried away. Upon further review, could there be a secret genetic connection between Tebow and Heroes' Claire Bennet (a.k.a. -- Hayden Panattiere). You know, the cheerleader who feels some pain and can be injured, but can regenerate any bodily tissue in mere seconds? Doesn't this make perfect sense? Tebow has been a virtual bowling ball on the goal line for the better part of two seasons -- and that hasn't taken any toll on his body? C'mon, this guy is Claire's secret brother and you know it. Someone cut off his toe and see if it grows back ...
AND TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, NIXON WASN'T A CROOK...
To quote LSU coach Les Miles: "I look at a team that hasn't lost a game in regulation. There has not been a team that has beaten us in 60 minutes." Miles continued, "If we had ties like the old system, we'd be unbeaten with two ties." Riiiight ...
In other news, Steve Spurrier just called. He was 12-0 in the NFL if you subtract his 20 losses. Oh, and Michael Vick is actually a pet lover if you forget all that dogfighting stuff. And O.J. Simpson? C'mon, he's totally innocent without all that evidence!
ANNOUNCER WITH X-RAY VISION
It's not surprising that ESPN would assign an announcer with superhuman powers to liven up last Saturday's game between Notre Dame and Stanford. But none of us had any clue that Ed Cunningham had X-ray vision. Never would've guessed.
Late in the game, Stanford quarterback T.C. Ostrander was roughed up a bit by the Irish, and emerged from the play clenching his throwing hand with an apparent injury. Miraculously, Cunningham was able with his magical powers to understand the problem, professing that Ostrander looked like he'd dislocated something with the way he held his hand. This, of course, was awe-striking given the fact that Cunningham was situated hundreds of yards and several levels away from the action in the comfy confines of the Stanford Stadium press box.
GET OFF THE FENCE: 10 QUESTIONS THAT COULD IMPACT YOUR FALL
1. More surprising firing? Bill Callahan ('07 Nebraska) / Rich Kotite ('96 New York Jets)
2. More surprising hiring? Houston Nutt (Ole Miss) / Mike Sherman (Texas A&M)
3. Better Thanksgiving side? Cranberry sauce / Stuffing
4. Best SEC team? Georgia / LSU
5. More confusing Nintendo game? Burgertime / Qbert
6. Better pro prospect? Matt Ryan (Boston College) / Colt Brennan (Hawaii)
7. Better reunion tour? Spice Girls / The Osmonds
8. Best Heisman candidate? Pat White (West Virginia) / Dennis Dixon (Oregon)
9. Slicker social site? MySpace / Facebook
10. More worthy title contender? West Virginia / Ohio State
Here's a question for you to ponder: Does anyone really believe that recording artists are singing (or even playing) their own music on those holiday parade floats? I mean, really. In one helping of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I witnessed Lifehouse bassist Bryce Soderberg playing his guitar while wearing WINTER GLOVES and the Jonas Brothers singing so terribly out of sync with their music that I couldn't help but laugh. Why are people outraged by disastrous lip-synching performances from Milli Vanilli and Ashlee Simpson, but not by everyone else during these parades? Shouldn't we demand authenticity across all platforms?
Ty Hildenbrandt writes Campus Quick Slants every Wednesday. E-mail Ty at firstname.lastname@example.org with your comments, questions, and random observations ... or if you live through the Musburger Drinking Game.
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